Pieces of Time - Comments

Um okay, how have I not known this story existed before? Your summary had me hooked and excited instantly; I absolutely love stories like this and you rarely find them on Mibba. This whole concept is just fantastic.

That first chapter, wow. Quite a whirlwind introduction. Poor Hortense. I really love your writing style, and the way you keep the dialogue realistic. A lot of times I find that historical fiction on here is rife with too modernized ways of speaking bur you're doing a great job with this.

I can already tell I'm going to like Emmeline; she's a fiesty one. I hope you continue with this because I see tremendous potential for this story.

I usually only comment on the first chapter of these stories, even if I plan on continuing to read them, so that's what I'm doing here.

So far this is actually really good in my opinion, and I definitely plan on reading this. It catches the reader and makes them want to keep reading, however i do have to point out what I assume is a typo in the 5th paragraph of the 1st chapter where you wrote: and the babe inside her for dead . If this is a typo, you should probably change babe to baby, if not go ahead and keep it. I know as a writer myself, I can miss a lot of typos and I'm assuming that's what happened.

I wish you the best of luck in writing.

xxx Sam

Birth
I love the way you've set up the story with the intro. It gives the reader some sort of idea how many times Balthazar has been born, and, from what I can tell by the last sentence, how many times his mother has given birth to him over the centuries. I can't wait to see more of him and to see if he remembers his past lives or not. I mean, I'm sure he does since he travels through time, but it isn't really confirmed from just reading the summary.

Perception
Emmeline has already caught my attention; from what I've read, she's a day-dreamer, a free spirit, and a girl who loves to help those that she can. And I love it. I love how caring and compassionate she is toward her friend and her family, helping out as much as she can, and she does it out of love. I can't wait to see how she plays more into the story with Balthazar.

I also have to say that I love the time period that this chapter is set in. It's really one of my favorite time periods to read and to write about. Anyway, I am already in love with this story. The idea (from the summary) is very interesting and I can't wait to see what happens next.

@ Alex Moore.
You should message me and fill me in!

@ pretty-thumb
Well I Always have story ideas laying around. I even had a very good potential co-write that didn't take off so let me know.

@ skywalkers.

Did I put that she only has a week, eep?! I'll have to go back and change that if I did. Her birthday (in my mind) is at least several months away. Emmeline doesn't disagree with marriage itself, but rather with being forced into it for the silly reason of social rank.

Edit: I see what I did. She has until the week before her birthday, not a week, to find a suitor she is willing to marry. Thanks for your questions and wonderfully written comment, dear!

@ Alex Moore.

Sorry for the slow response, and THANK YOU for your wonderfully thought out comment. I haven't co-written anything in a long long time, but it is something I definitely enjoy to do!

Time travel is such a great genre and it is something that has such possiblities. Your summary is short but intriguing and that is all I ask, I don't need to read long intro's before getting on with the actual story so i really like it.

The story starts off brilliantly, I can see everything happening before my eyes as if it was a movie. Chapeau!
This story is so mysterious and it leaves me wanting more and more. Who are the servants of the search and how come the sixth time he was born? Is this time travel with reincarnation? Those questions are the reason people keep reading and I have enough I want answered!

Emmeline? Who's that? I do understand she doesn't want to be yet another woman forced into marriage to get a better RANK.

Your imagery is amazing, your grammar as far as a dutch girl can judge; perfect and your way with words is mesmerizing. I am trying to find something critic to say but I am at a loss for it.

Another question; do you perhaps co-write?

Time travel is possibly my favorite trope in existence, alongside space travel. It's just so cool and mind-bending and fun.

I'm not going to lie, though, the description of the whole birth and everything made me squirm a little, but I guess that's the point babies are kind of scary, though...and demon babies...[shutters].

And then you switch to Emmeline. Who is Emmeline? What connection does she have to Balthazar? I like her. I hope nothing bad happens to her; she seems like a genuine and caring character.

Twenty-one was almost an old maid! Given the time period, I can't tell whether that's sarcastic or not. The only thing that struck me as odd was how quickly Emmeline gave in to her father's wishes, despite being written as being pretty headstrong. Did she want to marry ASAP, just not someone of her father's choosing? A week seems like a very, very short period of time to find a suitor, but I guess something big is going to happen in that week to make us think otherwise.

Posey and Emmeline's friendship seems pretty well-developed. I hope nothing bad happens to Posey. It's just that, since this is only two chapters in, I can't really tell what level of sadism you're at, so I'm watching you (er, reading you?). I'm looking forward to things connecting in following chapters, though!

I really like this so far. I don't read a lot of historical fiction/fantasy (which this feels like), but the reincarnation part hooks me.

The summary drew me in first. I thought that first line was a good one and I loved that there were already a lot of new terms being thrown around. I immediately wanted to know what a Keeper of the Epochs and the Key of Carnage and Creation were. I love when authors put a lot of work into creating brand new worlds.

The first chapter was short and sweet, but it really set the mood. The idea of there being (a) a secret organization of people that continually get reincarnated (it seems) and (b) a secret organization of people trying to stop that from happening, really added a lot of excitement and mystery to this story. I especially thought it was interesting that Bat's mom seems to always be his mom? (I got that from this line: “Hello again, Balthazar.”) I wondered if it was really a re-incarnation thing and if it was, how does it work.

The second chapter, I wasn't as interested in. For now, I'm just not really into Emmeline's story, but I'm sure the two characters lives are going to intersect at some point.

Either way, I'm interested and subscribed!

@ iron giant!
Thank you for the tips! I made the edits, so hopefully the chapter will flow a bit better now.

I was planning on commenting before I even saw you'd requested so on my blog! This story sounds so unique and just down my lane, I love it.

First things first, that's a lovely layout you got there

Birth

In the first sentence, "dank" isn't the word I would use there. I feel as if it mucks up the flow, and a vital thing is a first sentence that flows really well and pulls you in. The subject matter already does so. I would replace it with "dark and dirty," or something alone those lines.

lets just ignore the fact I had to google cajoling

Quote

Beaten and tear-stained, Hortense clawed herself into a squatting position after the seven men - she choked to hear herself think of them as such - had done with her.

I had to read this sentence a few times. I couldn't really understand what was happening at first, specially after the "the seven men." Your after the words between the dashes, "have done with her," doesn't really fit into the words before the dashes. "...clawed herself into a squatting position after the seven men had done with her." Doesn't make sense to me.

Aside from those two mishaps, I am still very excited for this story.

Perception

I love the description in the second paragraph. My kinda writing style

I feel as if "slightly-upturned" when describing Emmeline's nose is a little long. I think "upturned" or "piggish" would suffice. Neither is "she wore," when describing the dress. Just replace "the" with "her", so it says, "...her arms folding over her elegant green silk dress."

In the first two paragraphs after the page break, you introduce Hattie twice. I think you should edit out the first, 'cause the second introduction is better.

The only other issue I see is that gender roles--and roles in general--seem a little off. A woman, back then, would never speak out-of-turn at a man like that, let alone her father. And when it comes to Posey, it wasn't uncommon for a woman to been raising a family for awhile at 17, so "as a girl of just seventeen," seems a little off-base for the times. She's a full-grown woman by their standards, and this contradicts the beginning when Emmeline says that 21 is nearly an old woman.

But I'm really excited for this story. I love the concept and the writing is enough to keep me gripped and interested. I'm so so excited.

Oh, my GOD! This is so so so good!

I like the mood you have set straight from the beginning. So Balthazar is reincarnated in every generation? Is that so? And will his mother always be Hortense? AH! I really can't wait for more! I can't see anything wrong with this fic so far. Your description is flawless. You take me straight into the heart of the story and keep me on the edge of my seat. Your characterization is perfect! I'm a bit sad that Hortense died. But hopefully she'll be reborn?

All in all, I'm really in love with this so far and I can't wait to read more of what you have to offer with this story. Keep up the good work!