You Don't Know A Thing About My Sins

-OneWeekLater-

Mikey hadn't visited for one whole week.

I started thinking that maybe it was because he'd found out and he didn't want to come near me...but considering how his last two visits ended, maybe he just didn't want the pain of me screaming at him to get out any longer. I sighed and looked down at the piece of paper I was drawing on. I was actually in the middle of my second 'session' with Denis. He'd told me that because maybe I wasn't comfortable with telling him in words about how I felt, maybe I'd feel better drawing a picture.

I finished the last bit of shading that I needed to do, put the pencil down and admired my work. I'd drawn a picture of myself and Mikey sat down with eachother, hand in hand, looking at one another and smiling.

"Have you finished Mr. Way?" Denis asked, taking me from my thoughts.

"Um yeah..." I muttered, handing him the piece of paper.

"Well Mr. Way, you're a very excellent artist...but urm, who exactly are these two people?" he asked me, staring up at me.

I sighed...I think it's about time I just told him.

"Me and my brother..." I said.

Denis furrowed his eyebrows, "...holding hands?"

"Yes...if you really want to know...this is why I'm in here...I love my brother...but not in the brotherly sort of way...I'm...in love with him." I explained.

Denis's expression was quite amusing. He had a look of shock, disgust and complete confusion plastered all over his face.

He coughed, "Well Mr. Way...I'm glad we've finally managed to get you to admit this..." he rambled on a bit more but I didn't listen to him.

"I think...I think I might just go call him up and tell him..." I said, not even realising that I'd let it slip out.

"Excuse me?"

"I'll be right back..." I told him, getting up from my seat and rushing towards the door.

I ran through the corridors, all my emotions and feelings were whizzing around my head but now it was like I finally could see sense. I was just going to call Mikey and tell him how I felt. I found myself at one of the phones near the reception desk and before I knew it I'd already dialled Mikey's number and it had started to ring.

"Hello?" came Mikey's voice as he answered the phone.

"Hey Mikey...it's Gerard!" I exclaimed. I felt a little giddy...as if I was high.

"Um...hey Gee, what's up?" he asked me.

"I've finally decided to tell you why I'm here!" I shouted, not caring who heard me.

"Really!?! Good!!!" came Mikey's happy reply.

"I love you Mikey!"

"Uh...I love you too Gee..."

"No, I mean...I love you. I want to be with you, hold you and kiss you..."

"Gerard...are you sure you're okay...do you even know what you're saying!?!" Mikey asked me, seeming a little shocked.

Well I guess you would be if your brother randomly called you up and confessed his undying love for you.

"I know every word that I'm saying Mikey...I really mean it! I'm telling you the truth!" I exclaimed, finally feeling like I had a big weight lifted from me.

All this time I'd kept it a secret, now he finally kn -

"Mr. Way!? Are you okay?"

"Huh? What?"

"Are you alright, you zoned out for a moment there...are you ill? Would you like to go back to your room and continue this next time?" Denis asked me.

"Yeah, that's a good idea..." I said, standing up and handing him back the pencil and paper and walking out of the room.

It was all another one of my daydreams, it wasn't real...I hadn't told him...I still had this secret weighing me down. I sighed for what seemed like the millionth time this past week and walked into my room, closing the door behind me and laying down on the bed. But it felt so real...now as I was laid down, looking up at the ceiling...everything seemed so unreal...as if I was still in one of my daydreams. I just don't know what's going on anymore. I think I need to talk to Mikey...not tell him anything...I just want to hear his voice.

I got up from my bed, I felt a little dizzy so I walked slowly to my door, holding onto whatever was closest for support. I opened my door and walked down the corridor towards the same phone in my daydream. I picked up the reciever and listened to the dial tone ring constantly in my ears as I shakily punched in Mikey's number. The phone started to ring.

"Hello?" came Mikey's sweet voice.

"Hey Mikey!" I replied, trying to hide my sadness and act happier.

"Oh hey Gee! It's nice to hear from you! How've you been?"

"I've been good...you?"

"Better than usual...sorry I haven't come to visit, I was actually gonna come later to tell you some great news!" He actually seemed genually happy, not the fake happy that I noticed the other day.

"What great news?" I asked.

You love me. You're gonna tell me that you love me. You love me like I love you.

"I have a girlfriend!" Mikey announced.

I seriously think all my insides just fell out onto the floor.

"You d-do? Who is it?" I questioned, surely now he could notice that I wasn't happy.

"Alicia Simmons, she just came back from touring with From First To Last. She called me and we met up and went out for dinner...and then the other day I just asked her out and she said yes!"

I wanted to burst into tears right now. This cannot be happening. Keep it together, I have to be happy for my brother.

"That's g-great! My baby brother has a girlfriend...I thought I'd never see the day!" I joked, only just managing to hold back my tears.

"Shut up Gee! You're just jealous haha! Anyway I don't think I can make it today, maybe tomorrow?" he asked me.

"Uh yeah sure...that'd be nice." I muttered back quietly.

"You okay Gee?"

"Yeah...I'm just a bit tired."

"Aww...well, go get some rest!"

"Okay..."

There was a pause, Mikey hadn't hung up and neither had I...I was just seriously considering whether I should say the next thing that I wanted to say.

"I...I love you Mikey..." I managed to choke out.

"I love you too Gerard!" he replied.

It was nice to hear him say that...but his just didn't have that same meaning behind it that I wanted it to have.

Not brotherly love. Actual love.

"Bye Mikey..."

"See ya tomorrow Gee!" he replied and with that, he hung up.

Well...now there was no hope of being with him at all. At least before he had a girlfriend, even though it was illegal, it was possible...but I know how much he likes her and he's liked her for quite a while. Nothing can end this. Not even me, his own brother, can end his relationship. I wouldn't want to anyway because I'd feel so guilty in myself. She deserves to be with Mikey, she's a lovely girl and Mikey deserves her too. But I envy her so much for having the love from my brother that I so desperately long for.

I walked silently back to my room but I didn't cry. Tears couldn't even begin to show what pain I was now feeling.