I Find Myself in You

“Lainey, come on, they’re waiting for you,” Flannery called up the stairs.

I groaned, and fell back on my bed. I wished I could stay up here until they left. Unfortunately, something told me Flannery would play her newly self-instated role of ‘sister motivator’ and force me to go down with them. I groaned and got up, trudging down the stairs. There was no way to avoid this, so I might as well just do it.

“Hey guys,” I said, going into the living room where they were all sitting. I sat down on the couch next to Nick. I sighed, and quickly at looked at Joe for a brief second. He was staring at his knees. I averted my gaze and noticed both Nick and Kevin staring at me. I sighed. “So,” I said.

“Have you talked to Demi lately?” Nick asked pointedly.

I glared at him. “Yeah I did. And we had a nice little talk about nothing.”

“Dinner’s ready,” Flannery said, coming into the room. She paused, starring around at us. “Wow um, should I go get a knife to cut the tension or do you guys want to do it?”

We all looked at her, confusion on her face. She rolled her eyes. “Sorry for my attempt at humor, but seriously guys, dinner.”

“Lainey, take your time getting there. You two Joe.”

“Subtle Nicholas,” Kevin laughed and followed after him quickly.

Flannery sighed, and walked out too. I groaned. “They’re not too slick, are they?”

He smiled slightly. “Subtlety was never a strong point in our family.”

I sighed, and looked at him. I noticed his voice, though slightly sarcastic, was blank. It was empty. His expression was empty as well. He was empty. “This isn’t awkward at all.”

He sighed. “Sorry about that.”

“Nick told me you were acting weird when you guys got home,” I said quietly.

“Did he?” Joe asked. “I was fine.”

“So you didn’t not talk to anybody, or go straight to your room?”

He shrugged. “I was just tired. Leave it to Nick to explode that into something bigger. He worries too much.”

“So he was just hyping it up for no reason?” I asked, not really believing him, but too eager to pretend to buy it.

“Yup," he said, smiling. But I noticed it didn't meet his eyes.

“And we’re okay?”

“We’re fine,” he assured me, standing. "Now let’s go eat.”

I got up and followed him into the dining room. I could tell whatever was bothering him was still there. I really prayed it wasn't because of the kiss. I hadn't meant to hurt him. I just -- couldn't kiss him back. Not when I still wanted someone else. But still, I had grown really close to Joe, and I wasn’t really sure if I was willing to lose him just yet, or ever for that matter. There was something about him – I wasn’t sure what it was. But there was something there that really made me feel like I was under a microscope all the time, or that I had to pretend to be something I wasn’t. I could be me, and I could be okay.

“So,” Flannery said as she passed Nick a plate. “Did Flannery tell you about her amazing new movie role?”

“You’re going to be doing a new movie?” Kevin asked.

I glowered at my sister. Why was she bringing this up? “No, actually I’m not.”

“She’s just so stubborn,” Flannery sighed, shaking her head. “The role is amazing. She’d be playing the girlfriend of a leukemia patient. It’s truly such an amazing story, and Lainey would be perfect for it. And yet, she refuses to even try out for it, because she wants to one up our mom.”

I rolled my eyes. “That’s not why I’m not doing it.”

“It would be an amazing opportunity,” Kevin piped up. I glared at him. I could tell he didn’t buy the whole not doing it because of my mom thing.

“All your other movies have been either romances or comedies,” Nick added. “The new plot could really help you, make you a more serious actress.”

“I don’t want to be a more serious actress,” I groaned.

"You should do it," Joe said quietly. I stared at him. What the hell? Was he serious? I thought ht understood me more than anyone. I thought he would get at least why I couldn't do this.

The bell rang. “I will get it,” I said happily, eager to get the hell away from this conversation. I walked to the door, trying to take my time so I didn’t have to go back yet. I really wish I could have taken longer, because as soon as I opened the door, I immediately regretted it. There stood my mother. “Um.. mom?”