I love this story! It's so much better than the original because, let's face it, the original was so depressing. Hopefully nobody dies this time around! lol.
August 2nd, 2016 at 06:36pm
Layout / Summary
The layout is so simple and lovely! I like the way that the colours all blend together, and the small banner at the top really goes well. Everything is so elegant and simple, and I adore the way that it all gels together! The summary itself gives us a taste of who we can be expecting to narrate the remainder of the story, and it's very good all-in-all at setting the scene for the reader and drawing them in with talks of destiny.
Halloween 1981
I like that you give us this sense of foreboding throughout this entire chapter, especially with the beginning. I can just imagine Sirius trying to keep Marlene from dwelling too much on the worry that she must obviously feel, what with the Wizarding War and the suchlike. I imagine it'd be terribly difficult for her to think about anything other than the safety of her friends, and the way in which they have been shielded. Also, as an aside, I'd 100% be nervous if Pettigrew was the only one keeping my friends safe, so that's definitely another thing to add to it.
In this chapter, I like that Sirius has this kind of sarcastic, yet very sweet aura to him. He's a little harsh, but he also shows that he has a lot of care for Marlene, and it's very lovely to read through. I think the two characters compliment one another very well -- Sirius is this wild, reckless character and Marlene seems to be more reserved and careful. I love characters that seem to be opposites, but work well with one another. It's really interesting to see that mix of characters coming through! You can clearly see the way in which they both lean on one another in the grief, and the way that they seem to work with one another and how in-sync they are with the thoughts of the other. So far, the characterisation is a really strong point in this story, and it's definitely really lovely to see that!
Ten Years Later
I like that you do see the stark difference here in how the original storyline and your own storyline are developing. I always wondered what it'd be like if Harry grew up with his own kind instead of Muggles, and this is basically just fulfilling all of the things I wondered about! I definitely think it'd be interesting to see how this affects Harry's character in future chapters, especially with the fact that he'll be more knowledgable about the world he's about to go into, and the way that this will affect how he treats others. That's definitely something I'm curious to see!
In terms of the plot, I think it's really well-worked-out so far. You've got a great mix of the old plotline from the stories themselves mixed with your own. I think it'd definitely be super-interesting to see how Harry deals with a younger brother or sister!
Overall
This is really good so far! I'm interested in seeing where you take this and how much differs from the original plot. I love AU Harry Potter fanfiction stories for this reason entirely -- it gives me a different perspective or angle to read my favourite story through. Your characterisation is strong and your writing brings across their personalities very well. I hope you'll continue this, because I'd love to read on!
