You're Gonna Love Me

“Are you okay?” Gerard asked as he finally flipped his Chemistry book shut and turned around to face me. “You’ve been quiet all afternoon.” He observed. I shrugged, leaning back against the wall. He frowned, but before he could ask another question, I quickly gave him a request of my own.

“Tell me about you,”

“You already know everything there is to know about me,” he replied, his tone slightly confused.

“I know little things, like your favorite color, or what you get at Starbucks, but I mean, the big things, the future… the past.”

“Well I don’t have a time machine, so I can’t really tell you anything about my future, and past… well it was just like every other kid in Belleville, there’s really nothing to tell.” He told me, I sighed inwardly.

“Liar,” I whispered and he frowned again. “What happened to you?” I asked quietly, my tone almost pleading. He sighed.

“Frank, what is this really about?” he asked, I hesitated for a moment, deliberating on just what to say, and more importantly how. But before I could make any rational decisions, I found myself on my feet.

“This is about you not being honest with me!” I exclaimed, “You feel something for me, and it’s not just as a friend!” I told him, he sighed.

“Fra-.”

“No! Look I’m sorry okay, but you are about as straight as I am! And you can deny it all you want, but I know the truth! You feel something! Now I don’t know what happened to you, but I can’t understand why you don’t trust me enough to tell me! And more importantly, why you can’t just give us a chance?” I exclaimed, slowly beginning to feel tears building up behind my eyes.

“Frank, I do trust you,” he replied calmly, “But I’m not-.”

“Don’t you dare say you’re not like me, Gerard Way, because that is the biggest fucking lie you could ever spin me.” I said through gritted teeth. “You have feelings for me, so why won’t you just admit it?” I demanded.

“I can’t!” he shouted, flinging himself onto his feet.

“Why not?” I screamed back, “Are you thatworried about your reputation? And what people at school will think? Or am I just not good enough for you?” I spat, as the first tear slowly slid down my cheek. I quickly blinked, trying to push back any others.

“Don’t say that,” he whispered as he slowly dropped back into his seat. “It’s not like that.”

“Then admit it,” I told him, my voice finally relaxing back to it’s normal volume. “Just say it,” I practically begged, still trying to blink back tears, but every time I did, my vision just blurred more.

“I can’t.” came his whispered reply. I shook my head, and the second tear fell.

“I’m not doing this,” I muttered. “I knew this was a bad idea. I should never have thought that we could be friends again. I shouldn’t have… I… I can’t. I can’t put myself through this anymore. It hurts too much,” I finished in a whisper, and rushed for the door before the tears could fall.

“Frank, no!” His hand reached out to catch my arm, forcing me to stop. He was back on his feet again as he slowly pulled me back around to face him. I refused to look him in the eye, not wanting him to see the tears that were slowly sliding down my cheeks. “Please, let me explain.” He begged.

* * *

I sat, cross legged on his bed, my gaze falling onto the floor, as I still refused to let him see me this way. He slowly sank back into his seat, pulling himself towards the bed, until he was sat right in front of me. My name spilled softly from his lips, and I found myself tilting my head to look at him, he bit his lip, slowly reaching out to wipe the tears from my face. He dropped his hand again and sighed, taking a deep breath before he spoke again.

“I was fifteen. I was in love… or, I thought I was, now I guess it was more of an infatuation. I thought he was the most perfect thing to ever walk the earth,” he began, and one word quickly grabbed my attention

“H-he?” I stuttered, my eyes wide, he nodded a gentle smile on his face.

“I used to be as out and proud as you were. I didn’t care. I knew who I was, and I didn’t hide from it, and then I found him and… everything just fell into place. His name was Caleb, he was in his senior year at the time, and… he was… amazing, y’know? Everything you could want, he was sweet, smart, funny, and probably as far in the closet as you could get,” he explained, I frowned in confusion. “He was a jock,” he continued, “And he didn’t want anyone knowing about his... sexuality, so we dated in secret, and in school, we’d ignore each other, act like we didn’t even know the other existed. I hated it,” he admitted, “It always made me felt like… he was ashamed of me, but I cared about him so much, that I just went along with it.” He sighed, his eyes glazing over as he relived the memories.

“And then eventually people in school started to find out that I was gay. I didn’t mind, like I said. I knew who I was, but Caleb had this constant fear that people would find out about him through me, so we kept things even more secret, we only ever met at my house, and it always had to be late at night. He came and went through the back door, just in case someone saw.” He smiled, I assumed at a memory, and my stomach dropped slightly.

“I got taunted. A lot. People called me names; shouted abuse at me as I walked down the corridors… beat me up." My gaze flickered to the slowly fading bruises on his face. "Usually I could handle it. Until he got involved. He used to tell me that he had no choice. That he had to keep up the pretense. It killed me, having to wake up every morning, and know I was going to go to school and get beaten up, by my boyfriend, for being gay.” He swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment.

“At first, he used to take me to all these amazing places, made me feel special, to make up for it. And I forgave him, naturally. But then he started to get a kick out of it. Out of hurting me. It became a game for him. It stopped being about, keeping up pretenses, and just ended up being his sick little fantasy.” A single tear slowly slid from the corner of his eyelid, he quickly reached up to brush it away, clearing his throat.

“So I got out. Broke up with him, transferred schools, and started over, pushing myself back into the closet. I didn’t want to go through that again. I’d rather have lived a lie, and known I was safe, then been honest about who I was and have to go through that again… and then you showed up.” My eyes locked with his for a moment, and he smiled, his eyes still wet with tears. “I tried everything to keep you out of my head, to keep myself from falling. Or at least to keep you from realizing… but you already knew. But I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t risk going through that again, or worse, putting you through that. None of this was ever about you. As far as I’m concerned, you can do no wrong in my eyes… even when you’re being a complete asshole,” he chuckled. “I just… I couldn’t risk it.” He added softly. “I can’t risk it.”

My stomach plummeted again, even after all of that; he still couldn’t be honest with me. I took a deep shaky breath.

“And what about me?” I asked, my eyes filling with tears once more. “Don’t you get just how much this has been killing me? All I want is you. All I’m ever going to want is you. I love you, goddamnnit!” I exclaimed his eyes widened.

“Y-you wh-what?” he stuttered.

“I love you,” I repeated weakly, finally realizing that Mikey had been right. I was in love with Gerard. I mean, I’d never been in love before, but this sure as hell felt the way they described it in the movies. “But honestly, right now I feel like you’re ashamed of me.” I admitted. “I feel like you don’t think I’m good enough to be with you. We both know how you feel. So what is so wrong with me, that you just can’t be open about it?” I asked, letting him see the tears fall this time. I didn’t care anymore.

“Frank, please,” he begged sadly.

“I just can’t understand why you can’t give it a chance. Give us a chance… clearly I’m just not worth the risk,” I whispered.

“Frank, please don’t do this,” he moaned. “You know that’s not true.”

“Then why can’t we just try?” I asked, my tear filled eyes pleading with his, which were glistening themselves. He sighed and reached forward, pulling me into a tight hug. “Please,” I begged, he moaned into my shoulder.

“I can’t, Frank. I can’t!” he replied apologetically, and I slowly pulled out of the embrace, wiping my eyes with my sleeve as I tried to ignore the way my heart was thrumming against my chest.

“Then I can’t be here anymore.” I told him.

“Frank, no-.” he started as I pushed myself up, reluctantly heading for the door. I didn’t want to leave, but I couldn’t put myself through anymore pain… and I didn’t want to put him through any either. I had to leave, it was the right thing, for both of us.

“Frank, please.” His hand was on the door, blocking my way out.

“Gerard, I can’t do this!” I told him, “It thought I could, but… I can’t act like I’m okay with just being your friend, because I’m not. I’m sorry, but I’m always going to want more from you… and you’re never going to give it.”

“But-.”

“Gerard, please. I-I don’t want to talk about this anymore, I can’t. And if you care about me at all, you’ll let me go.” I finished, half-whispering. He bit his lip, squeezing his eyes shut tightly for a moment before they fluttered open again, his gaze switched to the floor.

“So this is it?” he asked.

“It has to be.” He lifted his head slightly, his gaze still not meeting mine, before his hand slowly slid from the door, dropping back down to by his side, where it swung lifelessly for a moment, before coming to a stop. I hesitated for a moment, my gaze flitting around the room for one last time, before my hand found the door handle, and I slowly headed for the stairs, almost having to drag myself away.

“Frank.” His hoarse voice stopped me mid-staircase, and I turned back to see his tear-stained face, his eyes locking with mine as he opened his mouth to speak, stuttering for a moment as he desperately tried to form the words. I forced a weak smile onto my face and spoke.

“I know.” And with those two final words, I turned, leaving almost everything that meant anything to me, behind.