Lifeline 2.0 - Comments

Jacoby Shaddix soaked to the bone I'm liking this visual. I'm also liking the appearances of the firemen great job in the details. :)

The detail you use in this story is awesome and I like the idea behind it as well, I noticed a few mistakes as I read through but nothing that stopped me reading. Good job with this :)

so far this one its a lot more detailed

Prologue: This line “…actually how she actually felt.” Is really awkward to read. Take out one of the actually’s and it’ll be better. Also I noticed a lot of little things like ‘She would changed the subject on me…’ you don’t need the ‘d’ on changed because of the ‘would’ in front of it… you don’t need the words ‘on me’ either because it’s implied.
Ch. 1: ‘…I already told you this seventeen times already.’ Really watch those repeated words in the same sentence like that. You have this issue of switching between past and present tense during dialogue. Like ‘…she state’ rather than ‘…she stated.’
As I read this, I do remember your first story (I can't remember if I commented but I did read it during my down time in school.) I love the idea and the bands you are bringing to life in this, but there’s a lot of grammar issues. I use Microsoft Word, so spell check/grammar check catches a lot of my errors (My writing might be illegible if it wasn’t for word) I suggest using the free version Word online or using Google Docs for the checkers like that. Maybe even find an online editing website so you can avoid writing that’s hard to read and showcase this wonderful idea you have here. You do have beautiful descriptions with Kiki’s mustang and the scar on your Trinity's face. Even your phrasing of the drunk mom’s dialogue is well done (not many people can pull off spelling out drunken dialogue like that). Just be careful of your tenses because things like that get the best of us.

Good luck with this, and sorry it took me so long to get to this comment from my give-away.

@ Skullchic
Yeah? Which version are you liking more so far?

I still remember reading the original version of this story a few years ago

All the sadness :( great job as usual though! Loved the chapter! Can't wait for more! hopefully the next chapter will be a bit more cheerful for Trinity. :D updaaaaate!

Loved, loved, loved, LOVED it! It all sounds like a dream come true until the end. I can't wait to see who finds this mysterious belonging and to see what happens because of it :3 Update soon ladeh!

Loved, loved, loved, LOVED it! It all sounds like a dream come true until the end. I can't wait to see who finds this mysterious belonging and to see what happens because of it :3 Update soon ladeh!

Loved the update! I feel this story revamp is coming along swimmingly! Great job on all you've accomplished with this thus far. :D Can't wait for another update! Keep em coming!

Ah, the introduction of the beautiful Avenged Sevenfold and the sweet introduction of Motley Crue. You have nailed Vince Neil down to a T my friend that's what happens when you read the autobiographies and you know your stuff. Nicely done and I'm excited for some up-coming chapters.

I always enjoy when a chapter leaves me speechless. This was a very excellent opener, very descriptive, and a perfect set up to introduce the characters of Trinity and Kiki. I really cannot wait for the up-coming chapters.

I love the idea of revamping this story! I've been wanting you to finish it for what seems like a lifetime now, but I'm just glad to see you come back to it. :) I can't wait to see what lies ahead and to experience the journey all over again!

@ hellz_belle
Thank you soo much! :3 To be honest, I had to look at places in Wisconsin you've visited to see where the hell to put it! It's sad and creepy I know, but was very much needed! I am in the process of working on the first chapter!

Now THIS is very impressive!
A revamp of a story that never quite fully got to blossom but I believe that with this new beginning it's going to be truly amazing. I love how you put Columbus in there. It's an area I know and love especially for all the ideal places where they could have a kick ass concert. I love how while this prologue was so short and sweet that it was enough to set the ball rolling for something truly magical.
Great job!