Consciousness and Confidence

I waited up for hours that night. I spent dinner time up in my room actually doing some homework for school, not bothering to attempt to socialize with my brother and mother. I managed to keep my ass firmly put on my comforter, a slew of books surrounding me, some read, others ignored.

Although I was working, I still was aware of the time, the darkening sky, and the lack of appearance by Brian. But, I tried to ignore the awareness, because frankly I had begun to worry that I was putting too much focus on him. I had been thinking about him before he ever kissed me, and now that we had this thing, I thought about him even more. I do have a life besides Brian, and I was determined to focus my mind on that for a bit rather than the boy that was slowly taking over my every thought.

However, as the Calculus got increasingly more difficult and the clock grew later and later, I found my attention wandering back to Brian yet again. He wasn’t here, and I didn’t know when, if at all, he was planning on showing up. It was just a random Tuesday night. He probably had plans with Jimmy, plans to go out and party or something of a crazy nature.

Maybe, he drunkenly forgot about me. That thought alone was enough to put me off from doing my work entirely. Fuck it, I’m a senior, I don’t need to do shit anymore. I casually chucked the heavy, new math book at the back of my door. It hit it with a loud thump.

”Try not to get too excited in there, Ryyan.” I heard my brother’s sarcastic voice float through the walls. I just shook my head at him.

A second later I let my eyes drift over to the clock on my nightstand. 11:34pm it blinked at me. I slowly started to convince myself that he probably wasn’t going to show. And even if he did, I wouldn’t get to have the meaningful conversation with him that I wanted.

I stood up from the position I had been sitting in for the past three hours. I cracked my back slowly before marching over to the light switch and flicking it off, slipping out of my jean shorts, and tucking myself under my bed sheets.

Slightly disappointed, I managed to drift asleep.

I was awoken later, completely unaware of my surroundings in the darkness, when I felt the bed dip next to me. I was frightened for a second before I heard a quiet hushing and stroking of a hand on my arm. I knew who it was, who it could only be, Brian.

”I didn’t mean to wake you.” Brian whispered, continuing his motions on my shoulder. “I thought I could slip in without you noticing.”

I turned my head towards him, not moving my body all the way because I liked the way his skin felt on mine. It was colder than my own, and comforting in a strange way. I could slightly make out his facial features in the dark, most notably his eyes that managed to shimmer even without light.

God, I was a sap for him already.

”It’s okay. I’m not a very heavy sleeper.” I smiled, taking in his expression for a few seconds before adding “I’m glad you came.”

He smiled back, chuckling a little bit before leaning over and giving me a quick peck on the lips that I wished wasn’t so short. “I’m sorry it’s so late, though. I was just with Jimmy and Zacky and I guess our conversation just got carried away.” As he spoke, I could smell a small hint of alcohol on his breath, making it a bit obvious how he could get distracted so easily.

I quickly turned my body around and scooted close to his so I could wrap myself in his arms. I inhaled his scent for a second, wishing I could stay like this with him all night, just the two of us together. But, we can’t. He can’t stay with me, he can’t be with me because it’s strange and new, and will probably upset my brother.

”This is stupid.” I mumbled, unable to keep my sour outlook on our relationship to myself.

”Well I was actually enjoying this…” Brian trailed off, obviously misunderstanding what I was talking about. It made me let out a short, emotionless laugh.

I shook my head into his chest before looking at him in the eye. “Not this right now. I’m more than content. I just mean, in general, with us being in our, I-I-I mean” I stuttered out, not being able to bring myself to officially call the thing between us an actual relationship to his face. I wasn’t even sure if that’s what he wanted.

I could feel my face getting hotter, and out of embarrassment, I broke my gaze with Brian. I tried to give myself a second to regroup and come up with another way to try to explain what I was thinking while avoiding touchy words. But, Brian seemed to have something to say before I could get anything else out.

”Hey, look at me.” He said, and I forced my eyes to meet his again. “I know what you’re talking about and I get what you’re trying to get around. I wanted to talk to you about this soon, and after today, I think I should now.” He paused, and I didn’t say a word, silently begging him to go on.

” I want to be with you; you know that. I show you that I like you and you’ve shown me. And today, when JayJay was talking about you guys going to the beach and those boy that were hitting on you,” I could feel his muscles around me get the tiniest bit tighter, a small flicker of anger flashing in his eyes at the same time. “I don’t want that to happen anymore. I want you to be mine and I want to be yours, okay? I want you to be able to say you’re taken by me and send those boys packing in a heartbeat. I don’t want you get swept up with another guy from school, or from the beach, or wherever the hell else you go. I want you to be my-“

”girlfriend” I whispered, barely believing that these words were actually coming out of Brian Haner’s mouth. He wanted me. He wanted me to be all his and no one else’s. The boy that used to bug the shit out of me, fight with me, and all the while remain a complete mystery wanted to be committed to me.

And, more than anything else, I wanted it as well. Happiness I never could have imagined swept over me, and I practically jumped on top of him. I must have caught him by surprise, because he let out a small ‘oof’ as I did.

He opened his mouth to say something more, but I pinched his lips with my fingers, sending the biggest grin down at him. He smirked widely back up at me, my hair failing around his face as I slowly leaned down and pressed my lips to his, hard.

I kissed him slow and passionately, trying to show my response without words. Brian didn’t hesitate to return the kiss with just as much fire as me. I moved my hands over his arms, his chest, up his neck and through his hair, enjoying the feeling of being the one in control for the first time.

Brian was soon leaning up as much as he could without actually sitting up, and began to attach his lips to all the skin he could find. As he kissed my neck I couldn’t help but feel as if I was giving into everything that was right. I was supposed to be here, with him, like this and I didn’t give a flying fuck what anyone else thought of it.

When Brian’s lips detached from my skin and a cold draft blew over my body, I looked down at him, pouting at his stopping. He just laughed at my expression.

”I’m taking that as a yes, then.” He said, looking up at me with that cocky smirk playing on his lips.

Getting impatient with the fact that he was not kissing me and instead talking, I leaned down and pecked his lips, trying to wipe the smirk away. He shut his eyes, and I slowly trailed kisses along his jaw line, managing to words to escape past my lips. “I didn’t believe I ever heard a question in the first place. I guess it would be a yes, if there was a question.” I smiled, still pecking him, but picking my eyes up to see what he was thinking.

Brian eyes shimmered as he laughed and pulled me away from him, once again. I scowled as he smiled. “Ryyan” he started sweetly, but I continued to frown. “Baby, if we’re together now, I think you should know something.” Before I had a second to let his voice echo in my ears, I was flipped over, laying flat on the bed with Brian’s arms twined around my body. “I don’t do the bottom.”

I shook my head, failing at holding back the smile that was trying to creep up on my face.

“Shut up, you ass.” And with that, I pulled his face back down to mine, ignoring all the doubts, problems, and drama that were sure to follow this night.