Consciousness and Confidence

I walked back into the party forty-five minutes later a hot mess.

My hair was disheveled (despite how many times I ran my fingers through it), I was a tad bit sweaty from the humidity outside and the activities I was partaking in, and my lips were raw and I'm assuming bright red from making out with Brian.

We had parted ways after he mentioned that I'd been gone a long time and Jimmy was probably looking for me. I agreed, remembering that I had promised to be back within two minutes. But, when I stood up to go back inside, Brian did not follow. Instead, he reminded me that he wasn't supposed to be at the party in the first place, and none of the guys were suppose to know he was there. So, here I am alone.

I peered around at people as I made my way back towards the living room couch that I had left my friends at almost an hour ago. Some girls noticed my sloppy look and just stared without emotion while any guy that caught my gaze gave me a smirk like they knew what I had just done. To tell the truth, it made me feel a bit sick. I wasn’t nor would I ever be a slut and in their mind, that’s probably what they pegged me as.

I just tried my hardest to act as if there was nothing wrong with my appearance and continued to walk back to the couch. The boys were still there; I could see Johnny’s multi-colored hair.

”Hi, guys.” I greeted, sitting down across from the both of them. They glanced over me with slanted eyes.

”What happened to you?” Jimmy asked, moving to sit in the empty space next to me.

I was hesitant to reply. Maybe I underestimated the severity of my appearance. “W-what do you mean? Nothing happened to me. I just ran into some friends from school and the conversation got carried away with time.” I replied, coming up with a lie on the spot.

”Nu-uh!” Johnny scoffed, taking a swig of his beer. “Don’t believe her Jimmy. She’s got-“ he paused to let out a small hiccup, spilling some beer from his red plastic cup. “-got hook up written all over her.” He gestured dramatically in a circular motion, spilling the rest of his beer in the process. “Awh, I spilt it. I’ll go get more.”

”No more for you, Johnny. You’re staying put.” Jimmy commanded at a sour-faced Johnny, who surprisingly obeyed. “And as for you, little missy. We need to go off and find your brother.”

My eyes widened at the same time my mouth fell open. “My brother? He’s not even here!”

”Oh, he’s here alright. Just came in with that girl he went out with about twenty minutes ago.” Jimmy explained, sitting back in the couch. “He asked where you were, and I told him you had gone off to get some more soda and had yet to return. After about ten minutes, he went looking for you.” Jimmy’s smile was bright and cocky. “But, I guess we know what you were really doing then.” He added, trying to get a rise out of me. And boy, did it work.

”I told you what I was doing!” I defended. “You’re not going to believe the man that can even sit without wobbling all over, are you?” Both of our gazes landed on Johnny who was indeed swaying a bit in his seat, smiling like a child at the two of us.

Jimmy just laughed and shook his head at me. “Johnny may be drunk but, he’s not stupid.” I gave him an incredulous look. “Alright, so he can be stupid at times. But, he is right when he says you look like you’ve just come out of a very heated hook up.”

”Oh, God.” I mumbled, placing my head in my hands. I shook it back and forth, praying there was some way for this whole situation to be over. My brother was here looking for me, and had possibly caught me making out with Brian without my knowledge. And even if he didn’t know, he probably could tell when he found me again. For heaven’s sake Johnny could tell! “This isn’t happening.”

”So, was it t-shirt boy?” Jimmy questioned, nudging my shoulder. I could hear the glee in his voice. “Were you seduced by his stoner looks, with that hot surfer body? Or was it his generosity? Did he offer you another one of his shirts?” Jimmy kept nudging my shoulder with his elbow the entire time, trying as hard as he could to keep his teasing from turning into exploding laughter.

I shoved him back, right in the gut. He let out a small ‘oof’ noise. “Shut up, Jimmy. He’s not a pot head and I didn’t make out with him!” I sighed dramatically as Jimmy just began to laugh. Johnny from the other side started chuckling too.

”You made out with t-shirt boy!” Johnny shouted, pointing a finger at me. He obtained a few curious looks from people around us. Their gaze followed his fingers and landed on me. Some ignored it while others began whispering to each other. My face turned beet red. Didn't anyone have their own lives to focus on anymore?

”My baby sister made out with who?” a voice growled from behind me and I knew the situation just got a whole lot worse.

”No one!” I defended, turning around to face my brother. He looked slightly miffed but, as he glanced over my face it grew much angrier. Quickly, I turned back around so we couldn’t make eye contact with each other. But, my brother, of course, just pulled me back in his direction.

”Like you can lie to me when you look like that!” he gestured to my face. I scowled at him.

”Oh, for heaven’s sake. I was just outside on the porch talking to some friends!” I defended, trying my best to sound convincing. I gave my brother the biggest glare I could muster.

By the good grace of who knows what, Matt dropped it with a final grunt. Only then did I notice that his hand was attached to another, which was connected to an arm, which ultimately led to a new face I hadn’t seen before. She was a petite blonde, with vibrant hazel eyes. I glanced her over once, then twice before smiling up at her.

”You must be the girl my brother has been buying ice cream from as an excuse to talk to you. Hi, I’m Ryyan!” She laughed and stuck her hand out to shake mine. I placed mine in her's.

”I’m Val.”

Our hands were forced away from each other before we could even let go. Matt had tugged her away and around the couch to sit opposite of Jimmy and I, right next to the now belching Johnny. Val didn't seem quite as pleased to meet him.

Matt looked at Jimmy and then at me. “Where’s Zacky?” he asked.

We both shrugged. “Maybe he’s with Brian.” I suggested, feeling the need to help Brian’s alibi some more in front of my brother.

Jimmy, however, shook his head. “No way. Brian has spent the past few days down at that new coffee shop, hitting on the cashier. He said something about asking her out tonight. Zacky wouldn’t follow along just to watch them make out.” Color drained from my face as my heart sunk into my stomach. I tried the best I could to seem disinterested and just shrug. I don’t think it worked very well but, no one else really seemed to notice.

Conversation continued around me, but all I heard was a dim droning noise. Brian’s been hitting on some girl at a coffee shop all week? He was going to ask her out tonight? But, why was he with me instead of her then? I racked my brain for a good reason, any reason to deny the growing feeling that I had just been used.

My body internally shook with rage as I came up with only one conclusion. She’d turned him down. The coffee girl didn’t want him, so he came to me, seeing how vulnerable I was to being messed with. What a fucking asshole.

I’m going to kill him. Kill him and then cut him into little pieces. Shove him in a bag and-

I was ripped away from my thoughts as Jimmy shouted, “Zacky, my man! Where have you been?” over the music. Zacky’s eyes found us on the couch. As he began walking towards us, he focused on me with a very large smirk plastered to his face. What was he on about?

”Hey.” Zacky greeted, sitting down beside Jimmy. He didn’t even bother to introduce himself to Val, just giving her a once over. “Sorry it took so long for me to get here. I got held up by a few things.” As he said this, he looked back over at me. I narrowed my eyes in confusion. Zacky never once gave me this much attention in one sitting.

”What do you mean?” Matt asked, while he draped his arm around Val and pulled her closer to him.

”Well, first off I got here late as it was.” Zacky began, looking around the group. “Then when I was walking up the front lawn, I saw the girl I kind of ditched during a date a few days ago and I honestly didn’t want to talk to her. So, I slid by to the side of the house, trying to get in through the back.”

If it was at all possible, I grew even paler. I had a feeling I knew where this story was going.

”So, as I was walking around this house, some drunk girl just came up to me and wrapped her arms around me. I didn’t pull her off, because well, she was easy on the eyes.” I internally rolled my eyes at what a pig he was. “We were making out for a bit, and then she ended up puking her guts out right next to my shoes, so I got pissed and left. I was going to walk in but, you’ll never guess who I saw making out on the porch.” His tone of voice was cocky as his eyes met with mine. I gave him one pleading look, hoping something in him wouldn’t give me away.

”Oh!” Johnny yelled, raising his arm. “Let me guess! It was Ryyan and t-shirt boy, right?!”

My heart was beating a million miles a minute as I kept giving Zacky small glances begging him not to say anything. Everyone was looking at him with anticipation. “No, short shit.” He finally said, in an arrogant tone. “It was Ryyan’s best friend was out there making out with t-shirt boy, not her."

My body was internally praising Zacky as its new god. He shot me a 'you owe me' look and I nodded as a reply.

I heaved a very deep sigh of relief. I did not need the torture of everyone questioning and hacking me about making out with Brian. Especially now, that I found out I’d just been used like a play thing. A familiar wave of anger washed over me, replacing my momentary panic attack. Brian had wooed me. He messed with my head until I began to trust him, for weeks now! All for what? So he could tell everyone that I had fallen into his trap just like a million other girls.

I have never hated Brian Haner Jr. more in my entire life than at this moment.