The Stars Are Fading Away

I'm letting you down
You were just
Hiding it so well

I woke up very confused. I wasn’t on the bathroom floor, but in Derrick’s room. My arm already stung, badly. The door was ajar, and I could see Derrick at the sink at Mason on the couch. Mason was staring at me, and once I opened my eyes he immediately turned to Derrick.

“She’s awake.”

“Good,” he replied.

I wasn’t dizzy anymore, but I felt shaken. My forehead was sweaty and my arms felt weak.

I looked up and Derrick was standing over me, holding a cup of water. He put it on the table beside the bed.

“How long was I unconscious?” My voice sounded almost feeble.

“Like twenty minutes. Do you feel dizzy or anything? I’m afraid you lost too much blood…”

I sat up a little and reached for the glass of water. I drank a sip of it and sat up the rest of the way.

“No, I think I’m fine now.”

“Why did you faint, then?” Derrick’s brow creased and he sat down on the foot of the bed.

“I think… Just all the blood…”

“Wouldn’t that be blood loss?”

“No, the sight of it.”

“Oh.” He nodded. His head snapped up to the doorway. I looked, too, and Mason was standing there. He had a tortured expression on his face.

“Amber… I am so sorry. I didn’t know what it was doing to you. I shouldn’t have pressured you so much. I shouldn’t have been so controlling. I was so fixed on… The greater good, I guess you’d call it, that I didn’t think of how it would affect you in the short term.”

He sat down on the bed, too, and I found Derrick had left. I couldn’t seem to concentrate on more than one thing.

“I hate to think I’m the reason you’re doing this.” His face was turned away from me, his voice heavy with hatred directed inward. “I don’t want to hurt you. And it was so much worse than last time… I hurt you worse than he did.”

The thought of Mason hurting me more than Wren disturbed me.

“No, Mason, that’s not true. There was just too much on my plate, and I was overthinking it, and… It’s not your fault.”

“Yes it is. Derrick noticed what was going on, and I didn’t.”

“Everyone misses things sometimes.”

“Not when they’re that obvious! Not when they’re staring you in the face!” He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, pulling on it in the back. He bit his lip, hard. “You promised me that you would.”

“Yes.”

“Can it please just be soon?” he eyes finally looked at me, hopeful. “I think both of us need it, a lot.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I’ll try.”

Mason scooted up on the bed and wrapped his arms around me and rested his cheek on the top of my head.

“I love you,” he whispered, almost to himself. It nearly made me cringe. He thought what I’d done was because of him. He was only trying to do what he thought was best, even if he could have been more lenient. Mason had done so much for me, and what had I done for him. All I’d done was caused him pain and worry.

Mason leaned down to kiss my cheek. At the last moment, I turned my head so he kissed my lips in instead. He pulled away immediately.

“Amber…?” His face was confused.

I quickly pressed my lips to his again. He seemed surprised, but he kissed back. I moved so I was facing him and his other arm snaked around my waist.

“Mason, do you know if Bryce has—OH MY GOD!” I felt Mason being wrenched out of the bed.

“FIRST OFF, THAT IS MY BED!” Mason was half on the ground, leaning on the dresser, and Derrick was yelling at him.

“YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT, MASON! DON’T YOU GET IT? SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU CARE ABOUT HER! SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU HATE HURTING HER! AND SHE DOESN’T LIKE THAT THE ONLY THING SHE’S GIVEN YOU IS WORRY! SHE WANTS TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU! STOP BEING SUCH A PRICK AND KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS! WE BOTH KNOW THAT IF YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING NEXT TO HER, YOU'RE GOING TO DO THE SAME THING AS THE FIRST TIME AND BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER IT! SO JUST DON’T!”

Derrick stopped shouting, breathing hard. Mason looked almost embarrassed. I had no idea what my face looked like. It seemed like someone was always reading my mind.

Mason slowly straightened up. He stared at the floor, kind of messing up his hair with his hand.

“I… You’re right. I’m stupid.”

“Hell yes I’m right.”

Mason cringed.

“You need to think about things before you do them.”

“Says the guy who kisses the girl who he says is like his sister!” Mason was glaring at him now.

“At least it didn’t hurt her!”

“I DIDN’T THINK IT THROUGH!”

“Neither did I, and what turned out worse.”

Mason shoved Derrick. Derrick shoved him back.

“STOP FIGHTING!” They both turned to look at me, like they had forgotten I was there. I turned to Derrick. “You’re being a douche about it, Derrick. He gets it now. You don’t need to bring up what I’ve already forgiven him for.”

“He was being an idiot.”

“I don’t care. He didn’t think it through, but he’s not an idiot.”

Derrick’s mouth opened, then closed. He couldn’t think of anything to say back to that.

I got up off Derrick’s bed and out the door, motioning for Mason to come with me. I went into his room and sat down on the couch, pulling my knees to my chest. He sat across from me, on the foot of the bed.

“Amber, you didn’t have to do that.”

“What? Stop you guys from brawling?”

“No, try to make it up to me.”

That threw me off. “Oh.”

“I don’t want you to feel that way. You don’t owe me anything, Amber.”

“Yes, I do. You’ve done so much and I–”

“And you’ve been the best thing that’s happened to me. I know that you make me worry. It’s because I care about you. You don’t need to give me anything back.”

“But–”

“I didn’t have to get involved. But I did. I knew what I was getting into.” He paused for a second. “Most of what I was getting into.”

“Most of it,” I repeated pointedly.

“I didn’t expect for it to last this long. I didn’t expect Derrick to get involved, or you to cut yourself or almost commit suicide. But I should have. It’s my fault for not realizing that long the way. I was in denial, because I wanted it to work out my way.”

“What was your way?”

“You falling in love with me, too, and leaving Wren for me.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but forgot what it was, leaving my mouth hanging open.

“I… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. What do you have to be sorry for?”

I was silent. I didn’t exactly know what I was apologizing for, either.

Derrick walked into the room, holding a roll of gauze. I looked down at my arm and saw there was still only toilet paper around my arm. The cuts had bled through that, not surprisingly since it was so thin.

Derrick sat beside me and wordlessly began to unravel the toilet paper, then rewrapping my arm with the gauze.

“Glad to see your not fucking,” he fired, aiming at Mason.

“Don’t,” I glared at him. He rolled his eyes and turned back to wrapping the bandaging around my arm. I yanked my arm away.

“No! Don’t roll your eyes! You’re being an ass! What is it, are you jealous?”

Derrick’s mouth twisted to the side, for a second before replying.

“Jealous? No, I’m not jealous.”

“It seems like you are.”

“I am angry, though, because Mason is being selfish.”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Yes it is. Mason made it my business when he told me. I care about you, too, Amber and I think that your forgetting that there are other people who are fond of your well-being besides him.” His voice raised a little at the end, turning angry. He turned and walked about of the room, closing the door loudly, but not slamming it.

I looked towards Mason, confused. His eyes didn’t hold an answer. He moved to sit next to me on the couch and finished wrapping the gauze around my arm. He stuck the sticky end of it to the rest of the bandage and pulled me into him. I put my arms around him, too.

"What's with him?"

"He's just… I don't know." He paused, and pulled his ring back into his mouth for a second. “You'll do it soon, right?”

I took a deep breath.

“Right.” I wouldn't over think it this time. Just end it. It wasn't hard.

Even I didn't believe myself.