I Find Myself in You

"I do not understand you guys," I said we I sat on their couch. We had finally ditched the cameras and paparazzi half an hour ago. But we had all agreed it would be a good idea to lie low a bit. And seeing as I had finally picked up Flannery's call to find out that our street had turned into a mini Red Carpet paparazzi section, we had all also agreed that the boys' house was the safest place right now.

"Well we are extremely complicated," Joe nodded. "It actually takes rocket science to get us."

Nick, Kevin, and I laughed. I was actually a bit surprised how easily I could laugh. I mean I hadn't exactly been the happiest piper lately. "Seriously though," I said. "How do you guys do it?"

"Do what," Kevin asked.

Joe rolled his eyes. "She means how do we be so amazing attractive all the time. Well Lainers, it's really all natural. You can't just become this amazing good looking. It's all in the genes, baby."

"Genes, you clearly missed out on," Nick rolled his eyes. I laughed. Nick turned to me. "So how do we do what?"

I sighed. What was I trying to ask them? Did I even know? "You guys have been in the business for two years," I said. "And yet you guys come spend your vacation in New Jersey? How'd you guys stay so close to home?"

All three of them shared a smile. I didn't really understand. "You came to spend your vacation in Jersey too."

"Yeah, but that wasn't exactly my choice," I pointed out. "Honestly, getting out of here was the best thing I ever did."

"Moving to L.A. doesn't make us lose who we were," Kevin said. His words seemed to have a double meaning. I looked at him. He smiled understandingly. He, no they, understood that their words didn't apply to everyone. They didn't apply to me.

I sighed. "So I can't believe we haven't met yet," I said, quickly changing the subject. I didn't want to have to tell my sob story. I didn't want them to think I was as ungrateful as Flannery said I was. "I mean, we're in the same label. Shouldn't we have?"

"We actually have wanted to meet you ever since we got signed," Joe admitted. "But we haven't gotten the chance. You were always busy."

"We tried to record a song with you," Nick added. "We asked the label. But you were on your world tour."

"Oh," I said. "Yeah, I've been – busy." Busy doing what? Busy distracting myself from this emptiness? Busy trying to pretend I was okay? Busy signing on every job I could to never have time for anything? Busy wearing myself out?

"We've noticed," Kevin said. "Honestly, we don't understand how you do it. You're amazing."

I smiled slightly. "Thanks." But not really, I added in my head.

"You're also pretty loser-ish with the not going to anything thing," Joe said. Nick stepped on his foot. "I mean that in the best way possible."

Nick and Kevin rolled their eyes. I giggled. "No, it's true. I really don't like going to those events. I mean, they're not really my thing. I never have fun."

"Maybe you're just not going with the right people," Joe suggested.

"Maybe," I said.

We got quiet then.

Said you'd never come back
But here you are again
Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece --

"Hello," I answered my phone.

"Lainey, the coast is clear," my sister announced.

"Okay, thanks Flan," I sighed. "I'll be home soon."

"You're leaving," Joe asked when I hung up. I nodded.

"Well now that we've met, we'll have to hang out soon," Nick said.

"Definitely," I agreed, hugging them all and heading to the door.

"Wait," Joe stopped me. He pulled off his hoodie and handed it to me. "You're going to need some kind of cover before the paparazzi comes behind you again."

I thanked him and gratefully put it on. It smelled really nice. I sighed, getting into my car. I looked at the house I had just left. Nick, Joe, Kevin. I don't know what it was. But I realized that for the first time in a long time, I had actually felt something, something different. I liked it. Whatever it was, I wasn't ready to lose it just yet. I pulled Joe's hoodie closer to me before driving home.

---

"So mom called," Flannery said as she opened the yellow pages book. I sat in a chair on the islander as she looked for a good pizza place.

"Oh," I asked. I tried not to sound too overly excited. My mom was what Hollywood called momagers. She was my manager. But unfortunately, she had expanded her clientele, and now she was also the manager of a lot of other people too, which meant less of the mom time.

She nodded. "She might have another role set up for you," she told me.

I groaned. Of course. "No," I said.

"She said it was a really good part," Flannery said, defending her, as usual.

"No Flan," I said firmly. "I don't want to do anything right now. I just want to relax. You know? Take a vacation?"

"We’ve talked about this," Flannery sighed. "Your career is at the top right now. You don't want to change that."

"And I don't want to work so much that I become useless either," I snapped. "Look Flan. I just – can't right now, okay? I can't. I don't know why. I just – can't."

She looked at me questioningly. She shook her head and turned back to the yellow pages. "I told mom she could send the script. Check it out before you decide, okay?"

I groaned. I had no choice, did I? Of course not. When I did have a choice in my life. The doorbell rang. "I'll get it," I sighed.

I opened and grinned. Standing in front of me were the boys. "What are you guys doing here," I asked them.

"We are here to see you, of course," Joe said. "We told you we wanted to hang out sometime. Remember?" He grinned and came in.

"That and our parents are still in L.A. this week, and none of us know how to cook," Nick grinned.

I laughed. "Want to stay for dinner? We're having pizza."

"If you insist," Joe grinned.

I laughed, shaking my head as they walked into the kitchen. I found myself grinning more than I had been even 5 minutes ago. I didn't know what it was. Maybe it was the fact that they were three of the few people who hadn't let Hollywood change them. Or maybe it was because they treated me like they'd known me for years, something totally unusual in this business. Well, with genuine intentions anyway. This was really weird. But I liked it.