Silence You Lost Me

Brian and I sat in the living room, drinking. Now, no I didn’t really have a reason to drink but the only thought that pressed on my mind hurt me.

They’re leaving tomorrow.

Matt is probably mad at me for what I did.

Why is Brian staring at me like that?

What happens if Frank comes over tomorrow?

Will Brian be able to control him?

They’re leaving tomorrow!

I’d lost count of how many drinks I had but I know for a fact that I could hold my own.

“You alright?” Brian spoke up for the first time in ten minutes.

I sighed, placing my glass down, feeling a bit dizzy. I stood shakily, stumbling over to the other couch which Brian sat on. He took hold of my arm, easing me to the couch. I could tell he was worried about me but I hoped to shake off that feeling.

“Brian,” I breathed, adjusting myself on his lap. He groaned softly.

“Yes?”

“Do you have to leave tomorrow?” I played with his dark hair, resting my head on his shoulder and breathing in his scent.

“Well…” he began, “do you want to know how it works?”

“Mmmhm.”

He played with the hem of my shirt, “before we start the tour, they set up the dates and they set up how long it will take to get there. There are some shows when we have no down-time. Get in there, play, go to the bar, get back on the bus, sleep, wake up, and we have another venue to play in a few hours.” His voice was deep and calming, “But some shows, like the one here, we have a few days of down-time. But we have a scheduled day that we have to be back on the road. For this time, that day is tomorrow at noon.”

“Oh.”

“So, sadly, we do have to leave…” he cooed, “are you gonna be alright?”

I pondered this. Would I be? I mean, I did something I’ve never done before: had sex with a client. Now, I didn’t feel like a prostitute after, don’t get me wrong. I mean, it was M. Shadows for God’s sake! Any girl would want that. And, fuck, he was good…

But I got in some serious trouble and the trouble still waits. Tomorrow, Frank is coming back. Only a few hours away… I’m lucky to have Brian here with me, but I still can’t help that nervous gut-wrenching feeling that I’ve gotten.

Brian was staring at me because of my silence and he repeated himself, “are you gonna be alright?”

I pulled closer to him, if that was even possible. I wondered if I could hide inside of him, be protected from the rest of the world for the remainder of my life. You see, I never felt this before; I never had people who would back me up the instant a tear rolled off my cheek. Yes, it was true that I had Mila and Adalyn, but they couldn’t protect me as well as a man the size of Matt!

“No.” I whispered, my face inching closer to Brian’s neck.

“No?” he questioned, sitting up straighter and about to turn and look at me. That is, until I bit him. I began nibbling on his neck softly as he moaned, “T-Trin…wha-”

I placed a finger to his lips to quiet him. I hated feeling vulnerable. I hated having people worry about me and care so much; I was nothing to them before they met me and I’ll be nothing to them when they leave. Vulnerability ceases when I’m dancing, when I’m doing my job; being the stripper that I am. So, if that’s when it’s gone, then that’s the mind-frame I’m going to have to put myself in tonight, just to get by…

“Brian…” I began, considering if I should explain that to him, “I know you’re here for me, just like the rest of the band but I hate this feeling. So stop fawning over me, alright? I’ll have to deal with it. I dealt before you got here, so I’ll be fine later.”

“But, you never fucked a guy on the job. That’s gonna get you some shit from your boss, right?”

“Yeah, I’ve got scars and I can deal with this on my own.”

“No. We won’t let you. Not only me and the others, but especially not Matt. You don’t deserve this.”

“I fucked a guy on the job, Brian. That’s kinda not what I’m supposed to be getting paid for.” I’d stopped kissing his neck when this conversation got more serious.

“So what? It’s your time.” I could tell Brian was losing this little debate.

“Nope, I’m still on the clock; still Frank’s time. He ‘owns’ me, remember?” I felt Brian’s fingers trace of the three x’s on the back of my neck and I shivered.

“No one owns you.” he whispered softly. I was beginning to feel vulnerable again so I went back to kissing his neck at which he just moaned, “Trinity?”

“Hmm?” I purred.

“W-what about Matt?”

“Am I dating him?”

“Well, no…”

“Then is there a problem?” I looked up at him. His eyes darted back and forth from mine, and then he pulled me into a kiss. Our tongues laced together and I wondered what I was doing.

No, I don’t like the feeling I had, but that doesn’t make it right to sleep with Brian.

“Fuck, Trinity…” he moaned as I ground my hips into his. He picked me up, the alcohol soon forgotten as I wrapped my legs around him and was carried upstairs to my bedroom.

He fumbled for the light, still holding me, and tossed me on the bed. I giggled as he climbed on top of me, struggling with my shirt. Soon, I was just in my thong and bra. I watched him take in my body like he did the day at the strip club. I quickly undressed him as well; down to the boxers because I was feeling left out of something special…

“Brian?” I asked as he continued to stare.

“Huh? Oh, sorry…got distracted…” he flicked my belly ring lightly and began kissing my neck, “how much did that hurt?”

“Hm?”

“The piercing.”

I sighed, giggling into his bare chest, “would you just shut up already? Do you make small talk with all the girls you want to do?”

“Well, until we’re in bed, then…” he drifted off.

“So, I’m just special then?” I inquired.

He smirked, “something like that.”

Satisfied with the answer, I started kissing down his chest, when I reached his stomach, he stopped me by lifting my chin with his forefinger.

“What’s wrong?” I questioned.

He closed his eyes for a second, seemingly thinking, “I’m just…not entirely sure I’m comfortable.”

“Oh, alright.” I lay back, about to lie under the covers of my bed.

“I meant with my stomach…”

“What?”

“Well, how would you feel? I mean, I never take my shirt off.” He was beginning to sound like an insecure teenaged girl… “I’m not as tone as Matt. How would you feel, standing next to Macho!? With his six-pack and his huge biceps and the dimples that every girl goes crazy over?” he was rambling so I stopped him with a kiss. “And…”

“Shut up already, would you?” I muttered.

“What?”

“You’re Synyster fucking Gates! Come on!”

He looked at me and shook his head, “I’m sorry. I’m never like this. It’s just that…usually; the girls I fuck are fans or something. I’ve never had too much experience with girls that are friends before fuck buddies.”

“So?”

“So, they all love me because I’m a rock star, not for who I am.” He paused, “I sound fucking stupid. I should be in a God damn soap opera. But, I’ve never really told anyone this…” he paused, “it kills me because of how Matt looks. That dude has some serious muscle and I’ve got…” he grabbed his stomach, “fat.”

“You’re not fat.” I sighed, “sure you don’t have a six-pack but you’re not fat!” I leaned down and kissed his stomach. “Trust me.”

He sighed, “Thanks. You’re really sweet, has anyone ever told you that?” I giggled.

“Yep. But I usually hit them right after.” I joked, kissing him again. I felt his insecurities through the kiss and I realized, “You’re just nervous because I’ve had Matt before, is that it?”

He paused, staring at me shocked, “How’d you…” he sighed, “yes. I’ve never had a girl who’s had Matt before and I’m just fucked up that you’ll compare.”

I pushed him down, his back on the bed as he looked up at me, his head on my pillow, “I don’t care.” I straddled his waist, “I’d never compare you two.” And I kissed him again.

“Thanks.”

I nodded, “But we better get some sleep, yeah?” I stood up and changed my panties after I turned off the light. Then I climbed in bed with Brian. He wrapped his arm around me and I rest my head on his chest, needing comfort.

My mind was drifting off to tomorrow. Frank would come and then what? Would he try to kill me again?

“Hey,” Brian spoke up. I looked at him though it was useless in the pitch-black room, “can I see your back?” That’s right; this whole time, he’s only seen my front…

I nodded, again, useless, then made my way to the light switch. I turned it on and Brian came over to me. I turned away, tears filling my eyes as I felt his hand softly trace over the bruises, cuts, and scars.

“Oh, Trinity…” he whispered soothingly, “sweetie…” I sobbed lightly. I’d tried to hold it in, but this was unbearable. Sure, I fucked up at work, but that didn’t give my boss the right to beat me! It hadn’t given him the right when I’d gotten the x’s on my neck either…but that was a story for another day. Brian turned me, feeling that long raised scar on my arm that Matt had seen at the beach, “Trinity, that one’s old. What’s that from?”

I paused, “I’ll have to tell you some other time, Brian. That’s…something most people I know don’t even know about. I’ll tell you this: it somewhat mixes with the x’s on my neck.”

“But we’re leaving tomorrow…” Brian whispered.

“I’ll tell you next time we meet.” I sighed, turning off the light and leading Brian back to the bed so as he didn’t trip over something.

“You know, I wouldn’t judge you. Not ever.”

“I know that, Brian.” I whispered, “I know.” A single tear fell from my eye, landing on Brian’s chest.

He held me tighter, afraid to hurt my bruises.

I wouldn’t tell him that it wouldn’t matter if he did. I wouldn’t tell him that this was the safest I’ve felt all my life.

And I sure as hell wouldn’t tell him that I missed Matt…