Secret
Chapter 4
-Chapter 4-
I never was one to cut myself. I had tried and tried times before but I never left the knife slice my skin. So I resorted to other ways of hurting myself. What I didn’t understand was how could I dig my nails into the flesh of my palms? I wouldn’t cut but I’d scratch. Sometimes if things got really bad I’d scratch or dig until I bled. Why did this make me so happy?
I got up and went to the mirror. My face was wet with tears that had smeared my makeup. “My God, you’re disgusting,” I said to myself. Sometimes I made myself want to throw up. I didn’t see what anyone saw in me. I opened my palms and looked down to them. Blood trickled from the open wounds in the shapes of crescent moons. Under my nails was half dried blood. “What are you gonna do with yourself?” I walked sluggishly to my room and laid in my bed hoping my dreams would embrace me this time.
But before I could get to sleep my cell rang, vibrating inside my pocket. “Who the hell is this?!” I opened it and saw that I didn’t recognize the number. Normally, I wouldn’t answer it but it may have been Ryan. “Hello,” I answered praying it was him.
“Hello, Jess?”
Yes. I was him. “This is her.”
“Hey, this is Ryan.”
“I know.”
“Oh…” There was a slight suspension. “About earlier. I’m sorry. It was spur of the moment, you know?”
“I understand. Look… I wasn’t angry at you. I was angry at myself.”
I could imagine the look on his face. “Why?”
“I don’t want you to think I’m a slut or any—“
“I would never think that.”
“Well, I just met you today.”
“We can’t help it if we just hit it off.”
“In all honesty, I don’t want to get hurt… Or hurt you”
“I promise that won’t happen.”
By this time I was crying again but I hoped he couldn’t tell. “Okay.” The rest of the conversation went by smoothly and was less tense. We hung up on good terms and right as we got off of the phone my brother and sister came busting through the door. “Perfect timing,” I mumbled to myself.
“JESS! WHERE ARE YOU?”
“I’M IN MY ROOM!” In walked two little siblings. My sister Jae was now in middle school. Today was her first day in 6th grade. As for my little brother, John, today was his first day in 4th grade.
“What the frickin’ crap is wrong with your face?!” John yelled.
I chuckled. Even though sometimes I wanted to strangle them, they knew how to make me laugh. “The question is… What is wrong with your face?” I grabbed him and tickle-tortured him.
Jae was always the more serious one out of us. She kept things, including John and I, under control for the most part. “No seriously, why is your makeup smeared?”
She probably knew something was wrong so I had to throw her off. As solemn as she was she also was gullible. I was trying to clean my makeup off but I ran out of the makeup-cleaner-off-er-stuff.”
“Oh, okay.”
“So how were your first days in school?”
“It sucked, just like I told you it would.” When we moved Jae couldn’t go to the middle school with all of her friends. John didn’t really have any and I stayed at my same school. Basically, she’s pissed about the whole moving situation.
“Well that’s nice. Johnny, what about you?”
“It was fun. There’s this hot girl named Andrea who I love.”
I laughed. John was quick to fall for someone. Every year he had about two… three… seventeen crushes. “I’m sure.”
“No, I’m serious. I want to marry her and have babies.”
“Great. But you need a ring and she has to meet mom.”
“Never mind then.”
Jae said, “Why haven’t you unpacked anything?”
“’Cause I was saving all of the work for you.” John and I laughed as she looked at us like we were complete and absolute fools. “No. But seriously, let’s get to work.”
“HONEY! I’M HOME!” My mom always yelled that when she stepped through the door unless she was having a pissy day. This was a perfect time to ask her about Saturday. The only problem is that she is the hardest person to read that you’d ever encounter in your entire life. She’ll go from sweet angel to bat from hell in a matter of seconds.
“Hi, Mommy!” Yes… I call my mom, Mommy. Especially when I want something. I’m a big baby. So what.
“What do you want?”
“Must you assume that every time I talk to you I want something?”
“Only when you call me Mommy.” She glared at me. I wasn’t sure if she was serious or joking.
I decided to take a shot at joking. “Aren’t you going to ask how my day has been?”
“I you would’ve given me a chance.”
“Well anyway…” I went on to explain my whole day in a censored manner. Meaning I didn’t mention that Ryan drove me home. In the end, I had pretty much talked her ear off.
“My God, you go 90 miles a minute, don’t you?”
“I get it from you.”
She sighed. “So this Ryan character… Who you just met today… He wants to take you on a date to a party that will probably exclude chaperones and I don’t even know him.”
“I wouldn’t call it a date. And when you put it like that it doesn’t sound good. Say it more like this.” I imitated her voice in a strict adult manner for the next part, “So this nice kid Ryan, who is nice AND cute, wants to take my nice daughter to a nice party with a lot of nice adults. Did I mention that he was nice?”
“I do not sound like that.”
“Whatever… Come on Mommy. Pleeeeease.”
“I have to meet him first.”
“He said he’ll pick me up.”
“I dunno,” she said hesitantly.
“Please Mommy. He’s a good guy. I promise that if you don’t like him I won’t go to the party with him.”
“Okay.” She poked out her lip like a little baby.
“Thank you, Mommy!”
I hugged her and she said, “You’re too old to be still calling me Mommy.”
“HA! You’re never too old to be a baby.”
I never was one to cut myself. I had tried and tried times before but I never left the knife slice my skin. So I resorted to other ways of hurting myself. What I didn’t understand was how could I dig my nails into the flesh of my palms? I wouldn’t cut but I’d scratch. Sometimes if things got really bad I’d scratch or dig until I bled. Why did this make me so happy?
I got up and went to the mirror. My face was wet with tears that had smeared my makeup. “My God, you’re disgusting,” I said to myself. Sometimes I made myself want to throw up. I didn’t see what anyone saw in me. I opened my palms and looked down to them. Blood trickled from the open wounds in the shapes of crescent moons. Under my nails was half dried blood. “What are you gonna do with yourself?” I walked sluggishly to my room and laid in my bed hoping my dreams would embrace me this time.
But before I could get to sleep my cell rang, vibrating inside my pocket. “Who the hell is this?!” I opened it and saw that I didn’t recognize the number. Normally, I wouldn’t answer it but it may have been Ryan. “Hello,” I answered praying it was him.
“Hello, Jess?”
Yes. I was him. “This is her.”
“Hey, this is Ryan.”
“I know.”
“Oh…” There was a slight suspension. “About earlier. I’m sorry. It was spur of the moment, you know?”
“I understand. Look… I wasn’t angry at you. I was angry at myself.”
I could imagine the look on his face. “Why?”
“I don’t want you to think I’m a slut or any—“
“I would never think that.”
“Well, I just met you today.”
“We can’t help it if we just hit it off.”
“In all honesty, I don’t want to get hurt… Or hurt you”
“I promise that won’t happen.”
By this time I was crying again but I hoped he couldn’t tell. “Okay.” The rest of the conversation went by smoothly and was less tense. We hung up on good terms and right as we got off of the phone my brother and sister came busting through the door. “Perfect timing,” I mumbled to myself.
“JESS! WHERE ARE YOU?”
“I’M IN MY ROOM!” In walked two little siblings. My sister Jae was now in middle school. Today was her first day in 6th grade. As for my little brother, John, today was his first day in 4th grade.
“What the frickin’ crap is wrong with your face?!” John yelled.
I chuckled. Even though sometimes I wanted to strangle them, they knew how to make me laugh. “The question is… What is wrong with your face?” I grabbed him and tickle-tortured him.
Jae was always the more serious one out of us. She kept things, including John and I, under control for the most part. “No seriously, why is your makeup smeared?”
She probably knew something was wrong so I had to throw her off. As solemn as she was she also was gullible. I was trying to clean my makeup off but I ran out of the makeup-cleaner-off-er-stuff.”
“Oh, okay.”
“So how were your first days in school?”
“It sucked, just like I told you it would.” When we moved Jae couldn’t go to the middle school with all of her friends. John didn’t really have any and I stayed at my same school. Basically, she’s pissed about the whole moving situation.
“Well that’s nice. Johnny, what about you?”
“It was fun. There’s this hot girl named Andrea who I love.”
I laughed. John was quick to fall for someone. Every year he had about two… three… seventeen crushes. “I’m sure.”
“No, I’m serious. I want to marry her and have babies.”
“Great. But you need a ring and she has to meet mom.”
“Never mind then.”
Jae said, “Why haven’t you unpacked anything?”
“’Cause I was saving all of the work for you.” John and I laughed as she looked at us like we were complete and absolute fools. “No. But seriously, let’s get to work.”
“HONEY! I’M HOME!” My mom always yelled that when she stepped through the door unless she was having a pissy day. This was a perfect time to ask her about Saturday. The only problem is that she is the hardest person to read that you’d ever encounter in your entire life. She’ll go from sweet angel to bat from hell in a matter of seconds.
“Hi, Mommy!” Yes… I call my mom, Mommy. Especially when I want something. I’m a big baby. So what.
“What do you want?”
“Must you assume that every time I talk to you I want something?”
“Only when you call me Mommy.” She glared at me. I wasn’t sure if she was serious or joking.
I decided to take a shot at joking. “Aren’t you going to ask how my day has been?”
“I you would’ve given me a chance.”
“Well anyway…” I went on to explain my whole day in a censored manner. Meaning I didn’t mention that Ryan drove me home. In the end, I had pretty much talked her ear off.
“My God, you go 90 miles a minute, don’t you?”
“I get it from you.”
She sighed. “So this Ryan character… Who you just met today… He wants to take you on a date to a party that will probably exclude chaperones and I don’t even know him.”
“I wouldn’t call it a date. And when you put it like that it doesn’t sound good. Say it more like this.” I imitated her voice in a strict adult manner for the next part, “So this nice kid Ryan, who is nice AND cute, wants to take my nice daughter to a nice party with a lot of nice adults. Did I mention that he was nice?”
“I do not sound like that.”
“Whatever… Come on Mommy. Pleeeeease.”
“I have to meet him first.”
“He said he’ll pick me up.”
“I dunno,” she said hesitantly.
“Please Mommy. He’s a good guy. I promise that if you don’t like him I won’t go to the party with him.”
“Okay.” She poked out her lip like a little baby.
“Thank you, Mommy!”
I hugged her and she said, “You’re too old to be still calling me Mommy.”
“HA! You’re never too old to be a baby.”