Songbird - Comments

Ah, thank you! I'll fix those mistakes. I'm so happy you read it ;u;

I want to say that I absolutely adored the way that you began this story. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the two boys were only about ten years old instead of what I was expecting them to be. I was totally expecting them to be goofy teenagers and then having them reunite when they were adults. But nope. I will admit that I do love being surprised. I did find a few things within the story that I feel need to be mentioned.

One of the rules on this website is that there should be a space between each paragraph, so it makes the story a bit easier to read. For example:

incorrect:

"Hey, what's up?"
"Nothing much," she said.
This is incorrect and makes the story harder to read, in my opinion.

correct:

"Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing much," she said.

Do you see the difference between the two?

The other thing that I noticed involved dialogue. The only thing that I will say is this: whenever you are writing dialogue, if the sentence ends with the dialogue and there is a second sentence afterwards, then the ending punctuation mark before the ending quotation mark should be a period, and the beginning of the second sentence needs to be capitalized. However, if the sentence continues after the dialogue, then the ending punctuation mark before the ending quotation mark should be a comma and the word following the dialogue should not be capitalized. For example:

Quote

"You jerk." He said as he glared at me.
"Well. this is it." he propped his head on his hands.

These two sentences are incorrect. They should be, instead:

"You jerk," he said as he glared at me.
"Well, this is it." He propped his head on his hands.

I feel like that second mistake was just a slip of the finger, but I did want to use it as an example.

Another thing that I really loved about the first chapter was the amount of description that you managed to write into it. You described everything without making the reader feel overwhelmed with description, which I have seen in some stories and novels that I have read. You have an excellent balance of description and dialogue; you seem to describe only what is important, which is awesome and I love it.

I also really loved the two characters. Even though I know little about them, I find them really interesting. I am very curious to know how the two will be when they reunite with each other, which I am hoping will be soon, and how they will react to each other after not seeing each other for a few years or more. Basically, I just can't wait to see how the two develop as characters as the story progresses.

I feel like I am ranting here, but whatever. I really loved, if you couldn't tell already, the first chapter. Everything about it, like seriously. Like I said before, I can't wait to see what happens to the two characters as the story continues. You've done an amazing job so far, even though there is only one chapter.