Killing Joy

I never heard about Caleb again since that day. He never phoned me or bothered to text me. He’s like really disappeared from my life. But my mom still often talked about him. She always said that Teresa had been missing me and glad to check the baby, but she’s just didn’t have much time to get to Baltimore.

I had told Zack that I couldn’t split up with Caleb until the baby came to the world, and he gladly accepted that. He said he’d be patient enough. And you know what? He even asked about if I could marry him someday! I was so excited. He said he loved me really much.

Five months later

My stomach had just gotten bigger and bigger. Caleb was really out from my life, he never did anything care to me anymore. Somehow, I didn’t know why I missed him. But like he said, and I said… he wanted to get me happiness. And yes, he did that. He chose to off from my world like I wished.

But for some reasons, I felt sick. I didn’t want to be like this. I still wanted to meet him, interacting with him, arguing with him, or even laughing with him. I missed him so much. I missed the way his ginger hair was blown when the wind came through. I missed running my fingers through his beautiful hair. I missed the way he looked at me. I missed when he said that he loved my giggles. I missed his scent and everything about him.

Why did I turn like this? Did I start to fall for him, or what? But I had Zack next to me, the guy I’d ever been in love with so deep. Zack was the one who always kept me a company to the doctor’s appointment. I was glad that finally the doctor could recognize the sex of the baby. It was a boy, so I needed to find a right name for him.

The doctor always mistook Zack as my husband, but well I didn’t mind though. He’s a gentleman, he always there when I needed him, he always supported me with the baby and everything. Like he said, he even didn’t mind at all to be my baby’s dad. He would so accept the kid.

But sometimes, he’s jerk. Well not kind of that jerks way. I never like to be tickled when I was pregnant. My stomach’s hurt and so heavy so I couldn’t handle any ticklish part.
Mostly, Zack Merrick was the one I always waited for a boyfriend.

But he’s poles apart from Caleb. He’s totally different. Sometimes I regretted my wish to have Caleb gone away. I wanted to meet him again.

XXX

It was just another random day. I went shopping with my mom to buy some baby’s clothes remembering I had reached my seventh month pregnant. And I was surely so huge, well I wasn’t fatty but my ass, my stomach and my breast just got bigger and bigger. I felt like a big momma.

My mom was browsing through the maternity pants while I was in the baby’s shoes section. The mini shoes were so cute, I pictured myself teaching my boy to walk with his tiny feet. I felt like a mom already. But, was I going to be a great mom for him. I was only nineteen, and I had no experience on babysitting any babies or taking care of them.

“Baby, do you like denim dress? it’d look fit with you” my mom suddenly popped my mind and showed me a nice denim dress for pregnant woman. I slowly nodded to her and she put the dress into the shopping bag. She looked at me and the shoes I’d been holding as she curved a smile.

“Shoes would be lovely for the Caleb junior, baby” my mom chuckled and took the tiny blue shoes on my hand putting them into the shopping bag.

My mom also bought other maternity pants for me, baby’s equipments, and some baby’s clothes. The clothes were lovely and cute. Soon, I’d dress up my baby so he’d look very cute.

Once my mom had purchased everything, we walked out from the store to some restaurant. We were having a lunch there and I invited Zack.

My mom never knew about our relationship, she wouldn’t be pleased if she found out. All she knew was, Zack was my bestfriend and she thanked him for keeping me company in my every doctor’s appointment.

Zack hadn’t reached the restaurant, so it’s just me and my mom who were there. I sat next to my mom and we ordered out meal. My mom let out the baby’s shoes and we talked about the shoes. I rubbed the shoes lovingly while I felt my mom’s hand was on my big belly.

I faced her and wanted to tell her. But I ended up crying.

“Nickins, what happened to you, dear?” she said tensely and giving me the softest stroke on my head. I couldn’t help but slumped down on her shoulder.

“I hated the baby, mom. I didn’t want him, I feel like a bad mommy for him” I admitted

“What are you talking about, Nicky? You don’t want him?”

I shook my head, “Used to. It’s because I hated his dad and then automatically I hated the baby as well. But I don’t. I love my baby at most now. I just feel bad for hating him in the first place”

“Baby… shh.. don’t cry no more. At least now you love the kid, right? He’d be so happy having you as his mom, baby”

“Yes, mommy. I love him so much. I really want to meet him and hug him and kiss him and anything to do with him. I love him” I responded while my mom wiped my tears away from my cheek.

“Uhm, Mrs. Barakat? Nicky?” someone called out and there stood Zack with his Hurley hoodie was staring at me with anxiety.

“Oh, Zack,.. have a seat, dear” my mom motioned the seat in front of us. I got up from my seat and chose to have a seat next to him. I grinned to him but he showed his sad face.

“Why were you crying, Nicky?” he asked softly and kissed my temple

“It’s nothing. Don’t do that in front of my mom, Z” I said to him in low whisper so my mom might not hear us. Zack chuckled at me and like his usual ritual, everytime he met me. he’d be kissing my stomach and was like “How’s the tiger doing?”

I found it cute, Zack was really nice to me and my baby. He loved my baby too and he deserved to be his daddy.

“The tiger is perfectly fine, uncle Zackie” I mouthed my baby tone to him and Zack chuckled as he kissed my cheek. I was going to call Zack as “daddy Zackie” but since my mom was there and she’s watching so yeah. My mom smiled ear to ear watching our togetherness.

“You both look fine and are like husband and wife, guys” my mom said and it was totally unexpected. I couldn’t hold back my urge to be looked so nervous in front of her. I was scared if she’d find out about my secret relationship with Zack. I was scared she’d separate us away.

“But of course, you look cuter with Caleb. I was just kidding with you and Zack” she added and I felt Zack growled under his breath.

Even when I was with Zack, I was remembering him. I was sure I missed him. I had no clue why suddenly I turned into missing him like this. I was getting use to hate him for the longest time.

XXX

I was there watching TV with fish and chips alone. Jack was out with his bandmates, busying themselves with their new songs which I didn’t care about. I was watching the rerun of Gossip Girl until my mom came to the living room with iPhone on her ear. She was waving to me and grinning with the caller. She nodded and the approached me with super wide smile.

As she shut off her phone, she plopped down next to me and revealed her immature behavior once again.

“What’s up mom? You’re hyper for sometimes” I responded and I could tell everytime she went hyper she must be having some conversation with her bestfriend like Teresa. “Teresa?” I guessed right. She grinned wider.

“I know right” I rolled my eyes

“Nicky, she invites us to stay in Dallas this end of week!”

“You mean, in her house?”

“Yes baby, and it’s a great chance for you to meet Caleb, right?”

I groaned, “I don’t want to see him, mommy” even I had the best headache for thinking him way too much. It’s because I was missing him like hell. My mom stayed in silence and scooted nearer to me.

“Well, I know you’re having some trouble with him. I’m just saying, you need to solve your problem with him”

“I know, mom. But.. I just..”

“Well, the top of it, your problem is only about your self-esteem and your prestige to meet him I may add?”

“NO…” I was disagree eventhough she’s totally right. My mom chuckled,

“Well, you’re coming or not? Teresa is expecting to see your belly, she said. She’s so excited toward it. she invites us because she wants to see your belly and she said Caleb missed you” my mom said. And, like I trusted Teresa that Caleb missed me? HA! No way, he must be having some girls to date with in Dallas. And he totally forgot about me.

Oh shoot. Why do I love to bitch up everytime it came to Caleb?

I just sighed. Well, it seemed I’d be leaving Baltimore and Zack for awhile to meet the Turman and of course Caleb as well.

The bottom line is, I couldn’t lie that I missed him.

Like so much.

XXX