May 8th, 2017 at 11:05pm
MA chan I really love you for writing this!
Idk what Lilith actually is, but from your descriptions, she sounds wonderful and intimidating and powerful...everything a demon should be! Thanks so much for recc'ing this to me, and also, do update soon. I want to see her adventure begin!
I loved the descriptions in this, but what made me completely fall for this was...the author's note! Love love and love that line! So awesome <3 I had no idea you were into such concepts, which is why I tell you, you should definitely check out what I'm writing right now and if you like it. No, please don't think it's a promotion or anything, it's just based off the same concept.
Overall, I'm really excited to read this! Good luck and update soon!
First, I love the title of this story, it is what caught my eye mostly. The layout is beautiful, and goes perfectly well with the genre of this piece. Red gives it a stronger connection to the theme of darkness.
I am very intrigue about the first chapter, because it gives a great introduction of a potential great plot. It makes me predict many things, that could happen, such as having the opportunity to know how will the daughter feel, through the whole process of trying to be her mother, The Queen of Darkness. Will she manage to accept her position? Will she be better? Will she love/hate the fact, that she will be in constant comparison with her mother? So many questions run my mind, inferring about the story, which makes me very motivated to read and to see where it goes.
I’ve noticed some sentences are written repeatedly in a way, and it sort of threw me off. I believe, changing some of the words, will make them flow much better.
I wore the clothes she had prepared for me all those years ago. The lowly demons prepared it for me and dressed me up as I stood in the middle of the room naked.
When the line continues after the period, it is evident, that you are writing about the same person. There’s no reason to repeat, that the clothes were prepared for her, having it mentioned in the first line. Also, it’s a big confusing, when you mention in the first line, her mother prepared the clothes, but in the second line, the demons did. Who really did it?
If in this case, you were trying to describe that the mom made the clothes, and the demons prepared the clothes for her to wear that moment, maybe using a synonym for prepare, and detailing exactly the meaning will be helpful for understanding.
I remember how she was combing her long, straight raven hair by pulling her hair to the side and watching her reflection in the mirror.
In this line, repetition was once again used. It is evident, that the narrator is talking about her mother’s hair, when she mentions I remember how she was combing her long, straight raven hair…, so I don’t think it is necessary to repeat the noun of the same line. Instead I would use the pronoun, that substitute the noun in that line, and it will have a better flow to it.
I remember how she was combing her long, straight raven hair, by pulling itto the side, and watching her reflection in the mirror.
There were many commas, missing. Commas help your readers figure out, which words go together in a line, and which parts of your lines are most important.
I am sure with another reading glance, you can edit and add them. Most are necessary, so the reader can pause and peruse in the way the narrator “speaks”, instead of reading in a hurry, without stopping or understanding.
Overall, this so far is a great plot, and with revision will make a great written story.