It's Not A Love Song

I sat on my bed, tapping a pen against my sketch book while I watched ‘90210’ on the TV on the wall opposite me. It was episodes I had already seen so I wasn’t paying much attention to whatever was on the screen.

I wanted to go and talk to Joe, I wanted us to be friends again but I couldn’t. He completely betrayed my trust and embarrassed me in front of both our families. I couldn’t get my head around his new actions. Maybe we were growing apart? Friends do that all the time, it’s just part of life as a teenager and a part of growing up.

But I didn’t want to lose him. I’d lost enough.

The alarm clock beside my bed beeped, letting me know it was 01:51 on the 31st June 2009. Ten years had passed since my father died to this exact minute.

I pushed the cover from my body and wandered over to the balcony then leaned against the railings. The cool night air hit my face as I looked up into the Texas night sky that twinkled. One shone brighter than all the others. I smiled at it and closed my eyes, letting a gust of wind encircle my body as if to hold me. It left me once again, leaving me to my thoughts of safety and sadness.

This happened every year, but usually Joe would be asleep in my bed. But not this time, this time was harder for me. A decade was long and seemed longer whenever I thought about it.

“Star light, star bright…” I sung to my self, a few tears rolling down my cheeks. “First star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might. Have the wish I wish tonight. We’ll make a wish and do as dreamers do.”

“Do as dreamers do…” Joe sang from behind me.

He shocked me a bit but I carried on, “And all our wishes…”

“All our wishes…”

I turned to face him, “Will come true.” I finished and looked at him.

“You didn’t think I’d forget did you?” Joe looked at me sadly, he never did like to see me cry. I wiped the tears from my cheeks with the sleeve of my shirt and folded my arms over my chest.

I shook my head and frowned at him, “I’m seventeen Joe. I don’t need you to hold my hand.” I snapped and walked back into my room.

I climbed into bed and began to watch 90210, not really knowing what was going on. Joe switched off the TV and I sighed. “Yes you do need me.”

He came over to me and crawled onto the bed. I stubbornly looked away from him, hoping to get a false message across. I shuddered when I felt his fingers brush against my cheek, making me reluctantly look at him.

His eyes shone as they looked at me, I couldn’t hold it. He made me weak. Tears flooded my eyes as he gave me a sympathetic smile as they fell down my cheeks. Joe smiled, kind of happy that I’d given in. But nonetheless he pulled me against his chest and slowly lowered the both of us to the bed. I cried into his chest as he stroked my hair softly, murmuring words of encouragement into my ear.

He stayed with me until three in the morning then left me half asleep. But as soon as he disappeared I was wide awake. By five in the morning I knew I had no chance of sleeping without Joe being near me, or at least one Jonas.

Joe’s door was slightly open, I pushed it gently and walked over to his bed; my blanket wrapped around my shoulders. I shook Joe’s shoulder, “Joe…” I whispered loudly.

He rolled over to face me and I jumped, it wasn’t Joe. It was a girl, his new girlfriend. “Huh?” She grumbled.

“Oh my god! So sorry.” I stuttered out backing away from the bed.

Joe rolled over, spooning his awake girlfriend and he was awake. “Juliana?” He grumbled.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had someone over… I’ll just go to Nick. Sorry.” I walked away shocked and scared… mostly embarrassed that I’d actually imposed on that.

I closed the door slightly and took a deep breath. I placed my hand on my erratically beating heart and went to walk away. A familiar hand was placed on my shoulder causing me to jump again.

I turned to face Joe who stood in some boxers with dishevelled hair and half closed eyes, “Do you need me?” He asked in his hoarse voice.

“No, its fine… go to sleep. I-I’ll go see Nick.” I smiled to him and walked away quickly to Nick’s room.

Once in Nick’s room I approached his sleeping body nervously. He propped his head on his arm and lay on his side, fast asleep. So, I peeled back the cover and climbed into his soft memory foam bed. He must have felt me climb in because he rolled over to look at me, still asleep. Nick gradually opened his eyes but didn’t seem shocked.

“Olivia is over, I forgot.” Nick grumbled, he stretched out his arms around me and shuffled so I was close to his body.

“Thanks Nick.” I mumbled closing my eyes.

I finally fell asleep, but in the wrong arms. I felt discouraged that Joe didn’t ditch ‘Olivia’ for me, it made me contemplate his priorities. But I’d let it slide, as far as I knew she didn’t stay over often. Which led to the question, why would he invite her over on this specific night? The one night a year he always devoted to me.

Maybe I was just being selfish, or maybe I was over reacting like he said. I didn’t know what was going on with him, or us to be more precise. I hoped we’d bounce back from it.

The next morning I rolled out of Nick’s bed quietly, leaving him to sleep, and went back to my bedroom. I changed into a purple dress with red prints on and some red flats. I applied some foundation and mascara then stuck my hand in my hair and messed it around until I was happy with the volume. I then shoved some ray bans into my hair and hurried downstairs to the smell of pancakes.

I smiled, at least he hadn’t forgotten to make me breakfast. “Mmm, smells nice.” I exclaimed as I walked into the kitchen.

But, my stomach dropped as I saw my pancakes on Olivia’s plate and no mixture left in the bowl. “Oh shit, I forgot.” Joe exclaimed.

“Surprise...” I mumbled going to the pantry and grabbing a breakfast bar. “No problem Joe, I’m guessing you forgot about where you’re supposed to be taking me today. But don’t worry, I’ll just get someone else to do it seeming as you’re too busy.”

“I didn’t forget!” He shouted to me as I walked out the door.

“Yes you did!” I shouted back angrily.

I kicked off my shoes and joined Denise on the sofa watching a cooking show that I had no interest in while I ate my ‘breakfast’.

Denise looked at me with a smile, “Joe annoying you?” I nodded and took another bite of my breakfast bar, Denise laughed, “He’s just caught up with Olivia. She’s a lovely girl, she’s cooking us lunch today.”

“Wonderful.” I mumbled to myself, rolling my eyes.

“Sweetie, give her a chance. She’s worried that you won’t like her, that’s why she’s doing this.” Denise stroked the side of my cheek lovingly. “Give her a chance.” She looked down to the packet in my hand, “And go and put that in the bin.”

I grinned and kissed Denise’s cheek. “I will, but only because you asked me to.”

I left Denise in thought I was going to see Joe and Olivia but instead I went to the music room to finish off my song. I lay on my back with the guitar on my stomach and the tune in my head. I began to strum for the bridge and sang a new chorus then the new lyrics I had in my mind.

Take me back to the creek beds we turned up
Two A.M. riding in your truck and all I need is you next to me
Take me back to the time we had our very first fight
The slamming of doors instead of kissing goodnight
You stayed outside til the morning light
Oh my my my my

I scribbled that down onto my notebook then scribbled a rough of the rest of the song down underneath it. The rest of the song was a bit far fetched but I didn’t care, it was a song…

A few years had gone and come around
We were sitting at our favorite spot in town
And you looked at me, got down on one knee

Take me back to the time when we walked down the aisle
Our whole town came and our mamas cried
You said I do and I did too
Take me home where we met so many years before
We'll rock our babies on that very front porch
After all this time, you and I

I'll be eighty-seven; you'll be eighty-nine
I'll still look at you like the stars that shine
In the sky, oh my my my...

I smiled, happy I’d finished the song. I played it to my self one more time then scribbled down the chords in case I forgot them which was likely for me anyways. I’d write numerous songs in a day, some good, some terrible but either way it was good fun; more entertaining than keeping a journal as I cannot force myself to write in it all the time, every day. It’s just so tiring.

As I thought more about Joe and his new girlfriend I decided that Denise was right. Who am I to judge a girl I woke up in the middle of the night and ate my pancakes?

I’m no one, that’s who.

So I had to give it a shot or else I could regret it. I had to swallow my enormous pride and kick myself up the ass. Joe called that lunch was ready just after I had stood up to go and see him and his girlfriend. I took the stairs two at a time and arrived on the first floor. Everyone was walking into the dining room so I followed suit behind Nick who threw his arm over my shoulder.

I smiled at him and sat beside him. In the middle of the table was a silver platter covered over by a matching silver lid. Around it were numerous bowls of vegetables, bits of green salad like things surrounded all the bowls in the middle of the table.

“Are we grazing?” I whispered to Nick with a smile, he chuckled and everyone looked to us.

“What’s the joke?” Kevin asked smiling at us.

I cleared my throat, “Nothing. Smells…. nice.” I lied with a grin. Olivia smiled brightly at me and leaned forward, she wrapped her fingers around the handle and pulled it away.

On the platter sat a lump of mashed up meat surrounded by some more green grass like food. “Ah! Is it dead?” Frankie shouted picking up his knife.

I burst out laughing at him, loudly and obnoxiously I might add, I was the only one laughing but I could see everyone with a slight smile on their face… even Joe.

“Yes Frankie… it’s…” Denise said looking at the food in the middle of the table, “It’s…”

“Haggis.” Olivia added sharply, “I’m half Scottish, we eat this all the time at home.” She smiled with her perfectly white and straight teeth. “Dig in!” She announced happily to us.

“Sure.” I said along with everyone else as we reached for the meat, not wanting to be rude.

Nick leaned to me and whispered, “Do we have to eat it?”

I nodded, “We’re guests.”

“Guest or hostages?” He retorted scooping some onto his fork.

I smiled as I felt Elvis’s velvet coat brush against my leg. I shuffled my chair along a bit and he sat between mine and Nick’s chair. I elbowed Nick and he looked to me then down at Elvis.

I put some haggis on my spoon and tipped it into Elvis’s mouth. He greedily ate it up and I smiled. “Your dog is part Scottish.” I whispered to Nick.

Nick chuckled, “I thought he was when he stole your tartan skirt.”