Hurricane - Comments

That was a good chapter! I look forward to reading some more ^_^

It's rare for me to find a good BDSM story here and I'm so happy I found this! I'm so in love with Adam Grant. Every time I read this, I'm inspired to write and that's a rare thing for me now

@ Violent Fetish
I love that music video, so much! I'm so happy you're excited! Thank you!

I love this music video, one of my favourites and I watch it all the time! I'm liking this story and so excited there's something like this up!! :)

I need more please?!

I NEED MORE! Please?

This rewrite is so much better. It makes the story so SO interesting to me. Now she's someone I can really get behind and enjoy reading about. She's in charge of her own life, despite being in a situation she's not 100% comfortable in.

There's still a couple comma issues. The most noticeable is in the summary. I think that's what people are going to notice.

[img]Claire Donahue COMMA a new college graduate COMMA finds herself in Club Hurricane and under the care of Adam Grant COMMA the clubs owner. ALSO, there needs to be an apostrophe with "club's". You skip at least two apostrophe's in the actual chapter.

The only other comma issue is that we still don't have commas before some of the names, but it's pretty minor. I definitely really enjoyed this chapter a lot more than before. I can see Claire getting into a lot of trouble, both good and bad

Excited for the next chapter! :)

@ PoeticMess.
Thank you so much for the help, I did have a problem with the layout. For some reason I had the picture fixed but I can't figure out how to get it closer to the text, it's so far up the page .

Next, also thank you for the advice . I've actually never read 50 shades. I think I got so excited about this story I just typed it up and posted it . I think I'll go through it today and rewrite the first chapters.

The story itself is really interesting! With the layout though, you might want to set the image to "fixed" so it stays in place when we scroll. Otherwise it disappears. Also, the grey text on the grey background is hard to read, so you might want to make it a while background instead.

As for the writing, there's some issues with commas. Whenever you have something like "She will be fine Sam." You need a comma before "Sam" since it's a name and referring to who the character is talking to. This happens quite a bit. It's not a big deal, but it's a little distracting and an easy fix. It's the same with anything that replaces a name, such as ma'am or a nickname (beautiful, sweetie, love, babe, etc.) Another example: "So, no sex for you tonight COMMA Claire."

Same thing with sentences like these: "In a moment COMMA Claire found herself" & "As owner of Club Hurricane COMMA Adam was always". Those begin with prepositional phrases, so you need a comma after.

"Claire Donahue." She spoke softly" - > "Claire Donahue," she spoke softly" Use a comma because there's a speech tag (she spoke) and it's all one sentences, so it's a lowercase s.

The other thing that caught my attention is how naive she is. I know that she doesn't know much about the BDSM world, which is understandable, but she's also naive when it comes to men in general and that makes her hard to really enjoy. I'm all for independent female OCs, so it turns me away that she's so clueless. It reminds me too much of Fifty Shades (especially with the term "vanilla sex" thrown in there and the fact she's a graduating college student).

I would say make the story your own and make the character your own. She can be smart and independent and strong and still not know much about BDSM. She can be naive about that world, but she put herself through college, she lives on her own and takes care of herself. Adam can still think she's a sub type without her literally being submissive in her life.