I Find Myself in You

My father had once told me something when I was really young, before I had started in this business, before any of my true heartaches began, before he was cruelly taken from me. He told me that life was the best teacher because every lesson life taught, every test delivered, would remain with you for all of time.

I couldn’t believe I was actually happy again. It felt like the first time in forever that I actually smiled genuinely all the time. But my life had taught me certain lessons that told me this wasn’t going to last. This peace, this serenity, it would not last. My happy life was sooner or later going to take a turn for the worse and my life would be in complete ruins again. That was the life I had unknowingly signed up for. This was the lesson that my choice of life had taught me. And this is what I feared.

“You’re being ridiculous,” Miley said for the eightieth time.

I just glanced at her before looking at the next dress on the rack. We had come shopping, more on Miley’s demand than my willingness. But here I was, looking for a new dress for Nick’s birthday party. I needed to tell Joe what color I was wearing so he wouldn’t wear the same one. After all, there was nothing worse than matching with someone you were secretly seeing. “I didn’t really ask for your opinion.”

“Yes but you told me so that means you’re asking without asking obviously,” she waved it off and held up a lilac colored dress. “What about this one?”

“Not feeling it so much. And no, that’s just me telling you my fears. It’s not Miley commentary time.”

“It’s always Miley commentary time,” she insisted as she put the dress back. “Look I’m only going to say this once. Maybe you’ve just misinterpreted this lesson of the great teacher life. Maybe the lesson was that everything you were doing was wrong until this point, until Joe.”

I sighed. “I really like him, Mile. I like him more than I’ve ever liked anyone before. But how much I need him – it’s not normal. It worries me. If something happens, I – I don’t know if I’ll survive. I – I can’t be alone again.”

She smiled sadly and came around to hug me. I let her arms engulf me and I was comforted slightly. After all, this was my best friend since I got to Hollywood. And we had finally moved past everything that had stood in the way of us just being friends. Kind of just like every obstacle moved out of the way for Joe and me. “Lain, if anything happens, even though I know it won’t, I will be here for you. You will never be alone, hun.”

“Thanks,” I smiled and sighed, pulling away and laughing. “Okay, let’s find us some dresses.”

“Hot, sexy dresses,” she grinned.

I knew she was probably right and I was being ridiculous. But my dad’s words echoed in my mind. I was afraid. And I prayed I was wrong.

---

“Wow.”

Lainey smiled when she opened the door and moved aside to let me in, looking me over. I smiled as I stroked a pose for her. She had texted me this morning and demanded I wear green to go with her purple dress. Apparently purple and green didn’t match but they looked good together. I didn’t mind. I didn’t care what I was wearing, as long as I got to spend time with her. As sappy as it was, I felt so happy. I was finally with the girl I had secretly been obsessing over for years. I was in love with an amazing person.

She of course looked beautiful. I leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Ready to go?”

“Almost,” she promised, grabbing her person. She turned around and raised her voice. “Flan, Joe’s here, we’re going.”

“Okay have fun,” came her reply from the kitchen.

“Okay now I’m ready.”

I smiled at her and then stepped aside to allow her to pass first, leading the way to my car. The car ride was quiet. With Lainey, silences weren’t uncomfortable, they just were there. They didn’t need to be filled with pointless words or sounds or even touching. We could just sit here content for hours and be fine. I didn’t reach over to even take her hand, keeping it on the hand rest just barely touching hers. I knew she wouldn’t want me to, that I’d make her uncomfortable, that she’d feel boxed in. I knew her well enough to know Jesse had probably done that to her, and I was definitely not going to make his mistakes.

We got to Kevin’s apartment, where Nick was having his party. The paparazzi surrounded us as we walked but we didn’t stop or respond. We were, after all, keeping us hidden. Demi, who stuck her tongue out at me and grinned when we got into the place, immediately pulled her away from me. I smiled as Lainey threw me an apologetic glance and made my way to grab some food.

“Hey Joe,” Miley said, coming up to me.

“Hey Miley,” I smiled at her before turning my attention back to the assortment of food. I grabbed a chip and put it in my mouth. Yum, Doritos.

“So um listen,” she said. I looked at her, waiting with a slight smile on my face. This should be interesting. “I just – wanted to tell you how glad I am you and Lainey finally got together.”

I grinned now. “Thanks, me too.”

“She’s just not been the same since her dad passed away. You know he passed away right after her first sold out concert, right?”

I shook my head, my eyes tightening. I knew he had passed away but I hadn’t known when. I also knew she would never want to talk about it, so I had never asked. Miley looked around and took my arm, dragging me to a corner.

“Yeah, he had an aneurysm erupt on his brain stem. I was with her when she got the call and I spent a week at the hospital with her. He was in a coma for a week before he hemorrhaged and they declared him brain dead. During that week, she spent every minute night and day next to him, holding his hand. When they declared him brain dead, she wouldn’t let go. They said it was too late to even consider his organs for a donor. So she sat in his room until the moment his heart stopped. She didn’t say a word until the monitor started beeping. And then she went crazy. She screamed at everyone, yelling for him. She hit anyone who came too close. She cried and sobbed. Joe, I was scared more than I had ever been in my life.”

It was hard to hear this, to hear how much pain Lainey had been in. But I had to keep listening. I had to know. I had to understand. “What happened then?”

“At the funeral, she became a statue. She didn’t cry. She didn’t scream. She didn’t break down. She said her bit about him and honestly, everyone in the graveyard but her was crying. You could tell how much she loved him. The next few months with her were hard. She listened to Daughters by John Mayer over and over again. She took off for a few months and then went back to work, better than ever. She worked harder than anyone I knew. I think she was trying to keep her mind busy. That’s what she always does. When it gets too hard for her, she works and works, keeping her mind off of anything remotely painful. But I don’t think to this day she’s ever really broken down again or coped.”

“Why are you telling me all this?” I couldn’t help asking. “Not that I don’t appreciate it. But why?”

She sighed and smiled sadly. “I want you to realize what you picked up, what you changed, and what you’re fixing.”

“I know she’s been through a lot, but I don’t think she’s any less of a person because of it,” I insisted.

“She’s amazing. But I’m just telling you why I’m so glad you’re with her, Joe. You make her happy.”

“She makes me happy.”

Miley smiled and leaned up to hug me, giving me a light kiss on my cheek. “Whatever your reasons for it, you’ve changed her. She’s finally the girl I became best friends with again. Thank you.”

I hugged her, smiling. I knew Lainey had definitely changed since I first met her. For one, she wasn’t as cynical anymore. But to hear it, to know someone else noticed the changes and to credit them to me, it was flattering. Though of course the truth was that this person was always there underneath everything and Lainey finally broke through. I said bye to Miley and went to go find the love of my life. Demi be damned, Lainey and I had a dance to join.

---

“Yeah well you better fix this,” Flannery’s voice broke through my door, waking me. Joe had dropped me off late after Nick’s party. It had been so amazing. I couldn’t remember the last time I had that much fun at a party. Of course it was all thanks to Joe. I sighed and got up, getting ready to murder Flannery. “I don’t care. This is ridiculous. I’m going to sue you. I’m going to make you fucking regret this! I don’t care if there’s freedom of the press. This is such lies!”

The press? That meant it had to do with me. I had been pretty good lately. What had they printed now? “Flan?” I said, going into her room.

She looked at me sadly. “Fix this. Now.” She hung up.

“What’s going on Flannery?”

She sighed and handed me the tabloid. I dropped it almost the moment it had touched my hands. I was frozen in spot, my face torn between a silent sob and an angry glare. On the cover of the tabloid was Joe and Miley. There were two pictures. One was of them hugging and the other of her kissing his cheek. The header read Miley leaves Nick for older, more experienced brother. And there came life to prove its lessons always right.