December 31st, 2010 at 10:56pm
I read up to the 7th chapter, and then I stopped.
I think the title's pretty good, definitely alluring. And you're a good writer, too. You use a good vocabulary and there's nothing wrong with the style. The whole Blood thing is really creative, I think, A really nice touch on the whole vampire thing. :)
Even so, you definitely have a lot to work out.
There's a lot, a lot of grammar mistakes and spelling mistakes throughout. I definitely recommend either using a word program, like Microsoft Word for the spelling errors. For grammar, you could get a beta? They're really helpful.
Someone already pointed this out, but you don't show signs of pregnancy the day after. And the doctor was totally like "yeah, definitely, you're pregnant" and give her the okay after a day? You can't tell if someone's pregnant the day after, no.
I mean, her throwing up would be realistic in the sense that she's hung over, but you should definitely do some research on that. As well as rape victims, for a while she was positive she was raped, and so freely told everyone and yet was almost perfectly okay with it. She didn't tell the cops, she showed no signs to it, nothing. If you did your research on rape victims you'd know that's not the case at all.Even if the rapist is hot.
You used the word "fag" a couple times, that's a homophobic slur and offensive to a lot of people. Just saying.
I'll admit that the fact that he can read minds but not hers- totally a Twilight cliche.
The fact that he's 25 and wears skinny jeans and a lip ring? In all actuality, how many well respected men in that age do that? The entire "emo" fad is more of a teenage thing, and then people grow up.
Her reactions are sort of odd too. Like, when a guy randomly appears out of no where, at first she's scared but then suddenly when he's not going to kill her, she's alright. He could still rape her, torture her, and yet she gets this sassy attitude. He can still do some pretty bad things without killing her, and she's completely comfortable with a guy breaking into her house. Most normal people would be reaching for the nearest blunt object.
And then she's totally alright with him kidnapping her. A vampire, which she also gave no reaction to, a man that could snap her like a twig in an instant. Completely okay with it, even though she's leaving her friends and her boyfriend and her family? I mean, she gives it a quick thought after, but then is like "okay whatever".
Realistically, most people would be freaking the fuck out. Her life is hanging by a thread, but since he's hot and she's carrying his baby it's okay. What about after he doesn't need her anymore? She never gives a thought about that, that he only needs her to carry his baby and then after he's going to kill her?
And his vampire family is totally okay with letting a human into the mix? I mean, shouldn't there be some ground rules at all? Vampires are sort of a secret, a really big secret that murders people a lot, I don't think they'd pick random girls off the street, bring them to wherever they are, and tell them all their life stories. Girls that they've known for, how long? A day or so?
... honestly?
You have some good points, and I'm sure you could right a good story. But there's no realism to it (vampires aside) she doesn't act at all like a normal human being at all. If you want any tips or want to bounce ideas off me, I'm here though. I don't want to sound like a bitch, and I'm totally up for helping you out.
:)
First one being the rape. The way you've portrayed it is incredibly demeaning in the sense that it isn't a big deal. She's pretty content with it (I mean, a few times here and there she teases him about it) and that's not very good, at all. Rape ruins people lives, it scars them for life and people have commited suicide because they feel so dirty and disgusted with themselves. It's not something to be taken lightly, and you play it off as so. The fact only days after she sleeps in the same bed with him is, I don't even know the word. Please, do your research on rape.
It ruins people's lives.
Beta still would be a good idea.
Stail I find a little one-dimensional and cliche. I think it could really make your story a little different from the rest if you delve more into her, which a lot of people don't. I mean, no one really is a slut just because. There's always a lot of psychological stuff behind it- insecurities issues, past experiences and/or relationships.
Another thing, is that I think you should have a concrete reason as to why he chose her that night. I mean, it could be anything, let your mind run wild, but not so random. Otherwise, he wouldn't have to treat her so well. He could just throw her in a dungeon and feed her and wait until she has the baby. I mean, some people these days actually do that (but with like, a basement). Why does it have to be her, why can't he just kill her and find some other random chick to impregnant, why does he care so much?
Otherwise, I did get better. The whole fast-pregnancy is weird, but in the first few chapters everyone seems totally alright with it which is completely odd. No one should even think it, since no one knows vampire baby science.
But yeah, it's cute and it's sweet. I think it's near the end anyways, so I'm not sure if my comment helps at all since it's pretty much done, but like I said, if you're starting a new story and have any questions on realism (which I find is basically the only major problem) don't be scared to give me a shout, I really don't have anything against you.
:)