Sinister Smile With a Hole in My Heart

Shaking the tousled messy brunette locks of his hair out of his eyes Alex Gaskarth let out a large sigh. He could barely remember much after going to the bar down the street, but he’d known he’d succeeded in getting very drunk because he woke up with a horrible hang over. Finally willing himself to open his eyes he blinked a few times facing his wall and alarm clock seeing that it was nine-thirty in the morning. Vaguely knowing that it was a Saturday, he was impressed with himself for being up that early. Sitting up he almost smiled at himself for not doing something too stupid obviously since he’d safely made it home with just a hang-over.
As soon as that thought crossed his mind the blanket that was only covering his lower half was shifted and he heard a small groan.
Shit.
Slowly turning his head to the left, his eyes were met with long dark hair covering a girl’s face while she’d subconsciously pulled all the covers around herself concealing her body from Alex’s view. Having a pretty good idea who the familiar shaped girl was, and having a pretty good idea what they did the night before as Alex looked down his eyes meeting with his naked lower half.
“What the fuck did I do?” the ashamed boy questioned himself aloud as he sulked out of bed and grabbed the nearest pair of clean boxers he had sliding them over his skinny, long legs rather hastily. Trying to figure out what to say to Michelle, Alex almost shook in anxiety. He wasn’t sure what drunken Alex was thinking or why the girl had gone home with him, intoxicated or not, since he was sure that she was with Zack.
Tiptoeing out of his bedroom and to his kitchen Alex got out the filters and ground coffee beans out as quietly as he could taking a few scoops and gently tossing them into the white thin paper before placing it into the coffee maker. Afraid to turn the faucet on for fear of waking up Michelle, he went into his fridge and grabbed a bottle of distilled water and pouring it into the machine.
“I’m such a friggin’ wuss.” he talked aloud to himself and chuckled shaking his head at how ridiculous he was being. Turning on the black machine that would brew him up a large mug of coffee, the boy stood in place unsure of what to do while he waited.
He could take a shower, but the walls in his apartment where very thin and you could hear everything guaranteeing that the girl would wake up. Which could lead to one of a few things. Michelle would:
A.) wake up and leave before Alex got out of the bathroom.
B.) wake up and storm into the bathroom demanding an explanation
Or the most probable option:
C.)Wake up and wait for Alex to get out of the bathroom to discuss and/or yell at Alex.
Or he could just get dressed for now until he thought out his next step. Choosing that option the boy turned to throw on a shirt and a pair of jeans but on his way, he accidentally had bumped into his counter knocking over a few plate in the drainer beside his sink. They loudly crashed to the floor and caused the boy’s whole body to cringe as he heard the girl groan and moments later a shift in the bed. He knew she was awake. Deciding to face the music, the boy made his way to the bedroom where Michelle was sitting up holding the comforter close to her body looking around confused.
“Alex…What the fuck is going on?” she said it more as a rhetorical question having a pretty good estimate of what had gone on taking in Alex’s appearance of just boxers and finding herself naked in his bed.
“Uh, I’m not entirely sure,” he was acting kind of embarrassed for once looking away and scratching his head. He was ashamed of reverting to his old ways when he felt as if he’d grown in the last few months.
“Yeah, I don’t remember too much about last night either, just fighting with Zack…shit. Zack” Michelle swore patting down her unruly sex hair also not trying to meet Alex’s eyes.
It was clear to both of them that neither of them was who they’d been a mere two months earlier.
“We messed up,” Alex sighed sitting on the edge of the bed as the younger girl sat up, still holding the blanket tight to herself surveying the room for her clothes, but the first thing she took in was all the baby stuff in shopping bags around the carpeted floor. As her eyebrows came together in confusion and the girl went to speak, the two of them were frozen in fear as they could clearly hear someone fumbling with the doorknob to Alex’s apartment. Just as the front door was coming open Alex slammed his bedroom door shut and Michelle jumped up not caring that the blanket had fallen on the floor leaving her completely exposed. While the young father stared at the high school senior, each of them had wide eyes waiting.
“Hello?” Alex called out panicky.
“Alex?” the small female voice answered unsure.
With the voice, that was recognizable for both of the guilty parties, Michelle’s eyebrows rose in curiosity while Alex was still in fear.
“Uh y-yeah Jill. I’ll be right out, I’m not dressed,” he finally replied to the door before turning to Michelle placing a finger over his lips and slipping out of the bedroom, still in only his boxers, re-closing the door behind him.
Jill waited for Alex to leave his bedroom as she rested Drew in his car seat/carrier upon the island in the kitchen. When she heard his bedroom door shut she looked up to find Alex walking towards her in just his boxers causing her to unintentionally flush before averting her gaze, causing the boy to smirk at the affect he had over her. “Hey Jill,” he teased with a knowing voice causing her to make a playfully narrow eyed scowl at him.
“Gaskank,” she retorted back in greeting while she watched him walk straight past her to the carrier, his grin genuinely broadening, and pick up the quiet baby before holding him close to his chest. “Hey little man.”
Jill Barakat quickly looked away scared of how much pleasure it brought her watching her son with his father. Her dark almost beach waved-like natural hair hid her face and seemed to shine against her deep magenta v-neck t-shirt before she scoffed noticing the glass from the dishes that had fallen earlier.
“Little bit of an accident?” she challenged in a joking manner.
But Alex had shrugged her accusation off while playfully bouncing Drew around and lifting him up above his head and then down, making him giggle.
“Hey, Hey be careful now,” the girl warned biting her thumb nail, it was now a habit that she’d regularly picked up no matter how much she didn’t like the idea of it.
“We’re fine,” the brunette young man reassured throwing Drew higher and although the girl knew her eyes were playing tricks on her she was thinking he was a little too close to the fan for her liking.
“ALEX!” Jill scolded loudly rushing over to taker her son, but before she had a chance the taller of the pair brought the baby to his chest and turned away from her.
“Ok, ok, I’m done,” he chuckled.
“Gaskank, hand over the little boy, and no one will get hurt.”
“Miineeee.” Although Alex’s body was facing away from the worn out looking girl he turned his head over his shoulder to stick his tongue out like in an immature manner.
Jill couldn’t help but let out a laugh that she tried to cover with a cough while shaking her head, not wanting to encourage him. If anyone else had taken in the scene they would have been very confused, or amused to say the least.
A half naked male holding a baby turned away from a petite innocent looking girl in a manner that could be read as protective, all the while having the facial expression of a child.
“Mature,” she sarcastically added before getting to the point of why she was there, “Listen the reason I’m here is to talk about last night.”
“Uh…its ok we don’t have to.” Alex stuttered turning his body back in the girl’s direction taking a glance at his shut bedroom door. He had the advantage of knowing that Michelle Barakat was behind the door, probably listening to this conversation and he didn’t want Jill to say anything that the pair wouldn’t want her to know. The young mother sighed not taking the hint and hell-bent on having the discussion she deemed essential since they were going to co-parent the baby and she wanted to clear the air and keep things breezy and pleasant.
“No, Alex. Really, I was wrong to go after Will without talking to you first. But all I was processing at the time was my crying baby and the fact that you had just punched my boyfriend in the face. However, I should have taken into consideration that you are and always will be Drew’s father. I can’t run from it, and your thoughts and problems with my life are always going to matter at least so that we can get on well for him.”
shit. Shit. Shit. I hope Michelle didn’t hear that, was all Alex could think distracted staring at his bedroom door wide eyed while Drew being the smart baby he was realized he didn’t have his father’s attention and was shifting in his arms in a HEY! Look at me kind of way.
Jill shifted her feet uncomfortably staring at her son, afraid to meet Alex’s eyes while she waited for a response. Yet soon her impatience got the best of her and she couldn’t help but look upward to the singer’s expression. Being perceptive, the girl knew something was up by the fact that he was so distracted and she subconsciously followed his gaze to his shut bedroom door. Then she looked back at him and took in his appearance.
And suddenly everything clicked.
The next thing Alex knew he didn’t feel Drew’s full weight in his arms anymore and he looked down to see the girl taking the baby out of his arms, fully taking Alex’s attention.
“Oh, oh god. I’m sorry.” Jill stammered obviously flustered and attempting to put Drew in the carrier. However he was not helping his mother at all, squirming and crying staring to Alex.
“Just let me,” Alex sighed reaching over and taking Drew again while Jill didn’t give him much of a physical fight she placed her hands on her hips defiantly while the baby instantly quieted as soon as he was placed against the cool bare skin of his father’s chest again.
“I’ll come back. I just, I didn’t realize you had company,” Jill tried to keep her voice even and sound reasonable but found it difficult.
“What? I-I don’t.” Alex cringed after the words let his mouth. They’d been stuttered and unsure. Not like him at all, and they both knew it was unbelievable.
“Alex,” Jill chided knowing the truth.
“Really,” he tried again with more enthusiasm.
“Ok, so you wouldn’t mind if I went into your room now then?” she questioned partially teasing inching towards the closed bedroom door. But she was also angry that he was lying to her, she’d thought they were past that.
Alex had no words as Jill continued inching towards the door. The boy felt trapped. If he spoke up, she’d know he was lying which he felt low about. Yet if she entered his bedroom, she’d see that he was lying visually and that he’d kept to the story. Unless, Michelle had had the common sense to hide in the bedroom if she’d heard the conversation and approaching footsteps. Yet if she heard the conversation she’d found out that he was Drew’s father, which meant the word would be getting out. Fast.
Unsure of what to do Alex was too late in responding as Jill had fumbled with the bedroom doorknob and opened the door.
+++++

Waking up in a hellish state, Kate wished that she’d passed away.

She knew what she was doing when she had rushed out of the Barakat’s house. After all the wrongs she’d just been caught doing, in her state she didn’t even second think her next move. Rushing home she ran up to her mother’s bedroom. She knew exactly what she was looking for. Ripping open the wardrobe’s sliding doors she strew all the clothes hanging in her way to the floor until she reached the safe in the back. When her abnormally thin fingers had wrapped themselves around the wheel to place in the combination it was a matter of seconds before she’d reached in and grasped the highly expensive and irreplaceable jewelry that belonged to her mother Carla. Even though she knew on all levels that it was wrong, it was like her subconscious had shut off. There was nearly no voice that was telling her how wrong it was to be taking her mother’s jewelry for money. The voice that was condemning her about Jack and his mother’s pills had also seemed to be shut up. All she could hear were the voices telling her about the drugs. How she needed the drugs.
As if on a war path the next thing that Kate remembered was being at the pawn shop, a place that she knew wouldn’t take her ID in exchange to the pricey pieces. Pieces that were easily worth at least hundreds of dollars yet she sold for only at most a hundred each. Since the shop was in a seedy part of town it was easy to locate a dealer willing to give her exactly what she wanted-needed-for the amount of money that she had. Rushing back to her house, Kate hadn’t been sure she’d be able to make it, shaking in anticipation knowing what she’d held in side pocket of her designer bag.
The trip back her parent’s house had been a blur and the next thing she knew she was sitting on her bedroom floor with the bag in front of her. The golden brown stared back at her. She’d never tried heroin before but she heard it was strong-a lot stronger then what she was used to. Which in that moment was exactly what she needed. She knew she was home alone but in case if her mother or stepfather came home, she decided to turn on her iPod on her deck to cover up the sounds of her preparing to shoot up.
Starting on The Verve’s song Bittersweet Symphony she scoffed at the irony, taking out a spoon and pouring the substance onto it as she began to melt it. Once she’d finished through that process and poured the topaz liquid into a needle the girl found a belt to wrap around her arm. She’d never done this before, but she’d seen done plenty of times. Hoping the belt wasn’t too tight or too loose she decided to just go for it, plunging the needle into the only visible vein in her arm. As she watched the liquid empty inside of her she saw some blood flare up into the contraption. Before she knew it there was no more heroin and she was falling in and out of consciousness. The last thing she remembered was Alex Gaskarth’s voice floating in and out of her ears from her speakers.
“go back to the place we knew before…”

Now she knew she was in hospital without even opening her eyes. She could hear the beeping of the monitors and she could smell the usual hospital stench, cleaning supplies-crisp bleach-scent mixed with the smell of old people and death.
The surprise to her though was, that she could feel someone’s hand tightly grasping hers. It was a feeling that she could place anywhere. A warm rough hand with familiar calluses from playing the guitar. The long fingers seemingly fitting the spaces between her finger’s perfectly.
“What are you doing here?” Kate rasped trying to speak for the first time and found it very painful as she opened her eyes blinking a few times to get used to the bright florescent lights.
“That’s a rhetorical question right?” Jack’s voice was hard but his hand never left hers and there was evident worry in his eyes and the lines outlining his face while his dark circles showed that he hadn’t gotten any sleep.
Kate felt remorse flood through her again, it seemed that the extremely thin, tall boy who had been the love of her life, was the only one that could arise that feeling for her. She could feel the liquid forming in her eyes, and turned away from Jack not wanting him to see her tears.
“Kate…Katie-I have to know. Why did you do it? Did you mean to-,”
The boy didn’t have to finish his sentence; they both knew what he meant. While Kate really considered what Jack had asked her. Had she really intended to end her life? Or was she just looking for a super high to medicate herself and her feelings? Pausing to think for a while, the girl couldn’t clearly decide which option it had been so instead of having both of them drown in the silence she opted to answer his question with another question.
“How’d you know?”
Surprisingly Jack didn’t bring up the fact that she hadn’t answered his question instead he simply answered her.
“Your mom called me…she’d found you in your room…she was really scared.” Jack paused and Kate ripped her hand from Jack’s a bit harshly. This exchange was hurting her, he was hurting her, even though she knew he wasn’t intending to. She knew that she had no right to want him to care but she did. Jack opened his mouth to talk again but before he could Kate interrupted him.
“Yeah, she probably was…Listen you can go. Thanks for coming it was nice of you but I understand you probably don’t want or need to be here.” She still wouldn’t meet Jack’s eyes.
` If she’d been able to she would have seen the confusion that now laced his features, the way his forehead scrunched and the way that his eyebrows were rose. He couldn’t understand what was going through the girl’s head, yes he’d been a little cold to her but he didn’t know how she could ask him what he was doing there. Then when she’d taken her hand out of his hold, it left him angry until he saw the way she turned from him, he knew she was hiding tears that were begging to streak down his face.
“I was scared too, “ Jack finally continued, persistent, and he gently but forcibly took her hand once again rubbing his thumb lightly over her knuckles before his voice got harsh “And I don’t need to be here? What is that about, the girl I love, almost fucking killed herself intentional or not. How is that suppose to make me feel Katie? Like I wouldn’t come running?! I just don’t get what’s going on in your head? How the drugs are more important then anyone! Anything!…Me….”
The thin girl’s tear ducts opened like water dams as she lost control and started to sob. Jack didn’t cry like he had the last time they’d been together but instead he just held her until she was able to compose herself.
“I just…need them. I mean I know on some level I don’t but I FEEL like I do. An overwhelming urge…But I don’t want to be this girl. The one who hurts and breaks everything she gets. Causing everyone to get out while they can before me or my addiction tears them to pieces. I want to be who I was.”
“Then you need help, rehab, Kates. It’s the only way. You can’t do this alone.”
“I’m afraid,” it was breaking Jack’s heart, the girl sounded like she was a child again; scared of the dark, when in reality it was similar to the same thing. The afraid of the dark stemmed from the fear of the unknown in the dark, whereas she was now afraid of the unknown as well, but this time it was the vast unknown that frightened her.
Although he knew it wasn’t a wise thing to do at the time, Jack couldn’t help himself. Gripping her closer to himself, Jack desperately turned her face up towards his and pressed his lips to hers starting an intense kiss. He needed it in that moment, but more importantly he felt like she needed it. Kate immediately reciprocated after the initial shock running her hands up his face into his hair slightly pulling, something she knew that drove him crazy. Deepening the kiss at her touch, the boy was accompanying her on her hospital bed now; in fact he was on top of her. Their breathing heavy and moving his lips from her own to her jaw line they were both startled when her heart monitor began to beep in a rapid manner. Startled Jack instantly pulled away, afraid meanwhile she blanched knowing the monitor had gone off just because he’d gotten the best of her.
As if reading Kate like a book Jack slightly smirked before backing away off of her but staying beside her on the bed wrapping his arm around her torso pulling her into him so they were face to face. They laid there staring into each other’s eyes as if having a conversation without words before the lankier of the two closed his eyes and placed his lips lightly to the smaller’s forehead.
“If I go to rehab, will we, if I get better-have a chance?” the girl asked what was plaguing her mind.
“Yes.” Jack answered honestly; he knew he could never give up on her.
“Ok,” she complied a tired wave coming over her as she nestled herself into Jack’s neck savoring the moment before she’d start the long road of recovery ahead of her.
++++

Alex stared at Jill staring at Michelle staring at Jill. Michelle must have been trying to hide in the closet all the while getting dressed because when Jill had jokingly opened the door Michelle had been standing in the doorway to the closet in her bra and underwear while in the middle of sliding on a pair of leggings. As soon as the bedroom door had opened she looked like a deer in headlights. Meanwhile Jill’s teasing smile had faded, while her face now held a blank expression. Alex stared at her waiting for a response holding Drew tighter to himself. While Jill was trying to process the scene in front of her.
No one spoke for several minutes and the silence was beginning so seem excessive to Alex, the only one who was fully aware of both sides of the situation. That yes, he had indeed slept with Michelle Barakat, Jill’s teenaged cousin who was still in high school and dating one of his best friends. And yes, that he was indeed the father to Jill’s baby, who was supposed to be dead.
Finally Jill was the first to speak, as she managed to let out an even leveled, “Michelle?”
Michelle was wrapped up in her own web of shock. Having overheard the conversation as Alex had predicted. As she stared on at Alex and the baby in his arms it was unbelievable to herself how she hadn’t seen it before, and how no one else had either. The baby boy was a spitting image of his father. The chocolate hair, the chocolate eyes, the nose, the mouth. Everything about his appearance screamed Alex.
“Alex.” Michelle responded looking to Alex with a shocked disgusted look on her face. All those times that she’d slept with him over the past year he’d known that he’d soon have a baby with her cousin.
“Jill-,” Alex tried, trying to figure out how he was going to explain this to her.
It was now visible to both the guilty girl and boy that Jill’s eyes had flared up red with anger. Yes, she was jealous, she wouldn’t admit that out loud feeling unable to. She was after all dating Alex/Will. Yet, she had another reason to be angry, one that was legitimate to yell about.
“WHATS WRONG WITH YOU TWO! ALEX! DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT MICHELLE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL, SHE’S BARELY AN ADULT! AND BOTH OF YOU! WHAT ABOUT ZACK! HOW’S HE SUPPOSE TO FIT IN THIS, YOU BOTH BETRAYED HIM!”
Hanging his head low, the boy stayed silent he had no rebuttal, he knew that she was right. But Michelle did not take being attacked well, narrowed her eyes. Suddenly everything made sense to her. The proposal when he broke things off had to have been for Jill. The call Jill made to Alex when Drew had laughed and they were on tour. All the pieces fitting together, and knowing her cousin and being able to read her like a book, she knew that Jill was jealous.
Letting out a sarcastic laugh, Michelle gained the room’s attention before she spoke, “Jill, excuse me but you have no right to say anything. My relationship with Zack is really none of your business. In fact me and Alex sleeping together is also none of your business. Considering that you have a boyfriend, and you turned down Alex’s proposal in the first place.”
Alex’s eyes widened at the same time as Jill’s did and she turned to the boy, “You told her,” she hissed and Michelle knew she’d obviously hit the nail on the head.
“No-No I didn’t! I swear-,”
“He didn’t have to,” Michelle continued, “I put the pieces together when he broke things off with me last month showing me the ring.”
“BROKE THINGS OFF WITH YOU?!”
Alex blew out a hard gust of wind as Michelle kept getting him in deeper and deeper with Jill. He wanted to cover her mouth. Didn’t she realize that Jill was the mother of his child when he had no real parental rights and at this point if she said he couldn’t see Drew anymore, he really wouldn’t be able to.
“But none of that really matters anyway. You have no right to judge me at all since you did the same thing. You slept with him while you were in high school too Jill! The only difference is you got pregnant and told everyone that he wasn’t the father.”
It was now as if Alex and Drew weren’t in the room, the cousins seemed to be having a girl fight and kept firing back to one another.
“You know nothing about that. He didn’t tell you he wanted nothing to do with you, or your baby! What other choice did I have! I cared about him and he didn’t want to be there for me! What was I supposed to do Michelle? Tell everyone, ‘Oh yeah! I’m knocked up. I had a one nighter with my friend, he’s my brother’s best friend. Yet when I told him he said he wanted to get rid of it, so I let him off the hook.’ That would have gone over real well with everyone. He would have lost everyone. So you know what! I took the higher road and did the only thing I could think of. And yes, I wrongly brought in the only guy who was always there for me after he’d passed. So if anything that is my fault. But as to saying no to Alex’s proposal, would you say yes to him after all that? After hearing about his escapades and partying every night while I was sick in the toilet or reading parenting books. After I was up with Drew alone who wouldn’t sleep for the night. After not one word, text, phone call, apology or anything for nine months until I walk into my house seeing him holding my son with the same glowing look I give him? And yeah, you know what I can’t complain too much because I did forgive him. But I did it for Drew; it’s not his fault that his father was a prick to me. So, take a step in my shoes before you ever judge me again!”
Michelle was now silent feeling guilty as Alex looked to Drew almost about to cry himself. Holding onto his son he couldn’t believe that he’d said and done those things and he couldn’t imagine what his life would be like if Jill had done what he’d urged her to do-without the baby who was now the only light to his life. Meanwhile Jill’s chest heaved feeling a multitude of feelings, she didn’t deserve to be put on the offensive when she didn’t do anything wrong.
“Jill…I’m sorry. This is just a lot,” Michelle finally said throwing her sweater over her leggings and quickly exiting the apartment.
Meanwhile Alex and Jill stood in silence.,
“Jill, I-,” overwhelmed with emotion the girl was in no mood for conversation and waved her hand as if to say not now. She knew she had to get out of the apartment before she started crying not wanting to let herself go in front of Alex.
“Uh I’m going to go, you, uh can you keep Drew,” she had already turned and starting hustling for the front door of the apartment.
“Y-yeah sure. No problem,” he was confused and before he could finish, the girl promised to call him to arrange to get Drew stepping outside, slamming the door behind her and feeling the tears fall from her eyes. She headed off to her car now freely crying and hoping not to run into Michelle. She would have taken Drew with her but she didn’t want him to see her like this, and in the time it would have taken her to get him in the car seat and outside she would have most definitely lost it. Plus she didn’t want to drive this emotionally with her son in the car, god forbid they got into an accident. Her mind was racing as she ran into her car instantly putting the keys in the ignition starting it up and getting out of the parking lot as fast as humanly possible.