Do You Think You're Up For This?

“Like a cold day in August, I was not prepared for this.” –The Academy Is…

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I bite at my nails anxiously, staring at myself in the bathroom mirror.

My scared green eyes stare back at me, but they give me no answers.

Just a few more minutes and I’ll know for sure.

I feel nauseous.

My cell phone is nearby, so when I know, I can tell someone.

If I’m not too scared, that is.

I walk into mine and Michael’s bedroom to kill time, making the bed and straightening the picture frames on the dresser that flaunt the time we spent in Australia on honeymoon only two months ago.

My favorite is the one of Michael and I walking hand in hand on the beach the very first day.

Now it seems like it’s been years, not months since then.

I stop, because it only reminds me of my current dilemma, and my hands are shaking badly anyways.

It’s too soon for this.

I’m not ready.

I can’t handle this right now.

I’m supposed to record a new album with Suzie and the guys soon.

The timing is terrible.

I unknowingly begin rubbing my tattooed wrist and force myself to stop. I never thought I’d pick up that old habit again, but I find that I’ve been doing it increasingly often ever since I started having my suspicions about this.

I allow another minute to pass before I return, my stomach twisting itself into a jumble of panicked nerves.

I close my eyes and pick it up, but I’m too afraid to open them and know for sure.

I draw in shaky breaths and count to three in my head.

One.

Two.

Three.

I open my eyes quickly and I gasp in horror.

This can’t be happening.

It takes me a few seconds to realize that tears are streaming down my face, and I’m shaking from the violent and heaving sobs spilling from my mouth. I feel like collapsing, but instead I grip the edges of the sink to stop my trembling hands and take a few slow breaths, trying to pull myself together.

Sure, Michael and I had obviously talked about it before, but we weren’t planning on this for at least another couple of years. After all, we’ve only been married for two months, and he’s been on tour for one of them.

It’s positive.

I’m pregnant.