The Experiment Revolution - Comments

Dear Domi,

Your story has intrigued us greatly! In fact, the King sent us here to congratulate your strong creativity and attention to detail.

Us, Knights, can understand the follow of a rule one does not always understand, just like our main character. However, the lengths the doctor went to to mislead and terrify his subjects and experiments was Inhumane. Clearly well shown throughout your story.

We do have a point for you. At one point terra was shown a picture, however she is blind so she could not see it. You may want to clarify that.

Our friend the ever dizzy Tipsy is right, your innocent main character made the story so much more intriguing. Especially as they evolved and came under the heat of battle.

We are honoured to have arrived here today and salute your hard work.

Yours truly,

The Knights of Commenting

It sounds like the instincta of the animal their DNA has been crossed with are starting to take over.

Could this be the reason her feelings towards those she captures are changing too?

Oooh, the feelings are changing. It'll be interesting to see what kind of things this will cause.

You don't suck at updating, I promise.

This is great!

I loved this!
You have no idea how much I enjoy sci-fi, and this just made my day. I'll start off with the layout. Its plain gorgeous. I love the banner and how it adds to the story. Amazing
Since the first chapter, you had me. The story line is so engaging and the way it is written is so... innocent that I was automatically pulled in. The short chapters do so well initially in highlighting the boredom of the kid (0.4 I mean). I am wondering though what the Revolution is (since I haven't read after chapter 10) and what this Dr. is trying to do. He doesn't sound like a nice guy to me. The idea of the three kids controlling the sky, the ground and the water is so cool though! What is 0.4 going to do?
I've got to tell you, you're a brilliant writer. And this story is so interesting, I can practically see it in my head, everything that is going on. Good luck writing! I'll let you know about the later chapters later on. (:
Definitely rec and sub'ing.

I think the first chapter starts off very strongly. Although there's very little dialogue (which picks up the pace of a story) it still moves fairly quickly and doesn't have any dry moments. You give just enough information for me to be curious what the Experiment Revolution is. I'm also wondering how her memory was targeted that she could forget her name, who she is essentially but still remember things like a dog cage? I'm not challenging you on this I just think it's curious and eery. The people behind this must be very powerful to have that kind of technology. This is a great start. It leaves me with a lot of questions which makes me want to read more!

The only critique I can give you for this chapter is a slight sprucing for the end. This is completely my opinion and I'm not sure if it'l suit you stylistically. But I would consider deleting this whole paragraph:

"He gave me this blue notebook. I was sitting up unstrapped, and he told me I have to write in it every day. Then he had me follow him to what he considered my room. On the way, he told me my new name and purpose"

I don't think it's necessary and it sort of slows the pace down.

I'd replace the paragraph with something like:

Instead, he tells me who I am.

My name is Experiment 0.4. I am to be the leader of the Experiment Revolution.

And I would end right there. It packs more of a punch rather than the additional line of her sitting in her room. All the information about how she received the blue book and how she has to write in it is slightly unnecessary since that's how we're reading her story, through the blue book, it doesn't really matter that she has to write in it just that she will.

Anyway, that's just my opinion on the matter you can completely disregard it. It's a thought I had but the chapter holds up very well without my rewrite at the end.

Please bare with me any any errors I have while typing. I'm on mobile and my fat fingers hate the little keys. And if my thoughts seem scattered. I'm going back and forth between pages to make sure I give you a complete review.

Starting off the summary is nice. It isn't to telling or short. When I read the first chapter my first thought was "Hm, I like the journal style to this story." I think it benefits well to being told in a first person narrative.
I think you have nice description, with the exception to one specific item. Where she describes this hair. I don't think poop is really the best way to describe something. It comes off immature and reads that way. But that is my opinion. Otherwise the story is great and jas real potental.

Please bare with me any any errors I have while typing. I'm on mobile and my fat fingers hate the little keys. And if my thoughts seem scattered. I'm going back and forth between pages to make sure I give you a complete review.

Starting off the summary is nice. It isn't to telling or short. When I read the first chapter my first thought was "Hm, I like the journal style to this story." I think it benefits well to being told in a first person narrative.
I think you have nice description, with the exception to one specific item. Where she describes this hair. I don't think poop is really the best way to describe something. It comes off immature and reads that way. But that is my opinion. Otherwise the story is great and jas real potental.

Ugh, I haven't commented in forever! I'm still reading though! This gets more and more interesting. That poor little girl, though. I feel bad for her. I feel bad for them all.

But the others are seeming to... I don't want to say adapting well, but they are not as upset as I thought they would be about being transformed partly into animals.

That said, I look forward to more! :)

Holy crap! This chapter is incredible! Your descriptions are so perfect, I can imagine them perfectly. Wonderful update!

Just a few more days, and five more injections. And they will be complete.

Ugh, he doesn't even talk about them like they are human, with feelings. They look like animals, and I'm assuming when their transformation is 'complete' they won't think they're as beautiful as the doctor claims. Great chapter! I am looking forward to finding out what this mysterious revolution is, and what its all about.

Don't worry about the speed of your updating; if I could update my work as quickly as you have this, I'd be done already. xD

Short chapter, but a great one. I really like how you had the writing stop, because she dropped her pen. That was an awesome little detail.

And that explains why they've been screaming. I can imagine that what they're going through is very painful.

I can understand her frustration. Having no real identity, having only a vague idea of what's going on, and being treated so poorly. None of them asked to be apart of the revolution, but yet they are and have no say in it. They don't know what's to come. It's all a very distressing situation.

And what is 'growing in'? o_O

I really like this, it's got the whole mad scientist kinda feel to it and I'm interested to find out what they have each transformed into... The chapters are short but you fill them with what the reader needs to know and I think that's what will make the reader want to read on. I'm definitely going to subscribe and I can't wait to see where you take this :)

So they have all gained rather unnatural abilities, courtesy of these injections. They seem to be different based on the elements, and I'm curious to see how they all will come together.

And then, of course, there is this mysterious revolution.

I wonder why exactly the White Jackets didn't want them to see each other. How much have these injections changed their appearance? Its clear they've given them special abilities, but what is the deal with the animalistic characteristics? I like forward to finding out!

And I wonder why the others do not have to write in notebooks. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that she's the leader of the revolution, but I have no clue why there's such a significance of what she's writing down.

I look forward to more! Great chapter! :D

Double post. Sorry!

I'm feeling Terra on liking Avatar the Last Airbender. It's been my favorite show since it first aired!

Lots of insight on the characters in this one. Is nice to know more about them! And interesting choice in names, too!

I look forward to seeing what these tests are, and if they've transformed some more. Great update!

'Yo'

Ah, I love how you started this one. The others finally woke up! I'm sure if I found myself in that situation I'd react similarly.

So, there were previous experiments. Ones that failed. Should've guessed that. But what's the difference in the injections they got, and the ones that 0.4, 0.5, 0.6, and 0.7 are getting, I wonder?

The meal choices were interesting... And they enjoyed them? Hm.

Great chapter! And by the way, nothing thus far seems to be rushed, but then again, you may have edited what you wrote before posting here. Either way, this is amazing and I'm looking forward to updates!

"The newbies are still sleeping." Haha, I loved that.

Okay, water, earth, and air... So, is she fire?

This place she's in is funded. Got that. But by whom I wonder? I like her speculations. Typically, though, when I hear 'revolution' I think over throwing the government, so maybe the project is funded by a private fund? Or it is being funded by a government that's wanting to tear down another government. But to go through such a lengthy process that may or may not work? Very curious indeed!

And I still wonder about the significance of her changing appearance.

I also like how she makes it a point to say she's not an animal.

Great updates! I don't know if you'll like the song or not, but check out the song Revolution by Kamelot. I think it fits to this so far. But I'll have to patiently wait and see where its going!

Great updates! And you're welcome for the comments. :)

So there are three others in the Revolution. The first two are about the same age, but then one is ten, so it'll be interesting to see how that comes into play.

And the doctor is expecting her appearance to change? What exactly is he expecting?

I look forward to more! Great update!