Remodelling the Wreckage of My Past

Wednesday.

It has been a little over two weeks since Brian and Nate broke up. He had moved all his belongings into the garage and there was a board with the inscription: “On Sale” on the front yard of his old house. Nat had packed her shit and had left town it seems. Good Riddance.

The kids were more than happy to have Brian 24/7 with them, and even more happy to go on tour with us. Aiden couldn’t stand still, counting down the days to go. Angelina had already started packing. Celia was spending a lot of time with Brian, probably too much…

The girls had been hectic about going back on tour, and we were finally done with the record. I couldn’t believe it, I mean, it wasn’t so hard to get back into the writing/recording process…

Brian was really helpful, he was spending a lot of time with the kids, always asked if I needed help with anything, took the kids out a few times so I could have some alone time with Billy.

Billy, we were talking on the phone almost everyday, because I wasn’t going to L.A so often anymore, and I was focussing on the upcoming tour. When I told Billy about it, let’s just say he wasn’t the happiest about it. We actually got into a fight, a pretty bad one… Where he said some nasty things…

I kind of forgave him, because I didn’t wanted to go away on tour while being mad at Billy. It would be stupid.

Right now, I was lying in bed. Looking at the ceiling, with Billy asleep next to me. I was going to have to get up in a few minutes, drive back to HB and pack. We were leaving tomorrow morning, so I had some time to kill. I glanced at the clock, 8am. I yawned and laid on my side, watching Billy’s sleeping face. I should do the same, since I haven’t been sleeping well for a few days.

Is it strange that I can’t sleep well in L.A or anywhere else and that I have no problem sleeping in my house? Probably…

I closed my eyes, snuggled closer to Billy and tried to go back to sleep.

I'm bringin' sexy back
Them other boys don't know how to act
I think it's special what's behind your back
So turn around and I'll pick up the slack

I groaned, and reached out to grab my ringing phone from the nightstand.
The kids had messed up with my phone too…

Guess whose ringtone’s it was?
“What’s wrong Brian?” I whispered.

“Angelina, she’s curled up on the sofa, starring at the TV screen. She’s eating ice cream and isn’t moving. I think I’ll call the doctor.”

I rolled my eyes, “Tell me exactly how she’s acting…” I said, glancing at my right to see Billy stirring in his sleep. I threw the covers away, grabbed a t-shirt, put it on and left the room.

“She’s in her PJs, curled up on the sofa with a pillow. Hum, she’s watching… Scooby Doo and hum she’s eating vanilla ice cream. She’s hurting, by the look on her face. I’m worried Lyn, I think I should take her to the hospital…”

I chuckled.

“It’s far from funny Lyn! What should I do!?!”

I sighed, “I know what’s wrong with her… Just give me 30 minutes and I’ll be there.” I said, before hanging up. I shook my head with a small smile. Brian was getting worried really easily.

I walked back in the bedroom and saw Billy sitting on the bed, rubbing his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, still half asleep. I couldn’t blame him, it’s was still rather early and we didn’t sleep until 3am. It’s not my fault I have trouble sleeping.

“Nothing, it’s just Brian worrying about nothing. But I have to go though…” I explained, taking off the T-shirt, throwing it on the floor and heading towards the bathroom.

I didn’t bother to close the door, I knew he was going to come anyway.

I stepped under the water and grabbed the shampoo bottle, squinting some into my palm before massaging my scalp.

“Why do you have to go so soon? I thought you were going to stay for lunch…” he said, leaning on the doorway.

“Yeah, but I gotta go back home. And I need to pack, and I have to stop at my parents’ too… and at Papa Gates’ too, I need to pick up something for Brian. And I might have to stop at Cha’s too…” I explained while rinsing my hair.

“Do you really have to? I mean, come on! I won’t see you until you come back!” said Billy, his arms crossed, still wearing nothing.

I knew it was useless to argue with him, because it would end up badly. So I made a diversion.
“Join me?” I asked.

He uncrossed his arms, opened the door a little and stepped in the shower with me…

**

“I’m here!” I shouted, opening the front door with one hand, as I was holding a paper brown bag with the other. I closed the front door behind me just as Brian appeared in the hallway, his eyes wide.

“You’re late! You were supposed to be here 1 hour ago!” he said, before glancing worriedly in direction of the living room. “I swear, I was about to go to the hospital!” he said, before pushing me in the living room, towards the couch.

“Do something!” he pleaded.

“Drama queen!” I mumbled, shaking my head. I chuckled, sat on the coffee table and looked at Angelina. She winced and hugged the pillow tighter.

“Glass of water…” I asked, looking at Brian as he ran to the kitchen and came back 5 seconds later. I chuckled, grabbed something from the bag. I gave her the pill and the glass of water. She swallowed it, mumbled a quiet thank you and sighed. I smiled at her, and handed the paper brown bag.

“I think I got everything you might need.” I said, kissing her forehead and getting up. She sat up and walked upstairs.

“What happened? What’s wrong?” asked Brian, following me around as I was making my way to the kitchen. Aiden was there, eating cereals, and Celia was sitting next to him, writing a list of everything she might need. I kept ignoring Brian’s rambling, took a glass from the cupboard and poured myself a glass of orange juice.

“What’s wrong with my daughter?” asked Brian, taking my glass from my hand just as I was about to drink.
I rolled my eyes.

“She’s a girl, a teenager. And it’s that time of the month. Happy now?” I asked, holding out my hand so he would give me back my glass.

“But she looked like she was in pain! Nat never doubled up in pain…”

“Well, that’s good for her. But Angelina is like me, and she does double up in pain when she has her period. Thank God, it will get better with the time.” I said, snatching my glass from his hand.

“Poor girl…” mumbled Brian.
I rolled my eyes,

“She’ll live Brian. It’s like that the first two days.” I said. Seriously, Brian was worst than me… Always worrying about the kids.

“I’ll go buy more ice cream…” he said, grabbing his keys from the counter.

“No you won’t. We are leaving tomorrow. We need to empty the fridge and everything. No ice cream. And I do know we’re not keeping ice cream in the fridge. Just stay here.” I said, before Brian could do anything.

“But Angelina…” I cut him off.

“Isn’t going to die. She’s going to rest and take painkillers. She’ll be just fine. Stop worrying for nothing Brian, otherwise I’ll call my parents and ask them to keep an eye on the kids. I’m sure last thing Matt want is you, being worried about the kids during the tour. Are you aware that there will be times when you won’t be able to be with them? That they might wander alone in town without you around?”

Brian just looked at me with a blank expression on his face.

I shook my head,
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have blown up at you. You did nothing wrong.” I muttered, rubbing my face. “I’m going to pack.” I added, before going upstairs. I passed Angelina’s room, the door wasn’t closed. I pushed it opened and saw her curled up on her bed, sleeping peacefully. I smiled and walked out of her room, closing the door softly behind me. I went into my room, grabbed the grey remote and turned on the stereo. Green Day, Nimrod.
I skipped the songs until The Grouch came on.

I opened my suitcase on the bed and made my way towards the closet. I opened the door and starred at the clothes. I had no idea what to take with me. I opened the closet that was located at the right and let out a sigh. Billy hadn’t left any clothes yet. Thinking about Billy made me want to cry. We had a fight right before I jumped in the car to drive back to HB.

We had never fought so much before, it was driving me crazy.

I closed the closet and slammed both hands on the door. Fuck it.

The door opened and Brian walked in.

“Is everything alright?” he asked, worried.

I shook my head and he closed the door softly behind him, walking to the bed, sitting down and patting the spot next to him. I sat down and sighed.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

“Billy, he’s just so fucking jealous! It’s awful!” I mumbled.

“I thought things were better?” he asked, rubbing my back softly.

“And so did I… But obviously not!” I mumbled. “I mean, one second we are making love and the next, he’s blaming me for going on tour. I mean, not going on tour, but going on tour with you! He has a fucking problem with you! But what the fuck is his problem?” I yelled, letting my frustration out.

“Shhh…” whispered Brian, bringing me closer to him.

“Why can’t he see that there’s nothing going on between us! We’re just best friends, and of course we cuddle a lot, we always did! He never cares, so why does he care all of a sudden!” I said, my voice getting louder.

Brian said nothing, just kept comforting me.

“You know, sometimes I just want to slap him, to make him think straight…” I muttered. That made Brian chuckle.

“I’d love to see that.” He said. I raised an eyebrow.

“I mean, not him being slapped, just the action. Like, he’s taller than you so that’d be funny.” He explained and then kissed my temple.

I sighed and closed my eyes, leaning against him. He never was jealous, at least not as much as Billy. He always knew how to cheer me up, when not to say a thing, when to talk…
He knew so much about me it was unbelievable. I was safe with him.

In times like this, I wish I was still with Brian…
I know, I shouldn’t be thinking like this, but it’s true. Things would be so much easier with Brian… But I love Billy, and he’s Celia’s father.

I do love Brian, but as a friend, not like how I used to back then.

“Don’t worry, Billy loves you. He just need time to get his head around the fact that you’re going back on tour, and you’re bringing the kids with you. He’ll get over it eventually. Don’t worry Lyn.” He said.

I said nothing, just looked down at my hands.

Was it wrong for me to wish that Billy would vanish?

“I’m going to pack… Will you be alright?” he asked, squeezing my shoulder.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Thank you Brian.” I said, turning to face him and I wrapped my arms around him, squeezing him tight, my eyes closed. I should stop thinking like that, Brian and I were just friends. And he was still under the shock of having lost Nat…And I had Billy.

**

“Goddamn it! Who left that in the way?” yelled Jimmy, taking the ball and showing it to the kids who were playing in the backroom.

“You did…” said Ashley as she walked past him, and kissed his cheek.

“Oh, okay… Sorry kids!” he yelled and then walked back in the living room area where we were all sitting, talking about how excited we were.

We were currently on the road, off to our first show in San Francisco. I was getting nervous, I was supposed to walk on stage in less than 4 hours. I was sitting next to the window, looking through the lyrics I knew by heart, but I wanted to be sure… Listening to my Ipod.

Everyone else was talking, except for Brian, who was laying in his bunk, listening to his Ipod. My guess was that he missed Nat, and didn’t wanted to tell us, because he knew damn well she wasn’t our favourite person in the world.

The twins were looking after the younger kids, and occasionally playing with them.

I sighed, rubbed my temples and managed to get up without stepping on anyone. I put my Ipod back in my messenger bag, as well as the notebook and skipped into the bunk area. I climbed into Brian’s bunk, without even asking of he was decent or whatever.

He was lying on his back, his hands crossed behind his head, his eyes closed and was listening to his Ipod.
“What are you listening to?” I asked, no caring whether he was going to hear me or not and snatched his Ipod from its place on his toned stomach. Did I mention he was shirtless?

I looked at his playlist: MJ. I smiled, I always loved MJ. I laid down next to him, resting my head on his chest and taking one earphone out of his ear, and placed it in my own. That action caused Brian to look at me, and then rubbed his face before he wrapped both arms around me.

I frowned as I recognized the song.

“Why, do you want a razor blade or something?” I asked.

“Huh? Why would I want a razor blade?” he asked.

“To cut your wrists.” I muttered darkly, unwrapping his arms from me.

“What? Why would I want to do such a thing?” he asked, surprised.

“Because of the way you’ve been acting lately! Always sleeping or staying in your bunk, listening to your Ipod, listening to depressive song, I mean come on! “She’s out of my life”? I love the song, but you need to stop, try listening to some happy shit! Like… I don’t know, “Master of Puppets” or something…” I ranted. “Let’s see the next song on the play list…” I mumbled, taking the Ipod from his stomach.

“ ‘I just can’t stop loving you’… Brian, seriously, you need to get over her! She doesn’t worth it!” I mumbled, changing the song to ‘Basket Case’.
I lay back down next to him and sighed, looking at him.

“Brian, I’m only doing it for your own good. I know you love her and miss her, but face it… She’s a bitch. You need someone you’ll love you for who you are. You deserved so much better Brian, really. Stop mourning or whatever… The bitch is out of your life, that’s true but don’t listen to such a beautiful song while thinking about her.” I said, brushing some hair out of his face. He wasn’t looking at me, he was facing the wall. I sighed.

“I’m just trying to help you Brian, I hate to see you like this. I love you Bri.” I whispered, placed the earphone in his ear and kissed his cheek before jumping off the bunk, just as Jimmy came running.

“We are in SF!” he yelled, throwing his arms into the air and then ran back in the living room area. I sighed, grabbed my messenger bag and walked out of the bus, and towards the venue.

**

My heart was racing in my chest.
The sound check went alright, it felt weird to play in front of an empty room.
Now, I had only a couple of minutes left before walking on stage, and play in front of 5 thousand people for the first time in 15 years. I was beyond nervous.

Aiden and Angelina were somewhere in the crowd, they insisted on being in the crowd for their first show, they didn’t wanted to watch from the backstage. But Celia and the other younger kids were backstage. Jason and Matt Berry were more than happy to watch after them, it gave them time to teach the kids pranks and stuff that might drove their parents crazy…

“Are you okay Lyn?” asked Cha, squeezing my shoulder. I nodded, while glancing at the cheering crowd.

No one knew Nat had left and I had replaced her.
We made sure to keep it a surprise, I thought it was good idea at first. But now, I wasn’t so sure.

“1 minute.” Said Jason, patting my back sympathically. I groaned.

Cha was with Zacky, Ash with Jimmy and Jess with Johnny. I was on my own, Celia was running around with the other kids. Angelina and Aiden were in the crowd. I was sulking, wondering whether I should leave or not when I felt an arm wrapping around my shoulder and next thing I know, I was trapped in muscular, tattooed arms. I inhaled the familiar scent and immediately relaxed.

“You’re going to rock Lyn, you always do.” He said, kissing my temple.

“I’m going to fail, yeah…” I mumbled against his T-shirt.

“No you won’t Lyn.” He whispered, just as Matt Berry shouted that it was time for us to go. Brian kissed my cheek, and let me go. Shads ran to me, squeezed me in a bear hug, quickly followed by the rest of the guys and next thing I know, it was my turn.

**

Angelina’s POV

“I can’t fucking wait!” mumbled Aiden, starring at the stage.

“Chill out!” I said with a smile.

We were in the mosh pit, about to see Perfect Nightmare live for the first time of our lives.

The crowd started screaming and I felt my heart race increased. I was feeling nervous, anxious and everything else.

“It’s time!” yelled Aiden, grabbing my arm and shaking me like there was no tomorrow.

“I know!” I yelled, jumping up and down.

There was no light.

Suddenly, the lights were on and three people were on stage, playing a song that wasn’t by them but one they had recorded on the ‘cover’ album. It was Misery Business, by Paramore.

“I'm in the business of misery,
Let's take it from the top.
She's got a body like an hourglass, it's ticking like a clock.
It's a matter of time before we all run out,
When I thought he was mine she caught him by the mouth.”

Everyone was jumping and cheering. I thought I was going to go deaf. Cha was singing the song. Mum was nowhere in sight.

“Where’s Mum?” Aiden asked, worried.

“Shut up!” I told him over the music.

“I waited eight long months,
She finally set him free.
I told him I couldn't lie he was the only one for me.
Two weeks and we caught on fire,
She's got it out for me,
But I wear the biggest smile.” Jess sang the other part.

Suddenly, they stopped playing. The crowd went quiet, wondering what was wrong.
When all of a sudden, Mum jumped on stage, just as the music started back.

“Whoa, I never meant to brag
But I got him where I want him now.” She sang into the mike.

I took the crowd less than a second before they realized that it wasn’t Nathalie standing on the stage, but Lyn. The real singer/guitarist of Perfect Nightmare. She wasn’t with her guitar, she was just jumping on stage, singing.

“Whoa, it was never my intention to brag
To steal it all away from you now.
But God does it feel so good,
Cause I got him where I want him now.
And if you could then you know you would.
Cause god it just feels so...
It just feels so good.”

The crowd was wild, everyone was screaming Mum’s name. I saw a couple of persons crying, others were shouting in their cell phones, telling whoever was on the other end that a miracle had just taken place. I couldn’t help but smile proudly as Mum stood on one of the ‘ego riser’ of A7x. Just as the last chord of the song rang.

Mum stood there, looking at the crowd as every single person here started screaming like mad.

“Hello San Francisco, how are you?” she asked, smiling.

As an answer, every one screamed. She grinned.

“It’s been a long time, hey?” she said.

“Fuck yeah!” yelled Aiden, jumping up and down.

“15 fucking years!” yelled someone at the very front. I smiled.

“Let’s go on alright?” she asked as she made her way towards the side of the stage and grabbed her guitar.

She walked back to the center of the stage. And Ash shouted.

“One, two, three, four!” and then they started playing Almost Easy.

**

“Oh my God, you fucking rock!” yelled a girl as Mum was just walking out of the building with the rest of Perfect Nightmare. Avenged Sevenfold was still signing autographs, they had left the building 20 minutes before Mum and the girls.

Mum smiled and started signing autographs.
“I love you!” yelled several people, some of them were crying, but quickly wiped their tears as Mum agreed to take pictures with them. It was awesome to see.

Cha and the girls were happily taking pictures with the fans, and even with their boyfriends as some fans requested. Because everyone knew Perfect Nightmare and Avenged Sevenfold did more than touring together. Aiden was beaming next to me. He was smiling so big I was afraid is cheeks would crack.

“Do you see? Everyone loves her!” he said, gripping my arm and tugging at it, while smiling. I chuckled.

“Of course they do!” I said, smiling proudly as Mum looked in our direction.

“Lyn! Syn!” someone yelled, waving at Mum.

Mum walked over to that person and signed an autograph as Dad made his way towards them.
I don’t know what happed, but next thing I know, Dad is wrapping his arm around her shoulder and posing for a photo. Suddenly, there were flashes everywhere and the rest of Perfect Nightmare and A7x joined the photo. It was an awesome sight to see.

They stayed a few more minutes, talking with fans, signing, taking photos and stuff before they joined us towards the bus. We all got in and Mum stayed next to the window, waving at the fans.

“Oh my God!!” yelled Ash before throwing herself at Mum and tackling her to the floor, the girls joined them and it was a big group hug of the band members of Perfect Nightmare.

This is so fucking awesome. Like, so awesome. I sat on the couch and smiled brightly as the guys were all chatting excitedly and the girls disappeared.

I mean, come on! We are in a tour bus with Avenged Sevenfold and Perfect Nightmare and we were on our way to the club. Because yes, it’s Avenged Sevenfold, no matter what, they are going to party. We had been asked to keep an eye on the younger kids at the hotel. Not that I mind, I mean, it was great to be able to go on tour with our parents…

“This is our stop!” said Matt, getting up.

“But we are at the club…” Aiden said, frowning.

“The Berry’s called the club and asked them if you could come with us, thank God the owner is a fan of both bands.” Said Matt, smiling his trademark dimpled smile.

“Fuck yeah!” yelled Aiden as he jumped off the couch and ran to the front of the bus, nearly tripping on his own feet.

“I need to shower and get ready.” Said Mum, emerging from the backroom. As the rest of the girls did too. Ash, Jess and Cha were both wearing dress and Mum was still in her jeans and T-shirt.

“We will have our own room or something, but the kids will have to stay in there… So that mean we won’t be able to drink alcohol in there.” Explained Matt.

“I’m staying here, in case the guy at the entrance won’t let Adeline in, I mean, last time we came, it was Nat the singer, not Lyn.” Explained Brian.

Matt nodded just as Mum disappeared in the shower.

**

Adeline’s POV

The guys had left only five minutes ago, and I had stayed behind to shower and get ready. I decided to wear a dress, like the girls did.

“Argh, for fuck sake!” I whimpered, trying to zip up my dress. What the hell happened since the last time I wore it?!
I got out of the little bathroom and saw Brian sitting on the edge of his bunk, he looked deep in thoughts.

“Yo Syn!” I called, waving my hand in front of him. He snapped out of his daze.

“You look beautiful.” He said, looking at me. I bit my cheek and tried not to blush.

“Thanks, but I got a problem. I can’t zip it up.” I muttered. He chuckled and got up. He walked to the back room and stood in front of the mirrors the girls insisted on putting there. It turned out that the guys spent more time checking themselves in the mirror than we did.

He looked at himself then at me and then went to sit on the little couch. I stood in front of him and waited for him to zip it up but he pulled me on his lap first. I didn’t say anything, except looking at our reflection in the mirror. He was looking at my back, trying to find the best way to zip it up. He held my hair away from my back and I felt his hot breath on my neck.

“Hold your breath…” he whispered and I did as I was told. In one swift movement, the dress was zipped.

“Oh thank God!”

“You're welcome, but friends call me Brian.” He said and I could see him smirking in the mirror and I laughed. Suddenly his face fell as quickly as mine as I realized how good we looked together.

His arms were wrapped around my waist and his head was resting on my shoulder. My heart started beating faster in my chest as he pressed his lips on my shoulder blade and then going up to my neck and my cheek. I turned a little bit too quickly, wanting to ask him to stop but his lips met mine, erasing any idea of protestation from my mind.

His hands cupped my cheeks as mine got lost in his hair. I turned a little, trying to sit more comfortably but he caught me off guard once again and laid me on my back on the couch. He supported himself with his hands on either side of my face, looking at me in the eyes.

It was wrong. I shouldn’t kiss Brian.

It was now or never, I could push him off me and leave like nothing happened. I sighed. One last kiss wouldn’t hurt, right?

I wrapped my arms around his neck and brought him closer to me, pressing my lips against his once again. Feeling his lips on mine brought back so many memories that for a second, I thought I was going to pass out. I pushed him off me, hoping I could escape before it was too late but I pushed him too hard and he landed on the floor, bringing me with him.

“It’s not right. We should stop.” I said, just before I realized that I was straddling him, my hands resting on his chest. His hands on my hips.

“We should…” he agreed, keeping his eyes on my face as he lowered his hands to my thighs. He kept one hand on my thigh and without breaking the gaze, he brought a hand on my back and slowly unzipped my dress.

I lost control. The little self control I had left vanished as soon as I felt Brian’s erection through his jeans. I tangled my hands in his hair and kissed him with all my might. I wanted him and I wanted him now, not caring of the consequences of our acts.

“Stop trying to look so strong when you’re not. You’re not perfect Adeline, no one is and we all make mistakes. You’re just like everyone else, you have your weakness…” I remembered Billy telling me that when we were driving to the beach. It was back then, when we had just arrived in Huntington and I was afraid we were going to Matt’s. I didn’t wanted to see him, nor did I wanted to see Brian.

“And so do I…” Billy had added afterwards.

Billy.

But it was too late now, I was long gone, lost in the moment. I would regret it, probably but I did not care at this instant. Because it is true, we all have our weaknesses, and mine is named Brian.