This Empty Love

“Oliver, are you aware that I saw your wife this morning?” Dr. Owens asked me. He led me into his office and motioned for me to sit down in the chair across from his desk.

“Yeah, that’s partly why I’m ‘ere.” I told him, sitting down awkwardly. Owens grabbed a bottle of water and handed me another before sitting down himself and starting up the conversation.

Owens took a sip first, thinking. “And what’s the other part?” He asked, leaning back in his over sized computer chair.

“Doc,” I started to say, glancing down nervously at my tattooed fingers, “We got in another fight and I didn’t know who to talk to seeing as my brother is more on Taylor’s side than mine.”

“Well, that’s pretty much what I’m here for.” He assured me, “So tell me about the fight.”

I sighed and gathered my thoughts, rubbing my clammy hands against my jeans. “She brought up our past together - about the problems she had - and then she asked me for my opinion, and I gave it to her. She didn’t like it, flipped a bitch, and ‘ere I am. I don’t know if what I said was wrong, or right.”

“Depends, what all did you talk about?” He asked me, pressing further.

I bit my piercings nervously. “Just that I wish she would trust me more, and ‘ow since then it’s been harder to get into her mind. I mean yeah, I know almost everythin’ about her, but she won’t open up anymore.”

Owens nodded his head as I explained. “Trust and knowing is key to marriage, it really is. But do you think that maybe she can’t trust you fully for past things as well?”

I sighed again, louder this time, and rubbed my forehead. He hit a weak spot right there. I guess there’s something neither Taylor or I mentioned to him, that might need a little explaining. It’s hard though, to talk about something you regret so much.

“There is, definitely.” I told him quietly, looking up to meet his eyes, completely miserable. He looked taken aback by my sudden change in emotion. “I had a few relationships in our two break ups, and about four months ago I got piss drunk - not that it’s a good excuse - and cheated on her.” I trailed off at the end, hoping in some way that he wouldn’t catch what I said.

“Well, this is definitely something I wasn’t aware of.” Owens told me, leaning forward to write something. “Taylor told me you broke up once, she didn’t mention a second time. Will you explain that to me before we move on to the cheating explanation?”

Without Taylor here, I felt weird for revealing too much information. It made me, finally, realize what she meant by putting our personal life into song lyrics. Seeing it from this view made it a little more clear on why she completely freaked out on me, but it didn’t make me feel bad about it, yet.

“It was a month after we got back together the second time that she said she needed a little more time to think about things,” I started explaining, being careful about how I worded the explanation. “We were broken up another four months probably, and durin’ that time, I was with a girl named SJ. Let’s just say, Taylor wasn’t too happy about her.”

“Why’s that?” He asked.

“SJ was the polar opposite from Taylor. Blonde, huge tits, plastic; just different. I think Taylor wondered how, if I liked SJ, I could like her at all.” I told him, giving a shrug. “I think I liked the difference, but I never love SJ.”

Normally, I hated talking about my past, especially to therapists. I didn’t think I needed the help, nor did I want it, but he got me talking, and for once it felt good to get things off my chest.

I hadn’t been able to talk things through in so long. Usually Taylor was the one I would turn to, she was the only one I would show any emotion to,. And with us constantly at each other’s throats, my security blanket and best friend was suddenly gone.

“Never loved her, because you never stopped loving Taylor?” Owens asked, his voice very mellow. I looked up, meeting his eyes, and nodded. “So if you never stopped loving Taylor, why cheat?”

This was the hardest thing ever: admitting I was wrong, very wrong. “I don’t know,” I muttered, my voice defensive, “I was drunk, and mad, and very frustrated with her. I’ve never met anyone to stubborn. I guess I needed some type of release, and the first thing available - so I thought - was the girl.”

Owens nodded, not commenting just yet. “And who was the girl?”

“SJ.” I’ve never been so ashamed of myself.

&&

Doc Owens left me with some things to “think about” for next time. They were three categories that I wasn’t too keen on exploring yet: more past, the cheating experience, and sex. When he told me the last one, I nearly choked on my water. What did ournonexistent sex life have to do with anything?

Okay, so it could have a lot to do with things, but is it necessary to talk about that, since four months ago, Taylor and I have hardly touched each other, let alone had sex?

What’s worse, is the fact that I have to relay the three categories to Taylor before tomorrows session. With her mad at me, I wasn’t sure how to do that. Taylor, when she was mad like this, was slightly scary to approach. That’s why, usually, I just sit back and act like I don’t notice her.

The moment I walked through the door, I knew Taylor was home. The fact that Milton wasn’t already attacking my ankles gave it away. Here’s where it gets tricky, how do I approach without setting off a time bomb?

Slowly, I edged down the hall way to, what was usually, our room. Faint music was playing and the bedroom door was cracked open. I peaked in.

Sprawled out on the floor was a sleeping Taylor, her make up smeared around her eyes, and Milton stretched out next to her. Seeing her like this made my gut twist and turn. Though she currently wasn’t my favorite person, I couldn’t stand knowing I did this to her.

Pushing the door open quietly, I leaned down and scooped her into my arms, lifting her up. I hadn’t felt her warmth this close to me in so long, I held on for a moment, wanting it to linger. After a few seconds, I walked over to the bed and set her down gently, pulling the covers over her body.

Staring down at her, my mind was having two opinions. Half of me knew this divorce was my idea and was convinced I needed to go through with it. The other, couldn’t get over the fact that I was still completely in love with Taylor MarieCreig Sykes.