March 21st, 2014 at 07:22am
Title/Layout/Summary: Almost all your titles are really simple, I like that. The layout looks good. Judging by the title, I'm assuming Gaara and his girlfriend find teddy bears that either belonged to him a long time ago or belonged to his parents.
Grammar/Spell Check/Improvements: "Where?" he commanded. "Commanded" should be changed since he isn't commanding anything, he's asking a question.
Opening: The opening uses a lot of description and actions… I think I would go back and add a couple sentences to describe that part.
I would change "It was silent for a few minutes until he finally says "I… suppose?" He finally answered" to "It was silent for a few minutes before he finally said "I…suppose".
There's no need for the second "finally" in the sentence because he already said that. I think I would change "he finally says" to something else since the way he says it, it's more like a question. Actually, you should change the "He finally answered" all together, like take it out. Since it's just restating what he's already said.
I would also change this part "“Well I hope you don’t mind if I play match-maker then!” The girl exclaimed happily, pulling out her very own childhood teddy bear that she had kept hidden from the Kazekage." It's a mouthful again.
"Aren't they even more adorable now!" needs a question mark
Ending: I like how she just rushes off before he can even process what even happened. Lol. That's cute.
Favorite Line: "There! Aren't they even more adorable now!"
Other Thoughts: This was a cute story. It makes me wish I had stuffed animals from when I was younger. I was wondering what angle it was going to go with.
And I'm in love with this story. ^_^
Personally, I wish I could have seen Mai and Temari find the bear in the attic. I think that would have been interesting because Mai's character is very energetic and I would love to hear how Temari would tell her that it belonged to Gaara as a kid.
Totally loved this and totally rec'ing.