Consciousness and Confidence

“Ryyan?” he spoke quietly, getting off my bed and coming towards me. “Do you feel okay? I heard you in the bathroom. Do you have a fev-“

”Get out.” I hissed, cutting him off from whatever he was going to say. I pointed towards my door with one hand while my other was clutched to my temple, the feeling of blood pumping through my body. He wasn’t honestly here right now, after everything I had just heard. He wasn’t trying to act caring and nice. He didn’t like me. Brian didn’t like me.

He stepped back quickly, giving me a confusing glance. “What? I don’t understand.” he said, “What’s wrong?” As soon as he said this, he moved just as close as he was before, if not closer. I backed up and put my hands in front of myself, signaling for him to stop.

”I cannot believe you are here right now.” I said, shaking my head. “What gave you the right to come here?”

He opened his mouth, gaping in shock at my reaction to him being situated in my room. Obviously, my reaction was not the one he was looking for. “I just thought that after before- after earlier tonight…” he trailed off at the end, rubbing his hand behind his neck awkwardly.

I huffed, ready to expel all of my frustrations on him. “Yeah, well, I don’t know why you’d even consider it in the first place. I was just another notch in your belt-buckle, right? I’m not any different from every other girl that’s swooned to your charm. Oh but, wait. I am extra special because now you can say you got the one girl who has hated you for years, your best friend’s little sister, to finally succumb to you.” I was flaring with rage by the time I closed my mouth. I was trying so hard to keep my voice down so that my mom wouldn’t wake in the next room but, god damnit, my emotions were getting the best of me.

Brian just stood before me with an incredulous look. “Is that what you think of me? Do you honestly believe that the way I acted towards you tonight was fake, that I don’t actually care about you?” I nodded my head viciously, but apparently the question was meant to be rhetorical. “Then why am I standing here?” he questioned again, his voice growing slightly louder. “Why the hell did I crawl through your window when I could have been off scoring at that party? Why did I sit here for at least two hours for you to come home? Why do I care so much that you were just sick in the bathroom? Do you honestly believe the shit that you just spewed at me?”

I squeezed my eyes tightly, running my hands over my face. Honestly, I was just confused. My emotions were contradicted themselves in my mind, and I felt as though I could vomit again at any second. Brian said one thing but, his friends told me the opposite. I know I shouldn’t listen to what others say, especially if that someone is Zacky but, what about Jimmy? He obviously wasn’t saying those things about Brian and the girl at the coffee shop just to torture me. He was just stating what he knew.

”Will you answer me one question?” I whispered, opening my eyes to look at a still agitated Brian. His eyes narrowed a bit but, he nodded none the less. “Who’s the girl at the coffee shop?”

The minute my words sunk into Brian’s brain a relieved smile graced his features. As he opened his mouth to speak, his feet shuffled towards me, his arms opening wide to embrace me. “Is that what this is about?” he questioned, in a laughing tone.

I let out a squeaky ‘yes’ as his body came in contact with mine. Damn my defensive walls for breaking now.

”You know, sometimes people just like some peace and quiet away from their friends.” He explained, still grasping onto me tightly. “There’s no coffee girl, Ryyan. I used her as an excuse so the guys would get off my back for a little while. I can’t believe you got yourself worked up over that.”

I gave his body a short nudge with my hands, letting him know I wanted him to let go. His arms felt good wrapped around mine, but I wasn’t quite finished being upset with him yet. “Of course I got myself upset over that. I felt naive and used, Brian. We haven’t exactly had the best relationship in the past. What was I suppose to think?” I pulled my face up to look into his eyes. They were twinkling beautifully and it took all the strength in my knees not to give out. Damnit, again.

”You’re suppose to think that I’m not who you use to know me as, anymore. I’m not going to use you, Ryyan. I promise.” As if to solidify this, he raised his right arm up and then placed it over his chest, directly above his heart. I didn’t quite know how to respond to him, so instead, I just let an embarrassed smile creep over my cheeks. He took this as the end to our argument and slowly leaned his head down to place one sweet kiss upon my lips.

As we broke away, his eyebrows furrowed with a new thought. “Why didn’t Matt come to help you after you got sick?”

I shrugged, playing off his question as nothing. “Because Matt didn’t bring me home.”

His confused expression didn’t vanish, not that I expected it to. By now, he had pulled back to see my face completely, our arms still attached to each other. “Then who did?” His arms dropped from my sides back to his. “Obviously not Jay.”

”Zacky did.” I grumbled, remembering the awful car ride home. Thinking about it brought back quite a few not-so-comforting thoughts to my head, and I pulled away completely from Brian, choosing instead to go and sit on my bed. “Which reminds me, Zacky knows about us.” I droned, showing my excitement over the information.

Brian, going for the opposite reaction than me, flipped the hell out. “What!? How? Did you tell him!?”

I laughed at the look on his face, knowing full well that I had already gone through the same emotions he was now. I guess it’s funny when it’s not happening to you. “No, I didn’t tell him. He walked into the party through the back door. We weren’t exactly hiding.” I frowned, leaning back against my pillows.

As I lazily closed my eyes from exhaustion, I heard Brian move closer to where I was and then felt the bed tipping from his added weight. “What happened?” he asked, as his fingers brushed against my cheek.

I didn’t flinch away but, it still felt weird for Brian to be acting like this towards me. I mean, the two of us had spent so long hating each other that these kinds of things were so strange to me. I was coming to grips with my new emotions for him while attempting to tackle the butterflies that emitted through my stomach as his skin touched mine. He was lulling me into sleep whether or not he knew it.

”He didn’t tell anyone else. He just made me feel like a whore about it on the drive home.” I mumbled, fully content with falling asleep and forgetting all about Zack Baker.

His fingers continued on sweeping through my hair as I fell ever closer to sleep. I could feel a small smile tugging on my lips as I did. “Zacky can be such an asshole.” He muttered, close to my ear.

”Mhmm” I mumbled, not having enough energy to open my mouth to speak anymore. Before I knew it, I was fast asleep, Brian still running his fingers through my hair beside me.

What a night.