Betrayed - Comments

I'm up to chapter 5, but I thought I'd give you some feedback on what I've read so far

First of all, I like your characters. October (which is a unique name, I must say) is relatable, which is always great for a main character. She's strong, independent and responsible, which is good to see. I hate it when the female characters are nothing but a poor little damsel in distress that constantly needs a man to save her. That gets boring fast.

Anyways, I love how she had the strength to leave her boyfriend when she felt he wasn't giving her what she needed. I also liked the fact that their relationship broke down over something that was very realistic and not something that I think is sometimes over-used in stories (i.e. such as violence, cheating etc), which was refreshing.

It was nice to see she has a friend in Amy, who was there for her in her time of need, no questions asked. And whilst she had good intentions when she took her out to get drunk, I'm glad October didn't jump on board with looking for a random hook up to get over her failed relationship. To me, that would've seriously cheapened the 3 years she spent with Wil if she so easily just fell into bed with another guy. I couldn't imagine doing that myself, it just kind of seems trashy and I dunno, sort of disrespectful when people do that.

Zacky... I like that he's confident without being too cocky. It works for the kind of career he has as a guitarist in a band, but it doesn't make me hate him and wish for him to be taken down a peg. I fear I might feel that way about Brian, based on his brief role in the story so far, but I'll guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Now for the con/crit. I dunno if you intended for you chapters to post how they have, but they're all very squished together. It's a little hard to read when it's not double spaced, especially when you're reading conversations. Some of the paragraphs describing inner thoughts and or actions are also a little over run of sorts, so maybe you could break them up a little more so it's not such a huge chunk of text. Hopefully I'm explaining what I mean correctly, because it's not easy to do so. Haha.

Also, I'm not sure if you knew, but if you're writing a spoken word sentence that ends with a 'he said' or 'she said' (and the variations), the spoken part ends with a , rather than a period and the following word is not capitalised.

For example:
"I love you," she said. instead of "I love you." She said.
If it's a question mark, it's: "Don't you love me?" she asked.

Hope that makes sense. Not trying to be nit picky or anything, they're just some pointers I thought I would make to help you with your writing. I hope you're not offended. When I first started on this site 6 years ago, I made the same mistakes until someone pointed out what I was doing wrong, so I just wanted to do the same for you.

Overall, I'm enjoying the story and I'll be contining on and reading some more tomorrow.

This story really was good! I am really happy she forgave him and they are back together! Please keep being awesome!

I take it you read it on avengedsevenfoldfanfiction.com or Tumblr? Otherwise, that was pretty fast. Lol Thank you so much for the feedback. I really appreciate it.

I loved it! It was awesome!