You're Gonna Love Me

Sex. It’s severely overrated. Everyone makes it out to be this big, incredible thing you do with that ‘one special person’. But really, that’s just a load of bullshit. At least in my opinion anyway, and considering that’s how I’ve been spending the majority of my free time for the past two weeks - and then for years before that -, I’d say I’m a pretty reliable source. Of course it does depend on the person, generally I find men better than women… but I suppose that comes from being gay. (And yes, I realize the faux pas there, but let’s be honest, I really don’t care about gender when it comes to getting a cheap fuck.) And it also depends on the mood of the people, but we really don’t need to get into all of this. My main point here is that my life has become a great big black swallowing hole of depression, and I’ve nothing left to live for.

Slipping back into what I used to be was the easiest thing in the world. And before I knew it, I was back to drinking myself into oblivion and whoring myself away, to fill the great sucking black hole that used to hold Gerard's presence.
Part of the reason I let myself go back was in the hope he'd notice, and feel compelled to help me. But mostly, I just didn't know what else to do. This was the person that everyone had always been so convinced I was, so I supposed I had to live up to the expectation. I don't like to disappoint anyone... of course I did consider that my actions could disappoint Gerard. But I pushed that thought away as quickly as it had come, refusing to let him be the sole purpose for my actions, desperate to push him to the back of my mind. Or at least make it seem as though his existence was irrelevant to me.

I know what you're thinking. We've been here before? Right? Well yes, I suppose we have. And I'm probably getting repetitive and annoying, but quite frankly, I don't care. Repetitive and annoying are pretty much the two words that best sum up my life right now, and honestly, I'm running out of options. I need him in my life, there's no denying that anymore, and I don't care how many times I have to go through the same bullshit. I'm going to get him back.

* * *

“Frank? Frank!” My eyes snapped open just as Mikey tossed another handful of fries across the table, the majority of them just narrowly missing my face, luckily Mikey doesn’t have the best aim, otherwise I probably would have ended up with salt in my eyes.

“What?” I mumbled, lifting my head from my arms slightly, still slouching over the table.

“Seriously dude, I was contemplating throwing my burger at you, and that’s just a waste of food.”

“And all this isn’t?” I asked, gesturing the fries that were scattered around the table, he shrugged and bit into his burger.

“So,” he began, his mouth full. “I’ve been thinking…”

And then I zoned out again, letting myself drift back into the comfort of my own head. I had no real interest in Mikey, or his algebraic theories, or whatever other pointless aspect of homework he was rambling about. It’s not like I had any intentions of doing it, so why did I need to listen? What I really needed, was sleep. Something I hadn’t been getting much of over the past few weeks. But being the neighborhood’s only free prostitute does that to you I suppose.

I glanced up again, watching his mouth move, not being able to concentrate enough on the actual sounds coming from it. Mikey and I had spent an awful lot of time together recently. I have two theories, he feels sorry for me, or he just wants to keep me away from Gerard… I’m betting on the latter. Let’s be honest here, he’s never exactly approved.
But the more time I spend with Mikey, the more of Gerard I see in him, for starters, they’re practically identical. Just take away Mikey’s glasses, give them both a haircut, and dress ‘em up the same, and you probably couldn’t tell the difference. But then there’s the little things too like their love for coffee and comic books and just their general nerdiness, even their hand gestures and expressions. I’d never really realized before, but it was actually kinda insane just how alike they were.

I miss those little things… shit, that makes me sound like I care… and while I’m at it, I should probably stop staring at Mikey, just in case he notices and assumes I’ve moved on to him, of course he’s too absorbed in his monologue to notice. I don’t even particularly know why I was dragged out of the comfort of my bed and all the way to McDonalds in the first place. I sighed and pushed myself away from the table, sitting upright in my seat.

“Mikey,” I interrupted, “Why exactly are we here?” I asked, he frowned and I rolled my eyes before rephrasing. “Why did you drag me here?” I asked, gesturing around the room, “Whatever you wanted to say, you could have said over the phone.” I told him.

“Y’know, ever since you got ditched, you’ve been even moodier than usual.” He snapped, quickly scrunching up his wrappers. He pushed himself up and headed over to toss them into the bin, before returning to his seat.

“Look, I’m just asking, because quite frankly, we haven’t really discussed… anything. And you couldn’t have brought me here to eat, because, in case you forgot, I’m a vegetarian! Now what do you want?”

“Actually, I brought you here because I wanted to eat, and because… well I thought you might be lonely.” He admitted.

“Yeah? Well I’m not, okay? So can I go now?” I asked rhetorically, making to get up.

“You’re lying.” Mikey stated, making me pause. I hesitated for a moment, before settling back into my seat with a sigh. “I know you miss him, and I now that I’m not him, but I am a friend, Frank. Something you don’t have many of. I know I’ve never really acted like it, but, well, I do care,” he told me.

I watched him for a moment; he’d never said anything like that to me, ever. And I don’t know how I could tell, but I knew he wasn’t lying. I quickly pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind, and spoke, my tone uncaring.

“Thanks, now if we’re done being soppy,” I replied and pushed myself up, heading for the door and sighing when I realised that he was only a few steps beside me, ignoring the twinge I felt in my chest.
Someone cared.

“He misses you too, you know?” He told me, and my pace slowed briefly. “Look, I-“

“Mikey!” I interrupted, spinning around to face him. “If you’re really my friend, then you’ll stop talking, because honestly, I just want him out of my head!” I exclaimed, not believing a word of it myself. He sighed.

“Fine. So I guess that means you won’t want to stay over Friday night?” he asked, “we were gonna get takeout and have a movie marathon,” he smiled.

“Not particularly,” I lied as I turned away from him and started walking again.

“Oh come on, I’ll help write your English essay,” he suggested, quickly catching up to me. I sighed and after a moments hesitation, nodded. I did need help with that paper, and maybe actually being real friends with Mikey would be good for me…. And I needed to be around Gerard, even if we weren’t speaking.