Hidden Within

“So, I see that your friend is dating Zack,” Brian comments from behind me as I begin my way to where Lynn is standing.

“Apparently,” I grumble. “What was your first clue? The fact that they’re even standing next to each other or the fact that they’re attached at the lips?”

“You’re just a ray of sunshine, aren’t ya, Alana?” he asks with an amused chuckle.

God, he’s such a dick…

I roll my eyes and continue my way across the cafeteria over to Lynn and Zacky. Maybe if I ignore him he’ll go away and leave me the fuck alone.

“Aw, what’s wrong, Sunshine? You disappointed that Zack’s dating your friend and not you?” he chortles.

I shake my head at him and don’t say a word, marching my way over to my best friend who is still hanging off of Zack. It’s disgusting how people can just hang off of each other like that. Do they not care that they are subjecting everyone else around them to their little exchange of affection?

“What, you don’t feel like talkin’, Sunshine?”

“Don’t call me that,” I mutter.

“Why not? You’re so bright and cheery all the time!”

“Yeah, I’m Rainbow fucking Brite.”

“Someone clearly didn’t have a good summer.” I can hear the smile in his voice. “What happened? You finally realized that you’re doomed to be flat-chested for the rest of your life?”

I bite my bottom lip and cross my arms over my chest to hide it from view as I try to shake off the comment.

That’s not what Craig thought…

The memory makes me sick to my stomach. I can feel it twist and knot, I can feel it lurch, and I can feel the bile rising up into my throat. I swallow hard and take a deep breath, trying to fight back the nausea that hit so suddenly.

Why can’t the boy just leave me alone already? It’s almost as if he thinks that it’s his life’s purpose to torment me… You would think he would find something else to do by now. Or maybe he’s just that pathetic…

“Oh, there you are!” I hear Lynn exclaim. I look up to see my friend finally pried her lips away from Zack’s long enough to realize that I finally made it to the lunch table they are sitting at.

“Yep, here I am.” I reply with a small smile.

“Okay, so, Alana, you remember Zacky, right?”

“Yeah, of course I do,” I answer with a forced smile. “Hey, Zack.”

“Hey, Alana,” he replies with a genuine smile and the corners of my lips pulled up just a little bit more, my smile becoming relaxed at his sincere attitude.

“Aww, looks like Alana has a crush,” Brian taunts as he walks up beside me. “You should watch it, Lynn, or you might just-- Ugh!”

I turn my head to see Brian as he crashes face first into the floor and I bite my lip to fight back a laugh. But I’m unsuccessful and a snicker escapes my mouth, earning a glare from Brian as he begins to pull himself off of the floor.

“Be nice, Brian!” I hear an unfamiliar voice scold.

“What was that for, Laney?” he grumbles as he dusts himself off.

“For being an ass,” the girl, I assume to be Laney, replies with a chuckle.

“It wasn’t funny,” he mutters.

“I dunno, I thought it was pretty fuckin’ funny. And she did, too,” she replies with a smile as she points to me.

Brian glares at me again. “Well, of course she would…”

“Oh, stop being a little bitch, Brian,” Laney tells him. She glances over at me and smiles. “Hi, I’m Laney,” she smiles as she holds out her hand to me.

“Alana,” I reply, taking her hand and gently shaking it.

“It’s nice to meet you, Alana. You’re Lynn’s friend, right?”

“Yep.”

“Welcome to our little group. You’ll learn that we’re not all assholes like Brian here,” she chuckles lightly as she gently slaps Brian on the chest and she sits down next to Zacky.

“Thanks,” I mumble as I take a seat across from them.

“Don’t worry, everyone’s awesome,” Lynn reassures me with a smile as she rests her head on Zacky’s shoulder.

“Which reminds me, where is Matt, Laney?” Brian asks as he sits down next to me, causing me to fidget a bit to scoot away from him.

“He’ll be here in a bit.”

Brian simply nods his head.

“So, when did you and Zack here start dating?” I ask Lynn, curious to find out how these two got together when last I had seen them they loathed each other almost as much as Brian and I.

“Well, remember how my family went out to Egypt on vacation for, like, two weeks?”

“Yeah,” I reply with a small nod of my head.

“Turns out Zacky’s family was there, too, and we ran into each other there.” I watch as she laces their fingers together. “And you know how our moms are, like, old friends and shit, so when they saw one another they were set on us spending a shitload of time together. I’ll admit, I wasn’t too happy with it. I was thinking of any possible excuse I could come up with, trying my best to make it look like I was sick. Anything I could do to avoid spending time with Zacky.

But I couldn’t get out of it. Mom and Dad saw through my façade and made sure that I was in on all the family fun. At first I wasn’t happy about it at all, I was downright mad that they were making me spend time with Zacky, but after a while I realized that he’s not such a bad guy,” she says, beaming at Zack with one of the goofiest smiles I’ve ever seen in my life. “We started dating when we got home.”

And that explains why I haven’t seen her in almost two months…

“Well, it looks like you had a good summer,” I say with a smile.

“The best,” Zacky and Lynn chorus with the same doofy smiles on their faces. He leans in and brings his lips to hers, placing a tender kiss on her lips.

I press my lips together in a thin line as I look down at the table, feeling a bit uncomfortable to be around them. I’ve never been good with dealing with people when they’re being all lovey and crap.

“Alright, you two, enough of that!” a male voice calls out from behind me.

“Yeah, I wanna keep my lunch down!” another one shouts out.

I turn my head and look to see three guys walking up to our table. I’ve seen them hanging out with Brian and Zack in junior high, but I don’t really know who they are. Unlike Zacky and Brian these three never really bothered to pick on me and Lynn.

“Shut up, Jimmy!” Zack grumbles as he pulls away from my best friend, casting daggers at the approaching boys.

“I was just saying that I’d like to be able to keep my food down,” the tall, skinny boy replies.

“Yeah, it’s bad enough we’ve had to deal with Matt and Laney all summer, I don’t feel like having to deal with you and Lynn right now,” the shortest one comments with a chuckle.

“It’s just the way it goes, you know that, Z,” the third guy smiles as he walks around to the other side of the table. He takes a seat next to Laney, draping his arm around her, and looks at me curiously. His eyes dart over to Brian for a second and a small smile plays on his lips. “You’re… Alana Fray, right?”

“Yeah…” I answer, eyeing him oddly.

“I’m Matt,” he introduces himself. “I think that we had Geography together last year.”

“Oh, that’s right, I remember now.”

“He’s Laney’s bitch,” tall boy informs me as he takes a seat next to me.

I look up to meet a pair of brilliant blue eyes. “I’m Alana,” I say softly, a smile pulling at the corners of my mouth.

“I’m Jimmy, and that midget over there is Johnny,” he replies with a smile of his own, pointing to the short boy sitting on the other side of Brian. I smile and give a small wave at him and he returns the gesture. “Lynn’s talked a lot about you, it’s nice to finally meet ya.”

“She has?”

“Yeah, you’re all she talks about when she’s not yacking away about Zacky or suckin’ his face off,” the short one, Johnny, says with a laugh.

“Anyway!” Lynn chuckles. “How was your summer, Lana?”

“It was… It was good,” I reply with a forced smile.

“Meet any cute boys?” she asks with a smile.

“No… No cute boys…”

“Did Craig scare them all off?” she chuckles. “I swear he acts like your big brother half the time.”

I bite my lip at the mention of his name. “No, he didn’t scare any off…”

“Because there were none to scare!” Brian laughs. “Bet Sunshine here hasn’t even been kissed yet.”

I bite my lip harder, faintly tasting the coppery tang of blood hit my tongue as I try my best to push out the memory that is trying to invade my thoughts. The memory of my first kiss. The kiss that I wish had never happened. The one that never should have happened…

The kiss that I would give everything, literally everything, that I have to erase it from my past.

But I guess it was going to be the only way I’d ever be kissed… I mean, Brian’s right… No one would ever want to kiss me; no one is even interested in me… Of course the only person who would ever kiss me would be--

“Ow!” Brian exclaims, pulling me out of my thoughts. “What the hell was that for?”

“Being an ass,” Laney quickly retorts. “You need to be nice.”

“It doesn’t mean you need to throw shit at me. That fucking hurt!”

“You’re too far away to hit. I had to be resourceful.”

“Whatever…”

“So, anyway! Who’s Craig?” Laney asks, trying to steer the conversation back on track. And I seriously wish that she wouldn’t…

“Craig’s… My cousin--”

“Her cute cousin,” Lynn cuts in with a chuckle and I feel sick to my stomach.

He is far from cute. Far from it…

“From Arkansas,” I continue, trying my best to ignore the comment. “He came over to visit for a few weeks.”

“Oh, neat. Did you have fun while he was here?”

I bite my lip. “Yeah… It’s always fun when he comes to visit…”

At least it always was…

“Did you guys stay up late and watch movies like you always do?” Lynn asks with a smile. “It was always so much fun to do that.”

“Yeah… Yeah, we did…” I mumble.

And I wish that we didn’t…

“It was always so much fun to stay up late with Craig. He’s, like, one of the coolest guys ever. You guys would seriously love him,” Lynn tells everyone, but I can’t stay focused on what she’s saying.

Instead my mind wanders.

It goes back to this summer, trying to make its way back to that night. The night that I could have stopped. I should have seen it coming… I should have been able to tell… He had been acting so weird this summer, so unlike himself… I should have known it was coming… I should have seen it coming from the first night he stayed over at my house. I should have seen it…

But I didn’t because I’m stupid.

I’m so fucking stupid…

~

“So, have you got yourself a boyfriend yet?” Craig asked me as he took a seat next to me on the floor, resting his back against the couch.

“Me? No,” I replied with a chuckle. “Guys don’t like me.”

“Why do you say that?” he queried, leaning towards me a bit.

“Because they just don’t?”

“Now don’t play that with me. Why do you think guys don’t like you?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I guess it’s because I’m not pretty.”

He laughed and I bit my lip, hurt that he was having a laugh at me. I should have known he would laugh about it. It was obvious that guys don’t like me because I’m not pretty. He was probably just asking me because he thought it’d be funny to joke around about it, get in a couple of good laughs.

I’m glad that he found humor at my expense.

“It’s not funny,” I muttered as I drew my knees in close to my chest and rested my head on them.

“No, I’m laughing at the fact that you think that you’re not pretty. You’re pretty, Alana. You’re very pretty.”

“Thanks, but you gotta say that because you’re family.”

“That’s not the only reason I’m sayin’ it. You’re pretty, Lana. Besides, it’s not that big of a deal that you don’t have a boyfriend now. You’re only, how old?”

“I’ll be fifteen soon.”

“You’re just getting into your hot phase then.”

“Hot phase?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah, the time when girls start getting, well, hot. You know, when they get really good looking and stuff.”

“Oh… Well, I doubt I’ll ever be ‘hot’.”

“Not to sound weird or anything, but you will be, Lana. You’ll have guys lining up the block to go out with you. Your next boyfriend is gonna have all the other guys jealous.”

“I doubt I’ll get a boyfriend anytime soon.”

“You will. You’ve got a lot going for you. Cute face; pretty, full lips; nice curves--”

“Curves?” I was confused by the term. Hell, I was confused about a lot of things since my mother kept me very sheltered. Very sheltered.

“You know, curves,” he answered, moving his hands in the shape of an hourglass.

“Oh…” I swallowed hard.

Was it normal for my cousin to notice that I had, as he liked to called them, ‘nice curves’? Was it even normal to talk to my cousin about this kind of thing?

“Guys like curves like yours. We like them a lot,” he said and I swore I felt his eyes scan over my body for a moment, causing me to hug my knees in just a little bit tighter.

“Well… That’s nice…”

“You alright, Alana?” he queried softly, stretching out his arm and lightly brushing my hair out of my face.

“Mmhmm,” I replied with a nod, trying to push away the urge to back away from him. Sure, it was a little weird that he was acting this way, but he was my cousin. He would never do anything.

At least that’s what I thought…

“Don’t worry, it’s not like you’re a complete loser and you’ve never been kissed or anything like that,” he said with a chuckle.

“Actually… I haven’t…” I mumbled as I bit down on my bottom lip.

“Really?” he questioned, his eyebrows raising and his eyes lit up in a way that made me nervous.

“Yeah…”

“Never?”

“Never…”

“So, you’re a member of the VLC, eh?”

“The what?”

“Virgin Lip Club,” he replied with a small smile. “You’ve never been kissed, so you’re a member of the VLC.”

“Oh… Yeah… I guess I am…”

“There’s nothing wrong with that, Lana,” he reassured me, his smile turned into a disturbing smirk. “Nothing wrong with that at all. Actually, it’s interesting… Really interesting.”

My throat felt dry for a moment as I looked into his eyes.

His cool, grey eyes that still had that light shining behind them.

The light that made me feel anxious; the light that scared me.

And I should have never ignored that feeling.