Andy - Comments

I really love the first line. The first paragraph really helps introduce the character in a pretty subtle way.

You jumped out of tense after on the fourth paragraph. It interrupts the flow, but so far the way you're introducing the character, or rather how the character is introducing herself is good.

Watch out for how often you say "to be fair." Also watch out for the tense of what you're writing - you jump between writing in the present tense to writing in the past tense and it's a bit jarring.

Overall I find it interesting. I agree with insufferable; though when she said that the car accident seemed rushed. I think it might help if you were to add a bit more before that, like her dad started driving because as you have it there isn't any moving and that might be why it seems to just smack us in the face.

I do wish you luck with this though. I hope you finish it.

Keep writing! Love this!!

So sad! :-( but I still love it!!!

I just love it!! Can't wait for your next update!

Summary:
The summary is so sad. It provides a lot of information, but doesn't give everything away. I'm looking forward to reading more of this.

Chapter One:
I liked the imagery you showed in the first paragraph. It was lovely description that really helped the story take off.
While I like how interactive the OC is with the reader, I feel it's kind of juvenile to read such things. It's not what I'd normally find in stories such as this, you know, dealing with dark themes and everything. It's definitely not something I'm used to seeing.
I liked the bits of detail you gave about Ash's parents. You know, what they do for a living and their attitudes. It's nice to see a story like this where both the parents are alive and well, while also not being complete jerks, if that makes sense.
The car wreck scene was sprung up rather quickly. Honestly, it seemed really rushed, almost as if there wasn't enough thought put into it. I wasn't really sure what to think.

I think this story has potential, and I do wish you luck with it.

I think the way you start off the first chapter is amazing! And I love the comparison of total opposites when you were talking about how the rain drops were like fire, and also how the balance was restored. It was very poetic and a pleasant thought.

Hope you don't mind that I point this out, but I noticed a small typo in the last sentence of the third paragraph. For that reason, I dyed my hair emerald green the year I turned thirteen, because my parents' finally consented." You don't need the apostrophe on "parents" and it would be fine without it.

Your character is absolutely funny and I'm liking her kinda sassy attitude! And I like how you have her make it clear that this story isn't going to be what the stereotype for this fandom is. It honestly makes me want to stick around and keep reading because it's a promise of something new and fresh!

You're doing a great job with spacing out the features and characteristics of Ash. I don't feel overwhelmed as I learn about her and her family. Also, you're very good with setting the mood and my heart was beating pretty hard when they finally arrived at the scene of the crash. I could really imagine the tension being palpable in the air as the EMT tried to bring Andy back.

Overall, I think this is a great start for your story! There are a few grammatical errors, mostly punctuation placement and such, but other than that, it was awesome! Keep up the good work!