Lust - Comments

I like getting a glimpse of the perverted side of humanity when it comes to stories or pieces that focus on the customers of prostitutes, strip bars and of the girls trapped in sexual slavery. The fact that the speaker simply observes that they're sex slaves but doesn't delve into it - or really, comment on it in any way - is sort of chilling, and shows that he doesn't care that she's not doing this completely willingly, all he is focused on is getting his money's worth and satisfying his desires.

There wasn't really a nice flow to this piece, and I feel like some sentences read far too awkwardly to really allow the reader to get sucked in. I know the plot was basically a look at the process of choosing someone to take home and have sex with, but I agree with losing control in that it got a bit repetitive at times. I also feel like you didn't really describe Lust enough to explain why he was completely sold by her just from first glance. What is described seems almost...normal? Like, I wouldn't understand why someone would see her once and fantasise like he did. She's mysterious and a wild little thing, but how does she put that across? Why does he think that?

First off, I liked that this was based off of a non-English song. As someone who doesn't speak any other language, I sort of knew what I was getting into based off of the lyrics you had, but it was also a bit of a surprise which I liked.

I found there were quite a lot of spelling and grammar errors in this story that started to take away from the actual content. I understood what was going on, but trying to figure out what you meant with some of your words, or trying to figure out some of the sentences took away from the immersion, if that makes sense.

It also felt like some parts of the story got a bit repetitive. I get that there was the one main plot, but it felt like you were sort of just rewording the same thing over and over. I feel like that may be because of the lack of description as well. Everything was quite blunt, which is okay in some circumstances, but I think adding in more description and doing more showing rather than telling would really help out with that.

Nice job

XSoulXLoverX:

The score for the contest ''It's Time For A Sentence (Original Fiction)'' with the sentence, ''The picture in the catalogue had lied.''

Score 79/100+ 83.5/100(with bonus) = 81/100

Title- 4/5

Intro To The Story- 3.5/5 (I thought that the intro wasn’t bad, but there was something missing to it. I felt that it was really just abrupt and almost came out of nowhere, I wished there was something a little less awkward about the introduction. However, overall the intro was not bad at all).

Characters -11.5/15 (I really enjoyed how you made her name Lust. I thought that was a clever little thing because it reflects on the title and made the story that much more interesting. I always enjoy a unique usage of character’s names. I wish there was more about her, other than her looks. The title was her name, and I felt that she needed a lot more presence. I felt that you did a nice job developing him overall. I just needed a little more fleshing out of the characters)

Plot- 16/20 (I thought that the overall plot line had a lot of potential. There were some nice elements and writing about sex slaves could be fun. However, I felt that it was just a little too underdeveloped for me. It needed a little more fleshing out. This felt more like the introduction. I wanted to see more of what happened between them when they met. You missed out on that with this piece for me. You have a good style, and you have a lot of potential, and I did like the storyline and I thought that you did it well. I just needed more)

Emotional content- 11.5/15 (Overall, I felt the sexual desire, and I thought that worked. The story did feel lustfull and I’m pretty sure that was what you were aiming for. I thought that you could have even played it up a little more. I felt that I wanted just a slightly more lustful desire. I felt his want which was great, but I wanted it to be burning and this was more of a sizzle).

Spelling and grammar- 8.5/10 (Some of your sentences are a little bit to the long side. And there is nothing wrong with having a nice variety, but I felt some sentences just dragged on a little too long. I also felt that some of the wording was a little awkward at times. However, I think that overall your spelling is simply wonderful. )

Integration Of The sentence- 16/20 (I liked the fact that you used it so early into the story. I thought it was cleverly placed, however, I felt that maybe it could have been used a little more effectively. I felt that where it was placed in the paragraph sort of lost some of the potential punch it may have had. The story needed to be focused on the sentence and the sentence needed to be a really important aspect to the story, and I am not sure you did exactly that. )

Ending- 8/10 (The ending wasn’t bad. I thought it was interesting how he had already decided what was going to happen between them, before they even got together. I thought that you did a clever thing. However, I wanted it to go on just a little more)

Bonus: 4.5 (layout)

Sorry for it being so late, but better late than never right!

First off, I think you did a nice job overall. You managed to do something really nice and I think you are a really good writer. Your spelling is wonderful and you do have a nice useage of diction which is great to see in a story.

I wish that the overall story line had been developed a little more, because I felt that it needed a little more fleshing out.

Overall, you did a really nice job!

Here judging the fifth round of Sixth Time's the Charm!

I knew what I was letting myself in for the second I read Pandora's Box, but holy crap! I don't tend to read anything remotely smutty but I have read my fair share over the years and you're definitely an impressive writer in that genre! I always like your work as it tends to have a lot of loaded description throughout and you've not disappointed with this at all. It's weird to think of girls being sold as sex slaves, but I know that they do and I think it's definitely an interesting concept to write about.

I must agree with the person below though, this is a fairly hot piece! Good job!

I have to say, this was pretty hot girl.

Dude........I love it so far.....We should write a story together.