Consciousness and Confidence

“This movie sucks. Turn it off” Brian complained, while rubbing his face in annoyance.

The two of us had been laying on my bed in my room watching Encino Man for the past hour. After pulling ourselves away from each other earlier, I suggested watching a movie because I honestly didn’t know what else to do with Brian.

I mean, we could talk but, I wasn’t sure what to even talk about. Anything casual probably would have been fine, but he seemed cool with television. Somehow I had managed to stumble upon this gem of film and decided to put it on.

Obviously, Brian didn’t enjoy the movie as much as I did. “Shut up.” I commanded, nudging his stomach with my elbow. He rubbed the spot where I hit him while I chuckled. There was the familiar frown I had come to know and lov- ahh like.

I squeezed my eyes tight, trying to wipe my brain from what I had just thought. It is too soon to use that word around Brian. Extremely too soon. I could feel my breath hitched in my throat and shakily let it out , trying not to let Brian notice. He didn’t, seeing as how he was too busy ranting about the movie.

”-and I don’t even see why using a household heater would defrost a caveman that’s been frozen for thousands of years. I mean, I would ignore all this unrealistic shit if everything about it wasn’t so god damn awful.” He dropped his hand that he had been gesturing at the screen. I gave him a cantankerous look.

”Are you done yet?” I questioned, in a thick, sarcastic voice.

”Yes, I am, thank- OW!” Brian yelled out, being cut off from his sentence by my shoving him off the bed, hard. “What was that for?” he pouted, looking up from the ground at me. I giggled at the sight of him. His hair was mildly disheveled, and his expression tried to look as innocent as possible, which was simply hilarious coming from Brian.

”Maybe next time you shouldn’t be such a critic.” I retorted, stretching out my hand to offer help. I should have seen it coming from the smirk set on his face before he seized my hand and pulled me down on top of him. I landed with a loud thud.

”Maybe next time you shouldn’t fall so easily.” He mocked, with the smirk still on his lips. I frowned and stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed, moving his hands around my waist and pulled me closer. As I looked up at him with a small smile, I could see his smirk fade into a real smile. I liked that I had that ability.

Neither of us really said anything for a few moments. Instead, we just stared at each other. It would have been kind of creepy if I couldn’t tell that his mind was somewhere else, obviously somewhere good or else his smile would have dropped.

After a few moments, my curiosity grew. As I opened my mouth to ask him what he was thinking about, I was cut off by a door slamming.

“Ryyan!” I heard my brother’s resounding voice echo up the stairs. My eyes went wide and so did Brian’s as we both scrambled to get off of the floor. I could hear the light thump of his feet walking up the stairs.

”Where do I go?” he questioned in a hurried, hushed voice. I shot my eyes around the room, looking for a place where Brian would fit, undetected. They soon fell upon the closet. Instead of telling him, I just pushed him towards it, shutting it closed behind his back.

”Just a few seconds.” I whispered, knowing Matt wouldn’t linger in my room. “I’m sorry.” I felt bad that I had to shove him in there like that, that I couldn’t be normal and open about him as I would with any other boy. I didn’t hear his response, instead, running over to my bed and flopping down right before the door opened. I glanced over and saw the TV still on, thank god.

”Hey, Ry. You’re still up.” He greeted, pushing the door open fully. Only then did I glance at the clock and realize it was one in the morning. God, time really flew by.

”Yep, Encino Man is on and I wanted to watch it.” I explained, not completely lying to him. I had, at one point, really wanted to watch it.

His face contorted into a disgruntled expression. “Ryyan that movie sucks balls.” I rolled my eyes. God, was everyone a freaking critic? Did no one comprehend the amazing acting skills Pauly Shore possessed?

”It is not.” I muttered, looking down at my comforter. He didn’t say anything for a second, but it felt like an eternity. Matt really needed to leave now; my heart was still pounding irregularly from nervousness that he would somehow stumble upon Brian.

”Okay, well, I’m going to bed. Goodnight, Ry.” He said, standing still in the door for a second, as if debating whether or not to give me a hug or something, before just awkwardly leaving and shutting the door behind him. The minute the click of the doorknob sounded, I let out a deep sigh. That was bad.

I quickly got out of my bed and made my way to the closet being conscious that I had to stay quiet. As I opened the door and let light stream into the closet, I saw Brian sitting at the bottom, on top of a pile of shoes, with one of my dresses falling over part of his face. I giggled at the sight. “I wish I had a camera.” I said softly, offering my hand once again but, retracting it as he reached up to grab it. “You’re not going to pull me again, are you?” I gave him a speculating glance.

He merely chuckled and stood up without my help. “I’m not stupid enough to do that with someone home just a few bedrooms down, especially if that someone is Matt.”

I nodded in understanding before a question popped into my mind. “Brian, do you know why Matt is so against one of you guys liking me? You all have made it really clear through your actions that he has a big problem with it. I just don't understand why though.”

Brian responded by giving me a sheepish glance before rubbing the back of his neck with his palm. “Uhm, yeah I do, actually.” I just stared at him waiting for him to continue. “Well, do you remember how you went away this summer?”

I nodded at him like he was stupid. “Of course I do.”

He sighed. “Okay, well do you remember that party before you left? The one where you got in a fight with me?” I nodded again. How could I forget that? Brian had made a deal with me to ignore me for the rest of existence, not that it lasted, obviously. “Well, I guess you might have, sort of, maybe got my attention when you were dancing with me. I don’t know but, it had me thinking about you and it was strange and I didn’t really know what to make of it. Well, I guess one night when I was drinking a lot with the guys, I let my thoughts slip in front of Matt and Jimmy.”

He seemed pretty embarrassed to admit it, despite me not having a clue as to why. I was surprised to hear what he was telling me, as well as flattered, but, it still didn’t answer my question. “But, why would Matt care so much?”

At my question, his eyes glazed over with a kind of uncomfortable amusement. “I’m not the most romantic man when I’m drunk, Ry. Nor are my words very refined.” He let out a shaky laugh at the end, giving me an ‘oops?’ kind of look.

I hit his chest, a smirk growing on my face in amusement. “Oh my god!” I whisper-yelled. “You said dirty things about me to my brother!? Are you stupid?”

He nodded his head enthusiastically. “Obviously, I’m a fucking idiot! I’ve been working to get back on his good side since then. He still doesn’t trust me around you though.”

I shook my head at him, not able to fully comprehend what he was saying out of sheer stupidity. Matt’s protectiveness might appear a little more justifiable now that I know where it’s coming from. But, the story behind it is what kept my thoughts occupied. Brian started liking me after that night? I basically told him to go to hell. Did he have emotional dyslexia?

”I should probably go home before someone else comes home.” Brian whispered, breaking my train of thought. I looked up at him with a sad smile, knowing he was going to leave me without a clue as to when the next time I would get to spend time was.

I walked with him over to the window that was still opened by a crack. As a breeze blew in, I realized how much the temperature had dropped in the past few hours. He pushed it all the way open before turning around to give me one more smile. I returned it.

”Goodnight, Brian.” I whispered, closing my eyes and leaning up on my tip-toes to press my lips to his. It lingered for a second, a little shorter than what I would have liked, as he pulled his lips far enough away so that they were barely touching.

”Night, Ryyan.” I heard him faintly say, his breath falling over my lips. And then, when I opened my eyes again, I was alone in my room.