Everybody Cares, Everybody Understands

“It’s possible I’m still drunk,” I groaned to Ryland as I curled up on the couch in the lounge of the bus. He looked to be the only one up, and also hurting. I had pulled a blanket with me from the bunk and pulled it over me and rested my head on the back of the couch.

“You were pretty rowdy and drunk last night,” Ryland smirked as he closed his eyes again.

“You’re one to talk,” I teased.

“Me?” Ryland laughed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” He said in jest.

“I usually have a good memory when I’m drunk…I see flashes of you dancing on a table and taking your shirt off. I definitely remember that. I also remember your obligatory twirling of the shirt above your head and then moving it between your legs,” I laughed a bit.

“I should trademark my moves. They’re so killer! Maybe I can get a dance DVD out of it?” Ryland laughed and then groaned he must have been really bad.

“It’s your signature move, but am I included? I did help you realize your potential as a dancer,” I asked sarcastically.

“Well, of course. I will need a stylist and a consultant and I trust you and your vision.”

“Excellent. Now let’s just talk details when we are not so hungover…I wish I could sleep when I’m drunk. I’m always up too early,” I pulled the blanket over my head and just had my eyes closed.

“I’m right there with ya, sista!” Ryland snapped and let his hand fall back to the ground.

“I’m jealous of Gabe in this instance. He can sleep through being hit by a truck.”

“He’s in love with his sleep.”

“I can’t believe this tour is almost over. I don’t feel like I’ve been on the road for a month. In a few hours we’ll be home for a bit,” I sighed as I thought about my bed and doing laundry.

“I wish I could rest in my bed before I went to the show,” He pouted a bit. “You’re not second guessing finishing the tour are you?”

“I’m in tour mode. I will be with you guys till the end. I know I’m going to have withdrawals once I’m off the bus and away from you guys.”

It was true. Being on tour you had such a routine and lived on a tight schedule. It was a whirlwind at times, but there was something comforting about it. Something comforting about knowing what you’d be doing at every moment and then the down time you could be creative. You could sleep, watch movies, have a little party on the bus, etc. I was used to it now, it was almost too easy to adapt to.

I got to have amazing quality time with Gabe and the band. It was funny, Alex, Nate, Victoria, Ryland and Dan Lipski and Hutto were like my family and we’ve all become such good friends over time. They were the easiest friends I’d ever made. They all made me feel like Gabe did, completely at ease and comfortable, it was amazing. Being on tour has brought us closer too, which was so nice. I had a special relationship with everyone now and I valued it so much. I felt like we were closer too because I was in the “trenches” with them. I lived the last month of tour, the schedule, the fans, the show, and parties – all of it. We had a shared experience and tour isn’t exactly what it sounds or seems and now I have a better understanding.

I was almost afraid of the prospect of tour after everything had happened. I always loved going on tour for short stints and just watching Gabe do what he loved, but with everything happening in my life and it being a month I was a bit anxious. But, despite my fears and anxiety I made myself put aside all of it before I stepped onto the plane to meet them and when Victoria whisked me away I knew everything was going to be okay. Tour has been a welcomed getaway and for the first time in a longtime I’ve been able to unplug.

I can’t say I’ve totally put my job, or lack thereof, or the impeding hearing completely out of my mind, but I’ve always been a believer in things happening for a reason and that things always worked out in the end. I just repeated that to myself and its helped me get through this. I never thought I lost my coping skills when I lost the baby, losing a child is so different, but it was nice to know I was intact and my days of not being able to cope had made me stronger.

All in all tour has been the most unexpected best thing to happen to me. And Gabe and I are in such a good place. This time was definitely needed for us to reconnect and talk about everything and become a united front again. We were like any couple, or I think anyway, we had or little fights here and there; it was hard not to being so close on the bus. But, aside from the general mundane bickering we were communicating really well and were finally moving forward.

“Sadler! Come back!” Gabe said sleepily, interrupting me and Ryland.

“My lord beckons,” I smiled at Ryland as I collected my blanket, wrapping it around me as I walked back toward our bunk.

I crawled back into the bunk and into Gabe’s open arms. As I slid next to him and wrapped his arms around me and pulled me tight and nestled his face into my neck. I kissed the side of his head and shut my eyes, reveling in how everything had fallen into place and how lucky I was.

“Did you miss me or something?” I asked sarcastically.

“I did. I wanted to snuggle,” He kissed my neck and I got goosebumps all down the one side of my body.

“I can’t wait to sleep in our bed today…though it’ll be lonely.”

“Don’t go home. Stay with me,” Gabe said as he opened his eyes and leaned back to look at me.

“I think a little time a part would be really healthy and we all need clean clothes. I’m the laundry bitch, remember?” I eyed him.

“Can we play laundry bitch next time we’re home together,” He winked.

“You come home and there’s a stain on your shirt…then one thing leads to another?” I ask raising an eyebrow at him and biting my bottom lip playfully.

“And then you can fold my clothes with a cute little apron on.”

“Why put on an apron that’s just gonna be torn off anyway?”

“Gotta leave something to the imagination. I am going to stain a lot of shirts,” He laughed and gave me a kiss.

I settled into Gabe’s arms and eventually fell asleep. We’d be home in a few hours and I was hoping not to be as hung over when we arrived so I could do laundry and a few other errands.

“We’re here,” Gabe whispered into my ear.

“Okay, okay,” I groaned and slowly rolled over and sleepily lowered myself down to the ground.

“I bet Meg has been waiting for you for like an hour,” Gabe teased as he launched himself out of his bunk.

“I hope she has coffee and Advil ready,” I stretched and then peered out the window in the lounge. Meg was indeed waiting for me. I smiled. I had missed her so much.

“She’s here,” I smiled to Gabe and the rest of the band was starting to come out from their bunks. Ryland was passed out on the couch.

“Did everyone get me their laundry?” I asked as I looked at the laundry bags that were in the front lounge as well.

“And their grocery list?”

“Oh, can I add wheat thins to my list?” Alex said as he poked his head out of his bunk and then rolled out.

“Yes, I’ll remember. I will get everything and meet you guys back here at about 5. It was only 8 in the morning now. We had started drinking early, before Cobra’s set and then gone to a small bar nearby and then continued the party on the bus starting right after bus call. We were all pretty hammered by 2 in the morning. I passed out around 3 and then woke up at 5 unable to sleep, when I went into the lounge.

“Bye, kids!” I smiled, still hungover, but not as bad as a few hours ago. Gabe helped me off the bus with the laundry bags I couldn’t carry.

“I missed you so much!” Meg squealed as she hopped toward me.

“I missed you too!” I laughed as she wrapped her arms around me. I dropped the bags on the ground and wrapped my arms around her too.

“What about me?” Gabe asked sarcastically.

“I actually missed you too Gabe. You kept Rob out of my hair,” She laughed giving Gabe a hug. I picked up the bags I had dropped and brought them to her car and shoved them into the back seat. Gabe came shortly after to shove three more bags in there.

“Em is coming over with Ian and Levi later too!” Meg smiled.

“I can’t believe he’s almost a year old. I am so excited to see them too!” My giddiness was overpowering my hangover, which was so nice.

“Bring the little man to the show tonight. We’ve got some headphones for him. You guys can stand side stage,” Gabe was lit up with happiness. I couldn’t wait till he got to light up about our own child. I definitely could not wait for that.

“I’ll ask her. That’d be so fun!” I smiled. “Okay, gotta go and get all this done. I’ll see you soon,” I said quickly and gave Gabe a kiss. He waved good-bye to Meg and I and we got into her car.

“I feel like you’ve been gone forever!” Meg said exasperated as we drove. She had never been this excited to see me.

“Is something going on?” I asked with a laugh. “I love you, but seriously, you’ve never been this excited about anyone,” I teased.

“Nothing is going on. I just realized I don’t like my other friends as much as you. They are still wrapped up with petty bullshit. I realized they just have nothing on you…and Emily has a baby, it’s so different.” She rambled.

“Well, we’ve known each other all our lives. I think if we’ve lasted this long, we sort of like each other,” I smiled, feeling loved.

“Fact. Do you want to do grocery shopping and then we can hang out, I’ll do laundry and Em will come over?” I asked leaning over and giving her a kiss on the cheek.

“Aww. Yes, that sounds like a plan. You look like shit, just so you know,” She was always one with words.

“Thanks!” I said feigning hurt. “I’m hurting this morning. We got a little drunk when we went out after the show and then on the bus…”

“Gabe looked amazing though,” Meg winked with a smile.

“He’s a pro at drinking that’s why. I need a coffee stat though.”

We drove to the grocery store and I grabbed a coffee at the café inside. It made me feel so much better. The caffeine helped my headache, but I’d need water after this to stay hydrated. We walked around the grocery store just gossiping. We’d talked just about every day while I was away. I talked to Emily constantly and a few people from work too. I was so grateful for my friends, especially during this time.

I filled up the cart making sure I got everything on everyone’s list. They weren’t long, as we only had a week left, but there was still a good amount to get. I reached for Alex’s wheat thins and my phone started to ring. I dropped the box into the cart and took my phone out of the pocket of my sweatshirt –unknown number. I answered it anyway, I just had a weird feeling about the call.

“Hello, this is Sadler,” I answered.

“Sadler, its Michael Moyer, how are you?” My lawyer asked.

“I’m good. How are you? How’s everything going?” I asked hesitantly. Meg eyed me wanting to know who was on the other line. “My lawyer,” I mouthed to her as we moved along.

“I’m okay. I know you’re back in town today, correct?” Michael didn’t give any sign of whether what he had to say was good or bad, which put me more on edge.

“Correct. Did you need to see me? What’s going on?”

“If you have time I’d love to see you and explain everything in person. Are you available today?”

“Uh, yes. I am grocery shopping now. I should be home in an hour if you just want to stop by. I am there till about five tonight…Are we okay?” I asked starting to feel my heart speed up and this wave of anxiety wash over me.

“I’ll see you in about an hour then. We’ll discuss all business then. Don’t worry, okay?” Michael said with a lift in his voice to try and stop me from thinking negatively.

“Okay, I’ll see you then,” I said as I hung up my phone.

“Who was that? What’s going on?” Meg asked as I checked off the last item on the lists and we headed for the registers.

“It was Michael, my lawyer. He needs to come over and discuss some things with me. I don’t know what it’s about, but I just don’t have a good feeling. I feel nauseous,” I was so nervous now.

“Don’t be nervous and the nausea is from being hungover. Maybe they want to settle out of court? Is that possible? I’m not a lawyer, clearly,” She said flippantly as she started to load up the belt at the register.

“I mean why would I be able to be happy for a bit?” I sighed and helped her as well.

We cashed out and piled the groceries into her car and headed back to my place. Of course this healing period, this time on the road that was so amazing had to be tested. When things are too good to be true, they usually are. I was so nervous. All I could do was fidget in the car. Meg tried to keep conversation, but I could barely utter a word back. She didn’t know what to do, but she tried to talk to me, even though I was unresponsive.

Rob was waiting for us at my apartment when we got back. Meg got out of the car before me and sort of gave him a look. His smile faded from eager to see me to more of a sympathetic half smile. I got out of the car and tried to at least mimic his smile if not something better.

“Hey fantasy,” Rob said lightly as if he talked louder I’d be set off.

“Hi boo!” I mustered some energy and jumped onto Rob and threw my arms around his neck. He held me tight.

“Whatever it is that’s got you down we’ll get through,” He whispered to me. I held him tighter.

“I had no doubt,” I said letting him go. Meg had put the bags on the ground and out of the car and we all grabbed what we could to bring it upstairs.

“What time is Emily coming over?” I asked as we rode up in the elevator.

“She’ll be here around three or something,” Meg said. “She is so excited to show you Levi taking steps. He’s not totally doing it on his own, but it’s the cutest thing ever,” She gushed.

“It really is…it melted this ice queen’s heart,” Rob joked as he squished Meg in the corner of the elevator.

“I clearly am so cold-hearted,” I couldn’t see her, but I knew she was rolling her eyes. “I did take you back, which I’m rethinking as we speak,” She laughed a bit as Rob backup again into her.

“I melted your heart,” Rob said seriously.

“Yes, yes you did,” She said lovingly and while Meg was never an ice queen, Rob really had changed her and for the better.

After we loaded the fridge with all the stuff that needed to be refrigerated, we sat on the couch and talked. I caught Rob up on what was happening and then everything about tour. It was just waiting for Michael to call and say he was near, which happened at the very moment I thought it.

“Hello, Sadler. I’m just walking into your building,” He said sounding a little more upbeat.

“Okay, let me call down and tell them you’re okay and you know where I am,” I sighed. I hung up and called to the front desk to allow him access and shortly after there was a knock on my door.

I went and answered the door. Michael was dressed casually, which eased my mind a bit. He wasn’t in his typical suit; all buttoned up. I put up my arm to show him he could go into the living room.

“I have company, but whatever is said to me can be said in front of them if that’s okay?” I asked as I shut the door and followed behind him.

“Of course. Nothing confidential that I’d have to ask them to leave. I just preferred to do this in person, so I could answer all your questions and ease your mind,” He said as he sat down in one of our chairs and put his bag on the coffee table.

“That doesn’t sound good. What’s happening?” I sat down on the couch and all the way on the end so Michael and I could talk. Rob and Meg were on the loveseat next to us.

“I have some bad news…mainly because you may have to cancel your trip to Europe,” Michael was handling the situation with kid gloves. “They are moving to push the hearing back because they need more time to prepare. I wasn’t aware of this until yesterday, but Lucas once he made bail checked himself into a rehab facility for treatment of his depression, etcetera. He won’t be released in time for the hearing and they want time to speak with him when he’s out. Apparently, he has not been allowed to talk to his lawyers, so they are motioning to push the hearing back.”

“Okay, so it doesn’t change anything really…just a later date,” I said aloud to myself trying to convince myself of that. “I mean, would they not grant me the permanent restraining order because he’s ‘rehabilitated’?” I asked trying to understand.

“It’s a possibility, that’s why I wanted to talk to you in person. I am committed to you and making sure you are safe. I want you to know that,” He said seriously.

“I know. I appreciate that,” I said sincerely. “When will we get the new date?”

“The judge is considering it now, but most likely tomorrow afternoon.”

“Do I need to stick around? Can I finish out the tour?” I did not want this to be my last night on tour and for it to be ending because of all this drama.

“No, if anything the hearing will be on the same date. There is no motion to move it up at all. I’ll call you as soon as I hear though. How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay. Just bummed I may not get to go to Europe,” I laughed a bit. I wasn’t worried. If I didn’t get the order of protection extended at least I had piece of mind knowing he’d taken the steps to get help, if not because of what he did to me, but for his son.

“Well, hopefully you’ll get to go to Europe soon enough. I’m sorry that this is interrupting your plans, but the will be over soon enough,” Michael assured me.

“Thank you, I hope so too.”

The news wasn’t so bad, but at least things were still going to happen. The hearing was still going to happen, just at a later date. I felt good about it all too; I really did.

Michael stayed for another half hour to brief me on a few other things and then left. Meg and Rob were immediately on top of me to make sure I was okay. I assured them that I was and I threw in some laundry as they made some lunch and snacks for us and for Emily, Ian and Levi.

Emily showed up around two and I immediately took Levi into my arms. I hasn’t seen him in a month and he already looked like he’d grown two feet.

“I missed you little one,” I said as I smothered him with kisses and he laughed hysterically.

“We brought some snacks too, but I see you’ve got stuff out already,” Ian said and put his grocery bag in the kitchen.

“You look like death, Sadie,” Emily said as she kissed me.

“Why do I have such brutally honest friends?” I laughed taking Levi into the living room and putting him down near the table, so he could hold himself up.

“You just look very pale, like you’re sick. You okay? Are you eating okay on tour?” Emily asked as she curled up on the couch next to me.

“I’m hungover. I haven’t had a chance to shower or get ready today. My lawyer came by because they are most likely pushing the hearing back, so bummer no Europe,” I whined a bit as I watched Levi stumble around while still gripping the table.

“I’m sorry, Sad,” She said and gave me a side hug.

“You can come hang out at Chez Fitzgerald if you’d like,” Ian laughed from the kitchen and Rob and Meg started bringing out lunch to put on the coffee table.

“Ah oui! I could and spend time with the most beautiful man I know!” I grabbed Levi again and he shrieked with laughter and it made everything better.

Between visiting with my company I was able to get laundry done. Em and Ian were so excited to bring Levi to see Gabe perform. I folded all of the clothes, gathered up all the groceries and we headed over to the venue around 5.

I stopped on the bus first to put the laundry on and to put the groceries away. I gave Em and Ian a tour of the bus and they couldn’t believe nor did they want to believe that Gabe and I slept in such a small bunk. I had to convince them that it was comfortable--most of the time anyway. After showing them the bus we went backstage to see Gabe and the band.

“You two made a cute baby,” Gabe smiled as he greeted Emily and Ian and steeling Levi away from them.

“Two beautiful people tend to make a beautiful baby,” Emily said nonchalantly as she walked past Gabe and into the green room.

“Can I talk to you?” I asked after Ian walked into the green room away from us.

“Of course,” He laughed and gave me a kiss.

“I can’t go to Europe,” I said sadly. “Michael called today. Apparently, Lucas checked into rehab and won’t be out in time for the trial. He hasn’t been able to make contact with his lawyers, so they are asking for more time.”

“That makes me so bummed,” Gabe groaned. He definitely chose his words carefully as he looked at Levi.

“I know, me too, but at least it’s still on and this will be over and behind us,” Gabe kissed me and wrapped his arms around me.

“I love you,” Gabe said and he let me go, but keeping one arm around my shoulders and pulled me through the hall to the green room where everyone else was.

The night was amazing. Being able to watch Gabe from the sidestage with our closest friends was just indescribable. Levi loved it; he bounced his head perfectly to the beat. With the night being so amazing it was that much harder to leave them. I felt how I always did when Gabe left for tour; like a part of me would be missing till I saw them again. Thankfully, knowing I’d see them in a week helped me not break down into tears as I hugged them all goodbye.

+++

“Why don’t you just take some over the counter stuff?” Victoria asked as we laid out in the lounge relaxing as we drove to the next city. Only two more dates left and we’d be home in four days!

“I hate taking medicine. I’m drinking orange juice. I can feel that I’m getting better, but that night of drinking jumpstarted this cold, sickness or whatever it is,” I groaned. I had been sick since we left New York.

“It’s been three days of you throwing up and just not feeling well,” Victoria said concerned.

“I’m not running a fever or anything. It’s probably just a bug,” My eyes were burning from exhaustion and not being able to sleep. “Plus, being on a cramped bus and then surrounded by thousands of kids is probably not helping nip this in the bud either.”

“Do you think you’re pregnant?” She asked bluntly and out of nowhere.

“No, there is no way. I’m on the pill and we’re very careful,” I scoffed.

“Just asking, it’s not like we don’t know you guys have sex in the middle of the night,” She winked at me.

“We try and be as quiet as can be,” I assured her laughing a little that we’d been caught. I thought we’d been so good. We always waited a few hours after everyone went to bed, just to be safe. I guess it was assumed that we were married and sleeping in the same bunk and it was a given.

“We don’t hear anything, you know we all hook into our headphones, but we know.”

“Yeah, no and we’re waiting. I’ll go off the pill when we get home and then when you guys get back from Europe, that’s when we’re gonna start trying again,” I assured her. There was no way I could be pregnant.

“Okay, that’s fine. Just thinking that’s all,” She shrugged.

“Thank you, but it’s very doubtful,” It still hurt my heart that it was doubtful even though it’s what I wanted; to wait that is.

“Will you just take a test? To rule it out for me?” She was too invested and excited in the prospect of me possibly being pregnant.

“Don’t get excited, please. I know it’ll be negative, but I don’t need to get my hopes up for them to be crushed, okay?”

“I’m sorry. You two were just so cute with Levi yesterday. I just want you guys to have one or ten, you deserve it,” She said sincerely.

“Thank you…it means a lot to me to hear you say that. I’ll take a test if it’s what gets you off my back,” I teased.

“As soon as we pull into the lot we are finding a CVS or Walgreens or something. I have to know now,” She said giddily.

“Again, don’t get your hopes up or try to get mine up,” I almost scolded. I couldn’t think that there was even a remote possibility that I was pregnant. If I thought it and it didn’t happen I know I’d be very disappointed. I just didn’t need that right now.

We pulled up to the venue about a half hour later and the bus parked. The guys were still asleep and Lipski went to work with the venue and would wake them up later. Victoria and I told him that we were just going to find a drug store and pick me up some medicine and we’d be back. He nodded and let us go on our way without further questioning; he knew I had been sick lately too, so it wouldn’t be a surprise that I needed some medicine.

I was nervous as we walked. My heart was in my throat. I didn’t know where this was coming from. I knew the answer to the test, I wasn’t pregnant. I wasn’t.

“Should we get like three just to make sure?” Victoria asked me as we spotted a drug store; we had only walked about a quarter of a mile.

“Whatever will help you sleep at night,” I groaned a bit and Victoria took my hand and pulled me across the street and through the doors to the store.

“I’ve only taken a pregnancy test once in my life,” She confided.

“Really? Recently?” I asked still holding her hand for comfort.

“Like two years ago. I thought we were careful and then I didn’t get my period so I took a test and went to the doctor. She just said it was stress from touring and stuff that I skipped, which was so weird for me. I’m like clockwork. It was a bit nerve wracking, but I think I would have been ready I had been,” She rambled as she scanned the aisles for the tests.

“You’re going to be a very cute mom. Gizmo in one arm and the baby in the other,” I smiled at her.

“For now Gizmo is my only baby, but that will definitely be true,” She stopped short and I bounced into her a bit.

“What about the one that is so amazing to pee on?” I said matter-of-factly, picking up the box to a test that I had seen advertised as the “Most Amazing Stick You’ll Ever Pee On.” I had used this one last time I thought I was pregnant and I was.

“I hope it lives up to its name or we’ll be disappointed,” She laughed.

I took the box to the counter. I had finally released my grip on Victoria’s hand and my confidence had come back. It wasn’t that scary. I knew this was a fruitless endeavor and a waste of money, but I’d do it to appease Victoria and myself too.

We got back to the venue and locked ourselves in bathrooms of the venue. I didn’t need to dispose of this in the backstage bathroom for anyone to find. I didn’t want to get Gabe’s hopes up either or for them to think it was Victoria; that’s not something either of us wanted.

“Okay, so no how long do we wait?” She asked as I capped the tip of the test and put it on the counter of the sink.

“Three minutes. This will be the longest three minutes of my life!” I started to pace and bite my nails.

“Stop biting your nails,” Victoria reprimanded me. It was something I resorted to when I was nervous and I tried, but I couldn’t help but bit my nails down.

“Sorry,” I shoved my hands into my sweatshirt.

I finally sat on the floor so I couldn’t see the test. I don’t know why it had so much power over me. We had been so careful. If I was pregnant, what would happen? I got drunk several times on this tour and I’m still taking my pill. If I was pregnant, with my behavior I surely wasn’t going to have a healthy baby. I was so stupid. I cursed myself out loud.

“What?” Victoria asked and dropped to the floor next to me.

“If I am pregnant…this baby is fucked,” My eyes instantly started to brim with tears. “I have been on the pill still and I’ve been drinking…”

“That doesn’t mean anything. A lot of women have no idea. They have false periods and go about their lives and have perfectly healthy babies. We have fifteen seconds,” She hugged me quickly and kissed the side of my head and helped me to my feet.

We both stared at the stick as it sat with the screen face down on the counter. I could hear both of our hearts beating out of our chests. We were both nervous. Victoria took my hand and gave me a look as if to ask if she should be the one to pick it up, I just nodded. She carefully picked up the test and flipped it over and looked at it.

“You’re not pregnant,” She said letting out a big breath of air she had been holding in. She showed me the test.

“I’m not pregnant,” I said and a wave of emotions came over me so quickly. I just started to cry and Victoria pulled me into her arms.

I wasn’t pregnant, which was a good thing because of my behavior and because Gabe and I really weren’t ready. He was on tour for another two months and I had the hearing, it just was better for us to not be pregnant, well that’s at least what my head thought. My heart was breaking into pieces. I just wanted to get pregnant so bad, especially after spending time with Gabe and Levi together; it just felt right.

This was okay though. We had time to make it happen and it would, I still had hope and that was the most important thing. I hadn’t lost hope just yet.