Running From Reality

I was limping slightly, but I had already figured out that it wasn’t anything serious, just banged up. Finding my way to the school, I saw it was right after dismissal, students milling around before making their way to their bus or car. Approaching Alex’s truck slowly, I could hear him and Freddy talking on the opposite side.

“She needs to tell someone, Freddy, she really does. You know I have barely slept at all lately, worrying about her? And it’s my fault she ran off, if I hadn’t given her the note from her broth—“

“Alex,” Freddy said, interrupting him. “It’s not your fault. You know Andi wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for her running off. Hell, she’s probably running laps in the woods right now like she always does when she needs a release. You need to sleep, it’s not helping her to have a boyfriend that can barely keep his eyes open. As for her telling someone, I know. But we can’t force her to tell anyone. Though I agree, she should meet with her brother. If she can’t open up to him, maybe she’ll closure with the whole thing.”

It was then that I made myself known. “Hi…” I said, my voice soft as their heads swiveled towards me. “Andi!” Alex exclaimed, running over to me and wrapping his arms around my waist. I lifted my arms so they slid over his shoulders and buried my face in his neck. “Sorry for running off earlier. Freddy’s right, it’s not your fault.”

He rubbed his hand on my back, in a soothing manner. “Its okay, Andi, everything’s okay.” I wanted to let out the bitter laugh that was forming in my throat, but for Alex’s sake, I held it in. We pulled apart from our hug, and he looked me in the eyes. “You should meet with him. I know you don’t want to, but you should. I don’t see how it could make things worse, as long as your parents don’t find out. Maybe even this afternoon, since he’s coming over in hopes of you agreeing to talk to him.”

I sighed, leaning against the truck with my eyes closed. The internal debate that I had put on a back burner earlier was back, and just as confusing. If I saw him, I didn’t know how I would react. Cry? Feel the need to run? Or cut? Maybe try to hurt him? Mentally weighing the pros and cons, I found them evenly matched. At least, I did until I remembered something huge.

I missed Justin.

No matter if part of me did blame him, there was a much larger part that didn’t. Throughout the years I had been able to ignore the part of me that resented and hated him, so who’s to say I couldn’t rid myself of it completely?

With my mind made up, I opened my eyes and looked at Alex. “Okay, I’ll talk to him. But, first, can we get some ice for my ankle?”

***

And hour and a half later, I was sitting on Alex’s couch, showered clean from my running earlier. Anxiously I awaited Justin’s arrival as I played with the bag of ice on my ankle, which was looking much better. Freddy gave me a smile from where she sat on an arm chair, and I could feel Alexander’s arms tighten around my waist as I leaned against his chest.

Ding dong.

It was the moment of truth. Freddy hurried out of the room and to the door to answer it. Seconds later, she reappeared, with my brother trailing behind her. He looked the same, but not. His hair was shorter, and he seemed to have put on slight muscles. I felt my jaw clench as I looked him in the eyes.

“Justin,” I said, an edge to my voice. Alex and his sister shared a look before both quietly leaving the room.

“Andrea,” he began, but I cut him off.

“It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? Care to tell me why it took you so damn long to come back to see me? Why is it, the person I was once closest to knows nothing of what his leaving did to me?” My tone was bitter, and I could see Justin flinch from the coldness that was directed towards him. “Andi,” he started, but for the second time in a row I cut him off.

“Don’t call me Andi. You lost that right when you failed to contact me after all these years. Sure, there might have been a small part of me that never wanted to see you again, but the majority of me missed you. But the whole of me is pissed.”

“I wanted to call you, I really did, but I knew it would just anger our parents more,” he pleaded, looking me straight in the eyes. Mustering up my strength, I stood, looking back at him coldly. “You know nothing of what angers our parents. Part of me hates you, for leaving me with that mother fucking asswipe that is a sick and twisted man I am forced to call Daddy.”

And with that, I stormed out of the house, limping all the way, and slamming the door behind me.

***

Seeing as I couldn’t run with my ankle hurting like it did, I made my way to an old park where I sat on an old swing set. I got out my iPod, and turned to one of the more depressing songs on it, “Stretch Your Legs To Coffin Length.”

Today my past
Has come alive to eat
All of the guts that I use to just keep my feet
Moving left and right
As my legs shake like trees

Maybe seeing Justin was a mistake. As I swung higher, all the memories of the most painful experiences flashed through my head. It was like I was reliving them all over again. I just wanted to break down and cry right then.

Oh how I curse the heavens for not taking me

I hated this life, with the only bright spots being Alex and Freddy. Why did God let this happen to me? Why isn’t he watching over me like he’s supposed to? And why hasn’t he taken me away from here yet to be with him?

GOD DAMN
This whole mess that’s me
I DON’T TRUST MYSELF
I’m in way too deep
And every night I erase the day
With the strongest drinks they’ll give to me
And I awake
Much to my dismay
To find that I’m still staring at the same ceiling

Every morning, when I wake up and see I’m still trapped in the miserable existence that I call my life, I feel dismay. Anger. Sorrow. Bitterness. Everything but joy. I pumped my legs harder, speeding up the swing as I soared, holding tightly to the chains on either side.

I just wish once
that I could get this right
And have the angels from the south take me at night

GOD DAMN
This whole mess that’s me
I DON’T TRUST MYSELF
I’m in way too deep
And every night I erase the day
With the strongest drinks they’ll give to me

Why is it, day after day, I must wake up and go through the torture once more? Why can’t it end? I’ve spent nights crying, and praying the cuts on my arms would bleed me dry so I wouldn’t wake up. So I would be gone from this world. It seems more and more often I cry myself to sleep bleeding, trying to erase the memories of the day.

But they never leave me. I don’t trust myself to get away from it, the person I’m supposed to call Daddy. I hate him, and the whole mess that he made me. That Mom made me. That Justin made me.

That I made me.

And all I have is meaningless
And all I found is nothingness
In this self loathing sickness
And all I have is meaningless
And all I found is nothingness
In this self loathing sickness

My whole reason for being here is meaningless. I feel that I’m here to not only be my father’s punching bag, but his sex toy as well. I’ve tried to find another reason, but all I find is a void inside of me. I don’t want to live when I’m sick, sick with hate for my father. My mother. The teachers who don’t realize. The people leading happy lives. My brother.

GOD DAMN
This whole mess that’s me
I DON’T TRUST MYSELF
I’m in way too deep
And every night I erase the day
With the strongest drinks they’ll give to me

And all I have is meaningless
And all I found is nothingness

But mostly, I’m sick with hatred for myself.

As the song faded into another one, just as sad, I slowed the swing until it stopped, burying my face in my hands as I sobbed.