Sinister Smile With a Hole in My Heart

“Mom, can I uh-talk to you for a second?” Jack was careful as he came into his mother’s room where she was lounging on her bed watching the television.
“Sure honey,” she smiled and he plopped beside her. It reminded him of a time when he was younger and his dad would take Jill to ballet every Saturday morning. As soon as they left Jack would grab his superheroes blanket and run down the hall into his parents room and jump into bed with his mom. It was like their own special tradition. Jane would put on cartoons and each of them would snuggle under the blankets until around quarter to twelve when they would hastily get up and get dressed awaiting Jill and their father to return home which was routinely at twelve. Jack frown to himself not remembering exactly when those stolen moments had come to an end, and wishing that it never had. Those thoughts mingling with thoughts of Kate and everything around him Jack didn’t notice that a small tear had fallen from his eye.
“Jack?” Jane asked in a more concerned tone, “Sweetie what’s wrong?”
“Mom, I’m sorry,” he cried finally completely letting loose, “I’m so sorry.”
“Oh, Jack,” she latched on to her eldest child, “for what?”
“For you not being ok, for dad dying, for Jill getting pregnant, for us not spending Saturday mornings together…for Kate stealing your pain pills.” he sobbed.
Jane soothingly rubbed her son’s back as he continued to cry, “It’s not your fault..honey, you know that none of that is your fault right? You could not control any of the things that you just listed.”
“But it is!”
“No, it isn’t.,” Jane sighed in a patient way trying to find a way to convey her thought processes to her beloved and only son, who’s chest was heaving in and out at an unnatural rate. “Jack, I want you to listen to me. Some things,…some things people do have control of but it’s their own responsibility to make up their mind and accept the consequences. Like with your sister, although Drew is far from a ‘consequence’, he is a direct result from some poor judgment. Then there are other things, things people can’t control like…with your father. And sometimes, people, people around the person that has done wrong, they take the blame upon themselves and feel responsible. But you can’t do that. Life is crazy, it’s messy, it’s hard, and it’s not fair. But life can also be wonderful and amazing. You never know what’s coming-what to expect.” Jack seemed to calm a bit and his mother went on.
“Jill, you know she’s a lot like your father in many ways, personality wise. I see it everyday. But you, you’re just like me, poor kid,” she briefly joked and chuckled and Jack sent her a smile, “you have such a big heart and you feel everything so deeply. Things that don’t even directly affect you, just someone close to you, hurt your heart. And it’s ok to feel that way. However our problem is we try to be fixers. We try to take responsibility to make things easier for other people, because sometimes you-you feel like if you do that then things might stay the same. Or the feeling that you can salvage something broken, because of your fear of accepting change, and then on top of that, we hold all of our sadness, and anger and irritation, and strength for doing that and we hide it, lock it away inside ourselves to never come back out. Until everything boils out and it explodes.”
Jack had stopped crying and just intently listened to his mother. She was right. She was completely right about him, and now in spite of himself he slightly smiled while shaking his head. Hearing her say it aloud, truly made him realize the similarities he shared with his mother, the things he couldn’t fathom anyone ever understanding, let alone, feeling as well. Yet here she was, the one women he could count on since the day he left the womb, explaining exactly how he felt.
The two of them sat in silence for a while as Jack processed and Jane reflected. Finally Jane spoke when she thought that Jack was a bit more composed.
“So…Kate took my pain pills?” she questioned, her voice was even and showed no emotion one way of the other.
Jack looked down and nodded, “She, she has a bad problem mom. And it scares me, because I love her. God, I love her so much,” the boy was flustered struggling with his words to convey the right feelings to his mom. “But at the same time, I’m so mad, so angry at her. How could she betray me like this? And how could she betray the ones I love like this?” He looked into his mothers eyes pain obvious and showing through. Jane wished that she had some answers for her eldest child, but as much as she wanted to make it better she couldn’t, and neither could he. It was Kate’s own freewill that would have to come through on this one.
Jane’s silence reiterated to Jack what he already know, and his question was rhetorical anyway so he moved on to another subject, “What I don’t really get mom,” Jack said looking down, “Is how you didn’t realize that the pills were missing in the first place.”
Jane heaved a large sigh and paused before she went on, “Well I didn’t exactly want it to come out this way, but I have worked really hard, and I did it Jack. I managed to wean myself off of the medication. And I’ve never felt better,” she shrugged like it was no big deal but her lanky son grew a giant smile at his mother’s admission. He was so proud of her, and he knew that she was proud of herself. Enveloping her in a giant bear hug, Jane was happy to see a trace of the son she’d always known and was happy for herself and wrapped up her boy’s thin frame into her arms as well.
++++++

“Ok, what’s wrong?” Michelle skeptically bit her thumbnail while her boyfriend Zack shook his head side to side as if to say ‘no,’ causing the girl to sigh.
He’d barely said a word since he’d come over and the younger girl had been wondering why he’d bothered showing up at all. But most of all Michelle was confused. Usually Zack Merrick was all smiles, while affectionate and warm towards her. Today he leaned back when she tried to kiss him therefore only catching his cheek, and the whole time they’d been together he’d seemingly grunted responses her way.
“Ok, something is wrong! You’ve been acting so weird and mopey and will barely look at me! What’s changed?”
“Why didn’t tell me you used to fuck Alex?” Zack finally asked defeated. He was sick of Michelle questioning him and he was quite curious to know the answer himself.
It was like a blow to the stomach and Michelle was ashamed of herself, wanting to know if it was Alex or Rian who spilt the beans so she could knee them in the groin although she wouldn’t come right out and ask because if it hadn’t been Rian and she’d asked Zack could possibly unnecessarily get mad at Rian for knowing and not saying anything about it. Lost for a moment in thought Michelle forgot that Zack was staring at her impatiently waiting on her response.
“Uh, I didn’t think my past was important or relevant to us.”
“You didn’t think it was important? You didn’t think it was relevant!” Zack blew up surprising the girl who’d never seen him in this state. “Did you ever take into consideration that ALEX is one of my BESTFRIENDS who talks to me about things. God, he brings it up to clear the air and give us his blessing and I look like a fucking dope when I have no clue about what he’s speaking of because my GIRLFRIEND failed to mention it!” His tattooed chest heaved under his black v-neck as he was clearly worked up over the matter. His eyes would not meet her slate colored eyes and that scared the girl. She knew she couldn't-would't- let herself loose this boy.
“But-,” Michelle tried to interrupt him feeling guilty and wanting to apologize to cool Zack down.
“No! No, Michelle I’m not letting you interrupt this time! I'm just confused as to how you didn’t see find it relevant in a relationship. How about the trust factor, the honest factor in our relationship! We don’t have that now!”
“I never lied to you.” Michelle protested weakly knowing the muscular blonde boy was right.
“No you just never told the whole truth,” Zack sounded deflated now, no longer yelling, and it made Michelle feel worse it's easier to fight someone when they're angry you feed off of their negative energy. But when someone's defeated or down it makes it worse. Michelle felt guilty and knew she couldn't attempt to plead a case with Zack in that condition she'd feel like she was trying to kick him while he was already down.
“I’m sorry, baby I’m so sorry,” Michelle honestly whispered, not knowing what else to say, and trying to embrace Zack but he gently pushed her away standing up.
“Yeah well, apologies don’t always cut it in the real world Michelle.” Head down, the boy made his way out of the girl’s bedroom as she felt tears well up in her eyes and an overwhelming feeling to go out and feel better came over her.

++++++++++++++
Jill had lied to everyone. She’d said that she had to work, when in reality the young mother just wanted a day, one solitary afternoon to herself before her date with Alex/Will. She had needed to process what was going on with her mother and her addiction, what was going on with herself and Will, and the most pressing thing on her mind that should have been the least pressing thing; What was going on with her and Alex Gaskarth. However the girl found for once that thinking had gotten her nowhere fast. The same emotions came up along with the same conclusions and the girl found herself going in circles biting her fingernails staring off into space.
When four o’clock had rolled around, Jill drove herself home where Alex/Will had met her and they’d taken his car downtown parking on a random side street strolling around hand and hand before stopping in a café for a nice quiet dinner. Quiet being the operative word.
“Is something wrong?” Alex/Will had asked for the fourth time that evening as the waitress had collected the bill and the two teenagers left the diner.
“No, why?” Jill asked irritated now.
“It’s just that you’ve been so dazed all day. I’ve been doing all the talking it seems and you just stare into space.”
Feeling embarrassed and guilty the girl’s face blanched as she looked down, “I’m sorry…I am a little stressed.” she admitted. “My mom, she is like addicted to her medication.” She admitted one of the things that had been plaguing her mind to the boy.
In turn Alex/Will also blanched feeling like a bit of an asshole. He had been slightly irritated with the girl who’d been distant and ignorant of her distance all evening.
“I don’t know what to say,” he admitted while the petite girl who’d acquired dark circles under her eyes with the strain of the day, shook her head in dismissal.
“You don’t have to…it’s just that and a couple other things.” the girl trailed off being as vague as possible.
Gaining a smirk that reminded Jill too much of Alex the boy turned to Jill cupping her face in his hands, “Anything I can help you sort through.”
“Actually,” the girl half-heartedly flirted back, “There just may be.” Standing on her tip toes the girl lightly placed her lips over Alex/Will’s for a simple peck but being a male, he instantly tightened his grasp on the girl and attempted to deepen the kiss.
Jill felt very uncomfortable. She didn’t know Alex/Will that well but she could tell that this kiss wasn’t like him at all, and it felt more like he felt he had something to prove to both of them. It was that and it was the fact that she didn’t like public displays of affection this intense at all. Wiggling her way out of his grasp she quickly looked at her phone.
“Uh it’s getting late we should probably get Drew from Alex’s apartment,” she stuttered before heading to Alex/Will’s car in a fast pace. She was clearly ahead of him and had a feeling that he was angry with him for leading him on or teasing him, but she wasn’t sure what she wanted yet.
Alex laughed aloud at the DVD that was playing on his television for Drew. After Rian had left it had taken Alex nearly an hour to calm the baby down, rocking him gently. The only thing that had finally made him fall asleep was Alex singing one of All Time Low’s songs to the infant.
The baby had been good and slept for almost three hours before waking up to be fed again. If Alex was being honest, he was happy when Drew woke up. While watching Drew sleep was cute in itself, the boy was growing restless and missed his son being awake and alert wanting to soak in every moment with him to make up for what he’d missed. After changing and feeding the baby, Alex was pretty confident in his solo parenting skills and he even gave Drew a bath before placing him into the extra PJ’s that were placed in the diaper bag Jill’d given him that morning. Now that it was nearing nine o’clock the boy decided to relax with the baby. He’d found some of Jack’s DVDs in a box which were luckily Disney and kid friendly. Deciding on Finding Nemo, the singer had popped it into the player placing the bouncing baby into the swing facing the television At first Alex wasn’t even watching the movie, he was too amused watching Drew stare at the tv, occasionally cooing and smiling. But around the time that Marlon and Dory got to the jelly-fish he began to cry and fuss obviously tired so Alex without hesitation had gotten up cradling his son and setting himself back onto the couch gently rocking him. Long after Drew was asleep Alex was still finishing the movie.
His favorite part where the pelican flew into the office was just about to come on when there was a knock at the door. Gently and quietly, Alex place Drew into the car seat that he’d brought up to his apartment after they left the car. Sure enough, Jill was at the door slightly smiling seeing Drew sleeping soundly. Jill gave Alex a small hug saying thank you before making her way to her son and bringing him into Alex’s bedroom to retrieve his diaper bag and to place his coat, mittens and hat before taking him into the car.
Walking into his bedroom, Jill’s heart nearly stopped.There was a changing table, a bassonent and toys scattered in shopping bags around the room. Laying eyes on the things that Alex had picked up for their son, she knew that he was serious about being apart of the boy’s life, and not going anywhere anytime soon. And honestly she’d never been prouder of him.
Alex was not psyched to see Alex/Will. Trying to be polite Alex attempted to greet him and moved aside for the boy to enter his apartment.
“Hey,” it came out flatter then he would have liked but Alex/Will being in a bad mood from being shot down by Jill, scoffed in response anyway before pushing past the owner of the apartment.
Furrowing his eyebrows Alex was taken aback by how rude the boy was. He’d shown up at Alex’s apartment and then when Alex had tried to play nice, he'd scoffed in his face.
“What the fuck is your problem?” Alex growled.
“My problem? YOU! You are my problem. Look I don’t know what your past with my girlfriend is but whatever it is get off it. She’s mine now, and no matter how much you play babysitter it’s not going to get you anywhere.”
Alex felt his body shake with anger. Who was this little boy, in his apartment, talking like he knew everything when in reality, it was obvious to Alex knew that he had no clue.
“Hah!” Alex laughed a cold sarcastic laugh getting into Alex/Will’s, who was about the same height, face. “You’ve no idea what you’re talking about. I can promise you that.”
“Oh yeah so why don’t you tell me then,” Alex/Will shoved Alex, who was not expecting it sending him back a few paces. Of course it was at that moment that Jill had come out of Alex’s room with sleeping Drew tucked away in his carseat dreaming happily. She’d missed Alex/Will’s shove and Alex was unaware of her presence. Yet even if he was aware of her presence he still might have done it; after the shove that sent him over the edge. He still might have socked Alex/Will in the face; hard.
“Alex!” Jill called out shocked which in turn surprised him unaware that she was there. Her voice had startled the baby who in turn began to cry, while Alex/Will grabbed his jaw before pointing at Alex, “Fuck you,” he spat storming out of the apartment.
Unconcerned with the boy, Alex turned his attention to Jill who was slightly shaken up and trying to calm Drew, “I can’t believe you.” she seethed grabbing her purse and going to the door.
“Jill I’m sorry but you didn’t see before! Wait a minute!
" No Alex! I’ve got to go after Will now.”
And just like that Alex knew that even though he was always going to be Drew’s father, Jill had just picked the other Alex over him and it hurt like hell.
“WILL! WILL WAIT!” Jill called out trying to catch up to the boy but not run with the baby. When she got down the flight of stairs she couldn’t say that she was surprised to see Alex/Will standing outside of the backseat door of his car opening it so Jill could hook in the car seat. She knew he was a gentleman of sorts.
“Will,” she now said quieter but he shook his head dismissing what she had to say for the moment as he took the car seat from her placing it on the seat and then moving out of the way so Jill could lock it into place with the buckle while he got into the driver’s seat. After she’d buckled Drew in and shut the door, the girl made her way around to the passenger seat of the car sliding in.
The three of them drove in silence, without even a fuss from the baby who was worn out from the day with his father. Jill didn’t want to say anything to upset Alex/Will although she was unclear on what was going on altogether. And Alex/Will wasn’t ready to say anything yet.
Finally when they pulled in front of the Barakat residence and Jill turned to get out of the car, the driver gently grasped her arm causing her to turn and face him.
“Listen I’m sorry-,” she started and once again the boy dismissively shook his head.
“I’m sorry for whatever that was back there with Alex. And I’m sorry for getting overly aggressive earlier. I’m never-I’ve never gotten like this before. But here’s the thing. I like you. A lot. And it doesn’t bother me that you’re older then me. And it doesn’t bother me that you have a son. What does bother me is Alex. I don’t know what your history is with him, and frankly I don’t want to know. But I feel threatened and I’m acting like a child in ways I never have before and I don’t like this side of me.” he spoke honestly. “Now like I said I like you, but I think you should really figure out what’s going on with you and him, if anything, before we progress.” he offered a small half smile.
“But nothing-.” Jill tried to protest but Alex/Will interrupted her.
“Just think about everything ok. Long and hard, and after all that if you still want to see what’s in the cards for us, then I would really love to hear from you.”

+++++++++++++++++

Jack sighed angrily as his phone rang for the third time in five minutes.
The first time he’d sulked over to it, he’d saw that it was a blocked number calling and had pointedly ignored the call. He never like to answer the phone calls that didn’t have a number. It always one of three options: a telemarketer, a prank phone call from some immature preteen or someone who knew that Jack wouldn’t answer if they called with their real phone number.
Walking back to his bed Jack ran his hands through his hair staring at the clock. The bright red numbers on the digital invention read 1124 pm, and it stung the boy to think that less then twelve hours earlier he’d been blissfully ignorant to his girlfriend’s predicament and nearly everything had seemed fine with the world.
Now he felt like his world was falling apart, with the exception of his mother who now seemed to be more grounded then he. Lost in thought he was startled when two minutes after the first ring, his phone went off again. Not feeling the energy or urge to get up he listened silently as his ring tone softly floated in the air into his ears until it stopped, sending the caller to voicemail. Laying in his bed, the boy was unsure of what to do. Everything he wanted contradicted itself. He wanted to be alone, but on the same token he couldn’t bare the silence and wanted to talk to someone, anyone. Deciding to just try and sleep the boy rolled over and tried to block out the thoughts that were plaguing him and everything else all the while just focus on his deep breathing to fall into a slumber. Just when he was consciously aware of being on the verge of sleep his phone went off again, angrily storming to his bedside desk where the phone was located he whipped it up to see this time a number, but one he did not recognize. Deciding to just answer it, he hit the answer button throwing it to his ear before angrily spitting out a greeting.
There was sniffling and then a pause, “Jack, It’s Carla Smith calling.” her voice was thick with sadness.
Jack’s heart was thudding so loudly he could hear it in his ears and instantly his irritation melted.
“Hi Mrs. Smith…what’s going on?”
“Jack, It’s Kate. She’s overdosed.” the woman began to sob and Jack felt completely numb.

++++++++++++++++++
Hurt, anger, betrayal. The only things that Alex was feeling and it was like they were a cycle of feelings coursing through his veins. It was almost as if Alex was on a sober blackout.
Sober, Alex thought to himself. That’s the problem. Grabbing his coat Alex hurried to one place he knew he wouldn’t run into Jill, a girl who’d managed to do what no other girl before her had, Break his heart.
Grabbing his coat and a scarf Alex hastily left his apartment and began his short walk to a place he knew he shouldn’t be. The bar was one of the last places he should be going, and a part of him felt as if all the progress he’d achieved the last few months would be wasted or for nothing. However in that moment, the rest of him didn’t care. He had one objective, get smashed beyond belief. Whatever else that would come after that he didn’t know or care. This was why he didn’t even bother bringing his car with him, he knew he wouldn’t stop drinking until he blacked out; and Alex knew that he wouldn’t or couldn’t let himself drive drunk. Not for his own sake, but for the sake of the innocent people that would be on the road as well.
Arriving at his usually seedy, dive bar Alex stormed in and the regulars, the sketchy people seated around the bar, paid him no mind. Taking his jacket off the boy undid his scarf and leaned over the bar as the bartender made her way over to the boy. She knew who he was, and she was slightly happy to see the boy who she hadn’t seen in months, he may have been too young for her but he‘d always managed to amuse her with his drunken flirting until last call when he‘d stalk off with some female as intoxicated as he. It had been quite routine and predictable.
She was an older woman, maybe in her late twenties to early thirties and while she was thin it was more that she was athletically built. Making her way over to Alex she raised one of her too thin eyebrows at him with his usual glass of scotch, what he always started out with, as the song playing through the small pub faded into a vaguely recognized Death Cab for Cutie song.
“Well, well, well. Look who we have here stranger.”
Alex held his hand out taking the glass and tilting it towards her, “Thanks Isabelle.” he managed before he eagerly downed the entire glass. It had been quite a while since he’d drank anything stronger then a beer and the liquid burned his throat and left him with a sharp pain of guilt in his stomach.
“Wow,” she said taken aback at Alex’s manner, was usually much sultrier in his drinking. Taking his time while still drinking himself into slurred speech and uneasy footing. On this night however, he seemed almost desperate or as if he was running. From what the virtual stranger could never be sure, yet she could strangely relate to the feeling. Without a response from the brunette man except the glass set on the bar, Isabelle teased him a bit. “Thirsty?”
“You have no idea,” he muttered reaching into his pocket taking out enough money to cover the first glass, and the next. “I’ll take another,” he smirked holding out the money for the bartender to take.
“You got it sailor,” she complied pocketing the money and making her way over to where the scotch was stored.
Five glasses later, and Isabelle was watching the young man and making her way over to him between serving the other patrons. Luckily there wasn’t that many of them since the bar wasn’t exactly on many people’s radars.
“Is-Is‘belle,” Alex hiccupped running his finger around the rim of his glass and slumped over the counter before looking up. “Do do-ya have any kids?”
“Yes, I do,” she smiled and Alex although he was slightly intoxicated noted how the woman’s demeanor changed and that the smile that now crossed her face was different then anyone he’d ever seen on her face. It was loving, proud, genuine, and pure. “Two sons. Daniel and Eli.” the woman paused to hand another customer his drinks before turning to ask Alex why, but before she could he was talking to her again.
“I-I’ve got a son too. God, He’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Alex smiled largely thinking of the infant.
“Really?” Isabelle was intrigued. “You never told me that before. How old is he?” she asked genuinely interested.
“He’s almost five months,” the boy answered before darkening, “but no one knows.”
The woman on the other side of the counter was wiping down the counter and stopped when Alex had spoke his last part of the sentence downing the drink in front of him. She was confused and contemplating whether to ask what he meant. Yet the boy had taken in her furrowed eyebrows and confused expressions and had continued his story without being prompted.
“Drew’s mom, she was my best friend’s sister when she got pregnant. And she was in high school and eighteen. And I did that to her, she was my friend. But when she told me I flipped out and toold her, I toooooold her I was too young and that I would pay for an abortion. And she like flipped out and told me to fuck off...which is yanno-ok whatever, understandable. But here‘s the real kicker,” The boy paused to take a gulp of the new drink in front of him. Alex was trying to sound half way intelligent in his state, and although the words weren’t coming out as eloquent as he would’ve liked, Isabelle was following what he was saying. Listening to people’s problems and stories was one of her favorite things about being a bartender, and she actually liked the young man in front of her so she’d gladly hear him out.
“A day or two later,” he slurred nodding his head back and forth and drunkenly pointing at Isabelle, “I was reconsider-erin' and like I was just scared and shocked at first so jacky boy, her brother, my best friend-I love that kid-he comes storming in telling me her best friend-who had died two months before by the way- WAS THE FATHER. And that’s what she said. She told everybody Joey was the dad, and the best part is-he was fuckin' queer!” Isabelle stared on in shock of the story and whether to believe it or not. But from the sarcastic tone dripping in the boy’s voice she had a feeling it was sided more on reality then drunken tales.
“So now, Jilly, she’s letting me be with my son, Drew,” Alex said in a softer voice, “and I just wanna-yanno tell everyone. Like ‘look see this beautiful smart baby! He’s my son’ but IIIIII cant. And even if I did, people-people would be mad. Like Rian! Rian was mad. And it doesn’t matter anyway because JillisgonnabewithalexwillWHICH Issss Bull-ish because MY NAME IS ALEXANDER WILLIAM!” Isabelle was lost now, she’d pretty much had no idea what he was trying to say with his whole last spiel, as it wasn’t coherent and his tone levels were going up and down from shouting to mumbling. As he finished the last glass she decided that she would have to cut him off.
“Well Alex,” Isabelle took the glass lightly out of his hand and placed her free hand over his fist. “I wish you the best of luck buddy. I truly do, you’re a nice enough kid and I’m sure that any boy would be lucky to have you as a father. I know my boys would have been better off if their fathers had cared as much as you.”
“Tha-anks,” the brunette boy hiccupped smirking taking the last bill from his wallet and putting it in Isabelle’s hand to pay for his last two drinks and as a tip.
Taking the money the woman smiled before standing up straight and retracting her arm, “Now we know the drill. You didn’t have a car with you tonight did you?”
“Nah, no I don’t. Scouts honor.” he said lifting his fingers.
Letting out a hearty laugh Isabelle shook her head “I believe you…but I highly doubt you were ever a scout.”
“Ehh,” the boy laughed shrugging as he turned to leave. He was almost out the door when he saw a familiar female frame slumped alone in the other corner of the pub in a booth over a large glass of whatever she was drinking.
Stumbling to the booth Alex sat himself down as the girl looked up startled before narrowing her glazed over eyes at him. She was obviously quite blitzed herself.
“What do youuuuuu neeed?” the girl elongated her words to try and ensure that they weren’t slurred.
“Aren’t yyyou underaged?” Alex slurred his words without a care and putting on a sultry smirk.
“You told Zack.” Michelle spat downing the rest of the drink she had while the boy sat across from her blank faced, “you told Zack,” she repeated, “That we uuuused to fuck! Then meandHIM fought and now he hates me…fuckin’ sucks cause I think he ‘sdunn with me an’he was ‘ne of the only good-guys I’ve ever been with.” she blubbered.
Alex in his state felt a little guilty, but as soon as that feeling overwhelmed him he took in Michelle’s appearance smiling. She looked sexy. And he wanted to forget. Forget her cousin, Drew’s mother. Forget Alex/Will the douche bag. Forget his problems.
Michelle in her state looked to Alex and she knew exactly what was on his mind with that smile on his face. She knew he wanted sex, and if she was being honest, she didn’t mind. She wanted to forget all the guilt she felt with Zack. The thought that the whole problem started with her sleeping with Alex never crossed her mind as she let him shuffle her out of the bar into the cool air of the late fall night.