Shadows

All night, I lay in my bed.
All night, I lay in my bed and I cry.

It hurts so badly.
It hurts so badly knowing that I was merely entertainment for him.
It hurts so badly knowing that I was merely entertainment for him, a game to play when he was bored.

Part of me is playing it off as the alcohol.
Part of me is hoping he’d just made a mistake.

I know though.
I know that he never really cared for me.

Boys say whatever you want to hear.
Don’t listen; they’ll just break your heart.

&&

“Will you watch Lily tonight?” My sister asks me, striding into the kitchen in a black dress and some heels. Do I even have a choice?

I nod my head up and down.
I nod my head up and down, then go back to reading my book.

David and Vivian are so busy rushing around packing up the twins to stay at Viv’s friend’s house that I take Lily’s hand and lead her upstairs without either of them noticing.

It’s about nine o’clock when Lily finally falls asleep.
It’s about nine o’clock when I find Alex in my room.

I can feel my blood boiling just by looking at him.
I point my finger toward the window, signaling him to leave.

“No. I’m not leaving. We have some things to discuss.” Alex is angry.

No we don’t.
I don’t.

Alex shoves a notebook at me.
Alex shoves a pen at me.

“I don’t know why you’re so pissed off at me, I’m not your boyfriend and you’re not my girlfriend. I can do whatever I want with whoever I want.”

‘Why’d you tell people I was?’

“I lived with you this summer! What was I supposed to tell people, that I was living with my neighbors because I get the shit beat out of me when I stay at home? What would people think?” Alex is yelling now.

‘What about everything else?’

His eyes look like mud puddles.
His hair looks like straw.
His skin looks dirty.

“I knew this would happen, I knew you turn into some psychopath! This real life, Carson. This isn’t one of your books where every little thing a guy does mean he’s in love with a girl! This is the real world; guys don’t want to fall in love with you…they just want to fuck you. And guess what, I did that and now you’re going to school and I don’t have to deal with you anymore. You’ll be too busy dancing.” Alex laughed cruelly. “You’re never going to get anywhere with dancing. You’re just wasting your time.”

Everything he did for me was a trap.

I feel used.
I feel dirty.
I feel unwanted.

I am crying now.
I am crying now and I can’t stop.

Through my tears I watch Alex leave.
Through my tears it looks like he’s smiling.
Through my tears he vanishes out the window.

I’m not going to let him win.
I’m going to win this time.

I’m making a point to be better off without.
I’m making a point to practice harder.
I’m making a point to be the best.
I’m making a point to throw this in his face.

I’ll show him.

I can be strong.
I can be independent.
I can be the best there ever was.

I’ll really show him.

I’ll get on stage and dance in front of hundreds of people.
I’ll get on stage and be the most elegant and graceful dancer alive.
I’ll get on stage and be adored by everyone.

I’m Carson McCoy.
I’m about to be the best.