Do You Think You're Up For This?

“We learned a lot about the art of contradiction. We learned a lot about the company we keep. We learned a lot about what keeps us all together. I’m with you until the end.” – Motion City Soundtrack

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“You’re impossible, Suzie.” I catch the not-so-subtle roll of Suzie’s eyes as her mother leaves the huge dressing room to continue her search of a white dress that might change Suzie’s mind. Her sister follows.

“I don’t care what they say; I’m getting this one,” she announces confidently, turning carefully to face me, so she won’t step on the hem of the dress.

“It’s gorgeous,” I offer. She beams happily.

She was afraid the off-white color would wash her out, but she just looks perfectly porcelain instead.

“I just can’t wait for this all to be done,” she sighs.

I smile sympathetically, standing to help her unzip her chosen favorite. She’s spent all day trying on dresses she’s hated until we found this one.

Simple and ordinary from far away, but if you look closer, the fabric has a complex and intricate pattern.

“You think Mike would be okay with eloping?” she grumbles, rolling her eyes and slipping out of the dress carefully. I laugh.

“Don’t think so, Suze.”

She sighs audibly.

Planning’s been stressful mostly due to her mother and sister being overly helpful to the point of constant disagreements about every little detail. From the napkins to the reception hall.

“Where’d they go?”

“To find more dresses, probably.”

“Fuck it,” she says dismissively. “Where are my pants?”

I laugh and toss her the pile of clothes nearby.

“What are you wearing to your engagement party tonight?” I ask curiously. She groans.

“Don’t even remind me, Rae.”

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Michael

“How are you doing?” I ask Mike curiously, joining him for a glass of wine at the bar.

It wasn’t really his or Suzie’s idea to throw this party, more of an insistence by both their mothers.

“Good. Great, actually,” he grins.

“I’m glad you’re happy. Congratulations,” I tell him, smiling.

“Thanks, man.” He smiles back. “Listen, Chiz…” he begins, turning to me. “Thanks. For everything. You helped me out when things were bad, and-”

“Mike,” I interrupt. “No worries.”

“Thanks, anyway,” he insists, giving me a brief hug.

He glances at Suzie multiple times as he continues to sip his wine, causing me to laugh.

“Is it me, or is this wine really good?” he asks, glancing over at her a few more times. I laugh inwardly.

“It tastes like it always does, Mike,” I shake my head at him in amusement and he shrugs. “Why are you standing here talking to me?” I tease. “Go get her.” He gives me a final grin before heading over.

I observe everything as I finish what’s left of my wine. All of our bandmates, friends, and Suzie and Mike’s families mingling and having a good time in general, reminding me of my own wedding.

My gaze strays to the table, where Rae is sitting, just observing everything like I am.

I automatically smile, place my now empty glass on the bar, and head over.

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Rae

My gaze strays to Nicola and Seb sit farther down along the table, heads close and talking, when he suddenly leans over to kiss her lips. She smiles and blushes, catching my eyes for a second and then blushing even more. He abruptly stands up, pulling her towards the small dance floor by the hands as she pretends to resist.

I smile at them and then check the time in an attempt to figure out the time difference back in Chicago; to see if it’s too late to call my parents and see how Elliott is doing.

“Dance with me?” a voice at my ear asks. His hand traces up my back and along my shoulder. I shiver, turning to face him, smiling and letting him lead me to the floor.

He wraps his arms around my waist as a slow song plays idly in the background. I arrange my arms to rest around his neck.

He grins crookedly before leaning down to steal a quick kiss. I smile back afterwards as his mouth opens; looking as if he doesn’t know what he wants to say.

“What?” I prompt curiously.

“You’re beautiful,” he says.

“Tonight,” I add, correcting him, as we revolve slowly on the spot.

“Every night,” he disagrees, giving me a crooked smile. I shake my head.

“You always know what to say, don’t you?” I ask, smiling anyway.
He suddenly laughs.

“No,” he shakes his head, still smiling. “Only to you. I’m pretty bad with everyone else. You know me and words.”

I give a small laugh before resting my head against his chest and closing my eyes.

“I love you.”

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“Mum!” a small force hits me around the knees almost immediately as I walk in the door as soon as we get back from the airport.

Michael crouches down to ruffle Elliott’s sandy colored curls.

“Ready to go home, baby?” I ask, picking him up to kiss him. He nods, clinging to me while burying his face in my shoulder and yawning.

“How was he?” I ask my mom.

“He cried the first night, but he was fine after that,” she replies, greeting Michael and I with hugs.

We stay for a bit longer to talk with my parents about our short trip to L.A. meanwhile Elliott sleeps in Michael’s arms.

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Our house is quiet, and Elliott’s asleep down the hall in his bedroom.

Nicola’s still an enormous help when we need her, and an empty bedroom always waits for her return even while she stays in L.A. with Seb.

I lie sleeplessly in bed with Michael, absently running my fingers through his hair.

He looks at me, his body pressed firmly but comfortably against mine as he kisses my neck. I sigh in blissful contentment, closing my eyes.

“You want another one so soon, Rae?” he teases, as I start to tug on the hem of his shirt suggestively.

“You’re joking, right?” I ask, reaching up to push back his long hair. He rolls back onto his side.

“I don’t know, Rae,” he shrugs. “Don’t you ever think about it?” he asks.

“Of course I do,” I answer honestly. My hand comes to rest on my stomach almost without my realizing it. He notices, and his hand immediately envelopes mine, giving a gentle squeeze. “I guess I thought…I mean…it’d be nice to have a girl,” I admit, smiling in spite of myself at my formerly secret thought.

“She’d look just like you, sweetheart,” he smiles.

I don’t answer; just bask in the feeling of him next to me, his warm skin against mine.

“Do you think we’re even ready for another anytime soon?” I ask, after a few comfortably silent minutes.

“I don’t know, Rae,” he yawns, “I just know I love you.”

Thoughts and hesitations of it being too soon fall away, even though Elliott’s almost, but not yet two years old.

I don’t dwell on it; we have plenty of time to discuss things like that in the future.

“I love you too,” I reply. I look to see that he’s already fallen asleep and smile softly to myself.

I lean up to kiss his cheek before I make myself comfortable for the night, pulling the blankets around us and rearranging myself in his arms.

And I realize that this is how it’s going to be.

Michael and Elliott first – it’s how it has to be, it’s how it’s always been, even when I didn’t realize it, and how it will always be.

I don’t feel trapped anymore; I don’t want to waste energy or time lamenting my career or thinking about not having enough time for all the things I want to do, musically or otherwise.

If our most recent album is our last, I think I could be okay with that, too.

A few thoughts drift in and out of my mind as sleep waits to claim my consciousness until the morning.

How I’ll be sad to leave my boys for tour next month, but how ecstatic I’ll be when I return.

All the planning still left for Suzie and Mike’s wedding after that.

The hint of an Australian accent in the words Elliott’s learned from Michael and Nicola that I adore hearing him say.

Michael’s crooked smile and his loving blue-green eyes I’ll see when I wake up in the morning.

I fall asleep with these few thoughts that are always swimming in my mind.

I fall asleep, and I’m content with the ways things are.

I’m happy, and for the first time in a long time-

I don’t think my own personal happiness is too much to ask for.