Remodelling the Wreckage of My Past

As Ash had run off behind the drums, and Jess was off to grab her bass, I stayed with Cha, asking a question that had been running through my mind.

“Why do you keep Nat around?” I asked, running a hand through my hair.

“She has a great voice, and she’s Brian’s girlfriend and we desperately needed a singer and guitarist to go on the road. She seemed like a great candidate ya know… And it was great, at first… But then she started acting like a spoil brat, expecting everything and more from Brian who kept following her around like a love sick puppy…” she explained, looking at me. I nodded, telling her to continue. “Well, I know we should kick her out, but Brian…” she trailed off.

“But Brian what? He isn’t in the band.”

“He sees Nat as another you Lyn.” Said Cha. I frowned.

“An other me? What the fuck, we look nothing alike!” I said, my eyes wide.

“It’s not about the look Lyn, when Brian and Nat first started dating, it wasn’t that great between the two of them, and he wanted to dumped her, but then she became a member of Perfect Nightmare… And in his eyes, she was like another you. I know she looks like a real bitch, but at first she was down to earth and wanted to improve… But she changed as things got more and more important for Perfect Nightmare. Her ego is now as big as Brian’s was back then… He loves her for what he thinks she is, your substitution in Perfect Nightmare.”

“I don’t understand Cha, it doesn’t make any sense to me whatsoever…” I whispered.

“You weren’t there Lyn, you have no idea how he was… We put up with her because she kept him sane, but now that you’re back here…” she trailed off, her eyes searching for mine. I shook my head and dropped my gaze to the small table. I grabbed a pile of paper and started reading them.

“Is that lyrics?” I asked.

“Yeah…” Cha whispered, looking away with a sigh.

“Can I try?” I asked, pointing at the lyrics. A big smile enlightened Cha’s face.

“Don’t get your hopes up, but Ash is right, we could jam, no?” I suggested, looking over at the guitars hanging off the wall.

Cha engulfed me in a hug and then ran over to the guitars, she picked one up and handed me an other one. I put the strap over my shoulder and headed into the rehearsal room or whatever they called it now.

Aiden, Angelina and Celia were already sitting on the couch. Ash was behind the drums, Jess had her bass in hands.

“Okay…” I said slowly, “be nice! I haven’t play in ages.” I mumbled, feeling insecure as my kids were watching me attentively.

“What do you want to play?” asked Ash excitedly.

“The River?” suggested Aiden. I frowned.

“I don’t know the chords…” I mumbled. Cha smiled and took the sheets of paper from Aiden’s hands and handed them to me.

“We were supposed to cover this song, but Nat can’t get it right.” Explained Jess.

“Okay…” I whispered slowly, “But you can’t expect me to learn the tabs right here?” I asked, looking up from the sheets.

“Nah, I can play! I practiced it!” said Aiden with a bright smile as he got up and took the guitar from my hands. Then he placed the mike in front of me.

“Now you sing, because you know the lyrics, and we play, okay?” said Aiden, grinning. I nodded, unsure.

“One, two, three, four!” yelled Ash and she started. Cha followed, then Jess and then it was my turn to sing.

“As I walk through the valley of the shadow of L.A…” I sung, trying to forget where I was and who was watching me.

Aiden took Matt’s part. I smiled at him and then kept singing Joel’s part.

Ash was beating the shit out of the drums, adding her own personal variations to the original beat and I was amazed when the solo came. Aiden sure could play, and I didn’t regret buying him the Syn Gates custom guitar.

“Again!” squealed Celia, clapping in her hands. I chuckled and turned around to see the girls and my son watching me expectantly.

“Fine, one more!” I said. “You guys mind playing ‘Turn Around’?” I asked.

“Which version?” asked Jess.

“The real one.” I said and took a hold of the mike.

**

“Oh my God, Mum! You kick ass!” exclaimed Angelina as I locked the front door behind us and made sure not to let the key in the lock so Brian and Nat would be able to come inside. It was tempting to lock them outside, but it was their house…

I smiled.
“Thanks, but Aiden rocks too.” I said as I took off my jacket and threw it on the armchair.

“I’m going to put Celia in bed okay?” I said as I took her from Aiden’s arms and decided to carry her back into my room. Because that’s where she was currently staying while the twins were sharing a room.

“Mummy?” she mumbled sleepily as I laid her down on the bed.

“Hi sweetie. Let’s put your PJs on, alright?”
She nodded sleepily and sat up, lifting her arms above her head. I chuckled and glanced at the clock on the bed side table.
10pm was shining in bright numbers.

We had stayed late at the studio, just hanging around and ordering pizzas. It was great, but Celia was exhausted and fell asleep on our way back to HB. I took off her clothes and helped her put her PJs on, I tugged her in the bed and placed a kiss on her forehead.

“Good night sweetie.” I whispered, getting up and walking out of the room. I was about to close the door…

“I love you Mummy. You rock.” She whispered before she took a hold of the pillow and sighed softly. I bit my lip and closed the door softly behind me. I wanted to go downstairs and watch TV but instead, I decided that it was time for the twins to learn the truth about what happened between me and Brian.

I knocked on their door and twisted the knob slowly. Aiden and Angelina were sitting on the double bed, talking and they looked up when they saw me made my way in the room.

“Hey guys.” I said with a small smile as I stumbled my way over to their bed and sat on it.

“Are you okay Mum?” asked Aiden as Angelina grabbed a pillow and hugged it against her chest.

“Yeah, I just wanted to tell you a story…” I said, running a hand through my hair. “It’s about a girl that fell in love with her brother’s friend.” I added.

Angelina handed me the other pillow and they both made themselves comfortable on the bed. Once they were both settled, they looked at me.

“Okay, so I’m going to tell you what happened between me and Brian but I’d appreciate it f you don’t interrupt me. You can ask questions once I’m done, and please don’t judge me.” I said and then took a deep breath.

“You know I met your father at Matt’s birthday party, he spilled his drink on me.” I said with a chuckle. “We started going out, let’s just say that Matt wasn’t all too thrilled about it but after a month he became used to Brian being my boyfriend. I was a year younger than them, along with Johnny. But I was always hanging with them. I was known around school as Brian’s girlfriend or Matt’s sister but not by my name you know… So anyway, we were together for about a year or more and everything was going smoothly. They graduated and I was stuck in school, Brian would drive me to school and he would come and pick me up afterwards and drove me to band practice so I could watch them. It was a couple weeks before graduation, Johnny was already planning on dropping off before he graduated and I was ordered to graduate before going on tour with them but Brian promised me they would wait… He said that they wouldn’t leave without me. I was getting closer to graduation when things started to get bizarre between me and Brian, he would just drop me off at home and then completely ignore me during band practice. Until one day, when I had to walk back home because Brian didn’t show up. I ran to his house and Suzy told me that he was at mine. When I got there, I discovered that they were planning on leaving without me. It wasn’t a big deal when I think about it now, but at that time it was…” I explained, rubbing my forehead and then looked down to see Aiden and Angeline, their gaze glued on me, waiting for me to continue.

“Brian promised me he wouldn’t leave without me and I believed him, because I loved him, with whole my heart. At that time, I couldn’t see myself with anyone else except Brian… And to hear from him and my brother that they basically couldn’t wait any longer… It was horrible. I remember yelling and trying to kick Matt, I was beyond furious. And then, the next morning I woke up next to Brian. I had no idea it was going to be the last time I’d see him… I went to school, and I ran straight back home, hoping I could say ‘Good Bye’, but when I reached the house, they were already gone. I ran to Brian’s house and gathered the few things I had left there, like clothes and stuff… His room was so clean, it was heartbreaking. I spend one of the worst weeks in my life, not bothering to answer the phone when Brian or Matt was trying to call me, I was so mad at them! And my parents weren’t even there… They had left to spend some time with my grandmother.”

“And then, one day at school, I overheard a conversation between two girls that were seated in front of me, one of them was telling the other about how her or one of her friend, I can’t really remember, tried to hook up with the lead guitarist of a local band, which names sounded strangely like ‘avenged sevenfold’ and that this band had been performing at Long Beach that week end… I remember leaving the class and running to Matt and Jason Berry’s apartment, hoping one of them would drive me to L.A but they refused and I decided to walk to L.A… I wanted to go there one way or another and at that time I didn’t even bother to think, I mean I just wanted to have a few words face to face with Brian. I remember a car stopping next to me, and Green Day was blasting through the open window, a girl was sitting behind the wheel. Her name was Cha.” I paused, and saw Angelina and Aiden looking at me, their eyes wide. I smiled a little.

“So, Cha drove me to the local bar where I knew they were supposed to be. I asked explications from Brian, about that girl he had hooked up with and it turned out it was Zacky who had hooked up with that girl, dumping his girlfriend in the process. I remember that ‘Good Riddance’ was stuck in my head the moment I walked out of the bar, without saying a word. It was the last time I saw Brian and Matt or any of the guys. I followed Cha to the show she was supposed to see. And I met two awesome girls…”

“Ash and Jess?” asked Angelina. I nodded with a smile.

“The band we were seeing was Good Charlotte. Then after the show, Cha dropped me at home, giving me her address. I remember listening to ‘the click’, the song from Good Charlotte first album as I packed my stuff and my guitar. At one in the morning, I was standing at Cha’s doorstep with my guitar in hand and my bag swung over my shoulder. When she opened the door, I introduced myself as the new member of their band, Perfect Nightmare.” I explained with a small smile as I recalled the happy times we shared in Cha’s house.

“I’ll pass you the details, we got signed, we recorded two albums and we were off to tour the US as Good Charlotte’s support band. We bound quite well with the guys, Billy was my best friend. I was going under the name Lyn and no one, except for the girls, knew I was related to Matt Sanders or that my real name was actually Adeline. Everything was fine, until we ran into Avenged Sevenfold one night in a club. I had to explain to Billy why I was acting so weirdly towards them and he understood. Avenged Sevenfold decided to join the tour. I wasn’t exactly excited about that, I was afraid they were going to recognize me somehow, but they didn’t, until much later…”

“I was avoiding the guys at any cost and it was weird for me to see Cha, Ash and Jess slowly getting closer and closer to Zacky, Jimmy and Johnny… One night, I finally decided to stop being childish and to listen to their show, sitting on an amp with a beer in hand and Billy by my side. It was ‘Second Heartbeat’.” I explained, looking at my cast and then at my sock.

Socks. I started chuckling to myself, as I remembered the little episode with the supposed lost wallet, the penguins, Santa Claus and Brian going out of the shower.

“What’s funny?” asked Aiden, frowning.

“I just remembered something that happened the same night…” I said with a small smile.

“I think it’s started when Billy said that I could never shower in less than 20 minutes, we raced each other back to the dressing room and I win, until Brian came out of the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist, and I decided to tie and untie my shoelace to keep me busy…”

I decided to busy myself by tying my laces. I took all the time I could, tying them, untying them and tying them again before I decided that I would just stay in socks so I kicked them off and sat on the floor.

“What’s wrong with your shoes?” asked Ash, eyeing them suspiciously.

“Nothing’s wrong, why you ask?”

“You tied the laces, untied and everything before kicking them off… There must be something wrong with those shoes…”

I was just trying not to look at my ex boyfriend handsome body…

The room fell silent…
I didn’t just say that aloud, did I?

Alright…

I kept my eyes on my socks and started thinking about my options. First option: I could start laughing like a maniac and then scream ‘April’s fools!’. My friends would think I’m crazy and I’ll end up in a nut house.
Second option: I could make a run for the door and leave the tour and the state… I will go to the North Pole and stay with Santa Claus and the penguins.
Last option: I could stay silent and wait for someone to ask me to repeat what I just said and then I’d improvise…
As much as I’d love to visit the penguins, I chose option three. I inspected my socks, moving my toes, moving my ankles… anything I could do to forget about the silence in the room.

“What did you say?” asked Johnny, I hadn’t noticed him before. He must have come in while I was inspecting my cool socks! Yeah, my socks are cool, they are black with small green lemons everywhere, I like those socks! Alright, enough about my socks, I have to think of something… I looked at my right and saw Billy, taking his cell phone out of his pocket. Okay so Billy, cell phone, pocket… What else do I carry in my pockets… Wallet!

“I said: I was just trying not to think about asking Billy to hand me some money…”

Wow! I’m amazed with my own imagination!

“And why would you ask him for money?” asked Benji, frowning. He was concentrate, obviously trying to follow my thoughts… Haha! Good luck with that…

“Because I’m dead broke! And hum… I need new socks!”

“Alright?” that sounded more like a question, Jimmy was obviously trying to understand. “She’s lying…” added Zacky.

Everyone was looking at me. Some were surprised, some were anxious, and some were frowning. Suddenly, the second option with Santa Claus and the penguins seemed so much appealing…

I tried to stay unobvious as I slowly rested my hands on my pockets, hoping I had forgotten to take my wallet… Empty.

“Because, I lost my wallet… and you know, without it I can’t buy new socks and that sucks… And since Billy is like, my guardian angel doubled up with a good friend…” Oh God, I was slowly drowning in my own stupidity… And I guess the alcohol wasn’t helping.

“Enough about your fucking socks!” barked Benji. I stared at him, my eyes wide. Did he just tell me to shut up? “You weren’t talking about money but body, your ex boyfriend handsome body to be exact. Listen, if there is something you’re not telling us, now is the time and stop that bull shit with your lost wallet and new socks! You’ve been acting all weird since Avenged Sevenfold showed up, what the hell?!”

I froze on my sit, it took me all the strength in the world to keep my jaw in place. It should be on the floor by now… I was fucking trapped. I had never seen Benji acting that way… He never spoke to me like that!

“Leave her alone! She’s drunk! She doesn’t know what she’s saying!” interjected Cha, looking at me briefly before looking at Benji.

“Drop it Cha, it has to come out sooner or later…” I whispered. Oh my God! Someone stop me! Billy was right, I really need to calm down on the drinking… I never handle alcohol very much and that was the proof. Not even five beers and I couldn’t think straight, let alone stop myself from saying stuff that’d get me in trouble… I was slightly drunk, I was trapped because of my own stupidity… I had no other choice, I had to tell them… I opened my mouth and was about to explain…

“She was talking about me.”

My eyes widened as I turned to my right and saw Billy, he pushed himself off the floor and held out his hand for me. I took it and stand next to him. What the hell was going on? I had no idea…

“We didn’t tell you guys because we wanted to be sure… Me and Lyn had a history together… Truth is, it didn’t work out as well as we thought it would… We didn’t wanted to tell you guys, we ended it the night Avenged Sevenfold arrived… That’s the reason why she’s been acting weirdly. It has nothing to do with the boys, it’s my fault. So if you don’t mind, me and Lyn have to sort things out because it’s getting on everyone…” he said as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and gently lead me towards the door. Everyone was so shocked, their mouth hanging open and their eyes wide. I felt the tears threatening to fall, tears of relief. I mentally thank God, karma or whatever brought this guy in my life and made him think so fast.

I didn’t bother to grab my shoes, I was thinking about the best way to thank Billy for saving my life. Seriously, if he wasn’t there, I really don’t know where I’d be…

If you paid a little attention to Billy’s excuse, you would notice that it wasn’t a really good one… I mean, I’m spending all of my time with him, and then just when Brian arrived I started acted weirdly… But they were all taken aback, I guess that’s the reason why it worked so well…

“No way, and it worked?” asked Aiden, his eyes wide opened. I nodded.

“Yeah, I don’t know how but they bought it…” I said with a small smile, remembering the old time. My eyes wandered around the room until they fell on the clock on the night stand.

“Damn kids, I should let you sleep…” I said, “It’s close to midnight, I don’t want to keep you up any longer with that story.” I whispered, running a hand through my hair.

“Oh no Mum! You can’t leave like that!” whined Angelina. I chuckled.

“Kids, you need to sleep and that story isn’t even close to the end… I’ll tell you the rest tomorrow, okay?” I said with a small smile as I kissed their foreheads.

“I love you, have a good night of sleep.” I whispered as I got up from their bed and made my way to the door.

“Night Mum! Love you too!” they both called as I closed the door softly behind me and headed to my room.