Do You Think You're Up For This?

“Forever alone, until I found you, and now you're always there. Voice on the air, scent on my clothes.” – The Academy Is…

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I check on Elliott when I wake up and I’m relieved to find he’s fast asleep for now.

The past two months or so have flown by, and he’s only getting bigger and more energetic as the end of summer approaches.

However, his changing grayish-blue-green eyes still remain a mystery to us.

My post-delivery body is slowly settling down back to normal.

I stretch and walk down the hall, my bare feet padding along the wood floor.

“What’s this for?” I ask, wandering into the kitchen and seeing Michael at the stove, flipping pancakes in the frying pan.

“I’m making you breakfast for our anniversary, Rae,” he laughs, glancing at me as I bring my hands to cover my face.

Cannot. Believe. I. Forgot. This.

I’ve been too busy concentrating on taking care of Elliott.

“I made dinner reservations for tonight,” he adds, setting two plates on the table. “And-”

“Please don’t say you bought me anything…” I start to mumble. He laughs again.

“Alright, then. I won’t say,” he says, and I groan.

“What do you want me to give you?” I ask him, sitting down at the table.

“Nothing at all,” he replies, smiling. I sigh impatiently.

“You’re too good to me,” I inform him as he kisses my cheek before sitting across from me.

“You deserve it,” he states simply.

“What about Elliott?” I ask, shaking my head at him.

“Suzie and Mike offered to babysit for the whole night. And Bill said he could stop by if they needed anything.” I bite my lip uncertainly. “We can’t be with Elliott every second, Rae,” he points out, seeing the look of hesitation on my face and reading my mind.

“I know,” I mumble. “But we haven’t been apart from him for a whole night.”

“He’ll be fine. We won’t be far from their place anyway.”

“Okay…” I sigh, still not completely convinced as I pick at my breakfast.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Suzie opens the door and I set the car seat on the floor, unbuckling Elliott and taking him out.

“Are you sure?” I ask her, regretfully handing him over as she takes him in her arms carefully.

“It’s fine, Rae. Besides, you need a break.”

“You’re right,” I sigh, handing Mike the diaper bag I’m still getting used to carrying around everywhere.

He leans over to make faces at Elliott, who reaches up to curl his tiny fingers around a clump of Mike’s dark hair. “Um, Mike, he likes to pull-” I start to warn him. He’s just started to grab everything and anything that dangles in front of him, mostly mine and Michael’s hair.

“Ouch. Ow!” Mike yelps, as he tugs a handful of hair repeatedly. “Make him stop! Tell him to let go!”

“See, that’s what happens when you stop getting haircuts on a regular basis,” Suzie informs him, sighing and shaking her head before gently untangling his small hand from Mike’s dark mop of hair. He’s overdue for a haircut again. “You baby.”

“He had me from the roots!” Mike exclaims defensively.

“Thanks guys,” I laugh, as I turn to go after kissing Elliott goodbye. Suzie hands him over to Mike so she can see me out. “Wait, Suzie, make sure you don’t forget-” I begin, turning back to remind them to burp him after he eats.

“Everything’s under control, Rae. We’ll call if we need anything. Go before he notices and gets upset,” she insists, ushering me out and closing the door behind me as Mike shouts a ‘have fun.’

It’s hard not to think about Elliott throughout dinner. I begin worrying that he’ll start crying in the night like he usually does and Suzie and Mike won’t hear him, even though he’s a loud and insistent crier and they’ve assured me he’ll sleep in their room.

…I also can’t help but send text reminders of his feeding schedule to the two of them.

“Relax,” Michael whispers in my ear, taking my hand as we’re leaving the restaurant and walking towards the parking lot.

“I’m trying,” I reply helplessly, putting my phone away again.

“It’s not any easier for me, sweetheart,” he assures me, kissing my cheek.

“You make it seem easy,” I point out.

“I have to – for you,” he responds, squeezing my hand.

I still feel guilty for forgetting our anniversary as I push the door to our apartment open.

Has it really been a whole year?

I quickly enter the closet and begin digging through my pajama drawer while he’s in the bathroom.

I still haven’t lost all the baby weight, but Suzie tells me it’s better that I don’t look anorexic anymore.

I think it was supposed to be a compliment, but I’m still self-conscious either way.

I toss my worn clothes into the hamper and change into a sheer, hot-pink nightie that I haven’t worn since our honeymoon. After all, it is our anniversary, and it’s the least I can give him, since I don’t have a present.

I arrange it so it falls better on what curves I have and settle myself on the bed, waiting.

“Rae, have you seen my-” he begins, exiting the bathroom, shirtless. He pauses, seeing me lying on the bed. I smile, amused by the surprised look on his face and bite my lip so I won’t start to laugh.

“Are you sure you don’t want anything for our anniversary?” I tease him, sitting up straight. “Because if not, I’ll just brush my teeth and we can go to sleep…” I continue, getting off the bed to walk past him into the bathroom and trailing my hand across his bare chest.

He spins me around with his hands on my waist, covering my mouth with his eagerly before I make it very far.

“Okay, well, goodnight,” I joke, laughing and squirming away from him when we stop for breath.

“Very funny,” he says, connecting our lips again as he pulls me back towards the bed.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Suzie

I know I don’t want kids, but looking down at Rae and Michael’s baby is almost enough to make me consider changing my mind.

Almost, but not quite.

Rae’s hospital episode always lingers in the back of my mind when I think about these things.

Mike’s so good with Elliott it’s as if he’s trying to prove something.

He’s fed him, he’s changed his diaper multiple times tonight, and kept him occupied so he won’t cry or notice that Rae and Michael are missing from the picture.

It’s as if he’s trying to prove me wrong.

He doesn’t have to; I already know he’d be a great father.

I just know I’d be a horrible mother.

Who does Mike think he’s kidding?

I’d be doing the world a favor by not raising a kid.

And I don’t have to play “house” with Mike and Elliott to prove it.

Mike’s been spending the majority of the night making Elliott laugh and smile while I watch on in semi-uncomfortable amusement.

Because, really, what else can a baby do besides eat, cry, and sleep?

Don’t get me wrong, I love Elliott.

He’s my godson, after all.

It’s just that I still don’t know what to do with him after a few hours of babysitting.

I know Rae can just sit there staring at him or singing to him for the longest time.

But I’m not Rae.

I turn on the tv while Mike puts Elliott to sleep in our room.

I know Michael likes taking him for walks and plays his acoustic guitar for Elliott until he falls asleep.

But Mike’s not Michael.

And even the most distracting object in the apartment can’t keep me from thinking about this.

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Michael

The moonlight casts beams of light through the window shades, illuminating her pale skin against the dark bed sheets.

I run the back of my hand from her bare shoulder down her smooth back, feeling her shiver at my touch.

“What are you thinking about?” she asks.

“How lucky I am,” I answer honestly. She rolls over to face me, her hair in disarray but her lips curled upwards in that smile I love.

“Seriously,” she interjects.

“I am being serious,” I reply, grinning back before scooting closer to kiss her lips. It isn’t long before her fingers are tangled in my hair and her tongue is clashing with mine. The slight weight of her body on mine sets the nerves of my skin on fire.

“I’m the lucky one,” she abruptly pulls away to inform me.

“Rae, I think we should buy a house,” is the first thing I say afterwards. Our breathing still hasn’t slowed down.

“Really?” she asks breathlessly, resting her head on my chest.

“Nothing big,” I quickly revise. “Just…something more permanent.” I wait for her to answer meanwhile her fingers trace the shape of the tattoo on my arm.

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt to look around,” she finally answers.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Suzie

“What the fuck is going on?” I say groggily, waking up to a loud wailing ringing in my ears.

“It’s just Elliott, Suze. Go back to sleep,” Mike answers, sounding just as drowsy. I briefly catch a glimpse of the clock as he’s getting out of bed. 4:38 am.

I give a loud groan and bury my face in the pillow when he turns on the lights. I hear him pick up Elliott and take him to the kitchen, trying to quiet him the whole time.

I can still hear him clearly even though they’re in the other room.

I groan again and cover my head with my pillow to block out the noise.

The next time I wake up, my pillow is still pressed over my head and it’s quiet besides Mike’s soft snores beside me.

I remove my pillow and climb out of bed, yawning. I pause to check on Elliott, who’s asleep.

It’s difficult to believe his tiny lungs were able to produce enough noise to keep me up half the night.

Mike’s feeding him when I get out of the shower. He looks up to smile at me after I enter the room.

“Do you think it’ll ever be like this for us?” he asks.

I open my mouth to tell him he’s crazy if he thinks I want to deal with this on a regular basis, but thankfully I’m interrupted by a knock at our door. I quickly leave the kitchen to let Rae and Michael in.

“How was he?” she asks nervously, her face changing to relief when she sees he’s calmly drinking from his bottle in Mike’s arms.

“Great,” Mike answers. “Right, Suze?”

“Yeah,” I quickly agree, for Rae’s sake. “Just great.”