Apology Accepted

I had my back to Oli as I angrily shoved everything in my bag. Audri had called Oliver and was all squeals, telling us that the adoption was sealed and they were dropping Marilyn off at the air port. I had less than half an hour left with Oliver and I was definitely making the worst of it. My eyes were drooping from lack of sleep, due to me staying up all night with Oli. My stomach burned and my heart just felt like it was going to shrivel up and fall out of the bottom of my shirt. I just wanted to fucking kill myself. But, I'd already made the decision last night. I had to do this. I couldn't run back to the States with ties in Sheffield. It was just wouldn't feel right. And I can't just wait until I get home and then send off some lousy letter or make a frantic sobbing phone call. No, I love Oli and I have more respect for him than that.

I heard him shuffle across the floor, "'Ere love." He mumbled, shoving the Stand By Me DVD against my forearm.

I looked down at it, held tightly in his tattooed hand. And I knew he was only handing it to me because he wanted me to talk to him. He could give a flying fuck if I remembered to take home that goddamn movie and we both knew that. After staring at it until the cover became blurry, I placed my hand around it and pulled it from Oli's grip, tossing it on top of all my stuff. I quickly pushed the lid down and pressed my left hand on it while I did my best to zip it up, but it wasn't working. I grunted slightly with frustration and I felt all my nerves ball up as I almost started crying. Oli must've sensed my break down coming because I felt both his arms reach around me, pushing down on the lid to the suit case. I quickly zipped it up and remained with my back towards him, knowing that when I turned around, I was just going to start crying.

I watched with tears in my eyes as he removed his hands from the suit case and tightened them around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder. I bit my lip and clenched my eyes shut, starting to feel my jaw ache and my chin tremble from trying so hard to hold my tears in. Oli didn't say anything, but I could feel his jaw tighten, like he was about to open his mouth and then go slack as he realized he had nothing to say. Finally, I wasn't able to hold it in any longer. I let loose with a choked sob and balled my hands into firsts, jamming them against my eyes. Oli quickly moved his arms and moved to my side, turning my body towards his and pulling me against him and putting a hand on the back of my head.

"Sam, don't--" He had started to say, but stopped suddenly because he was crying as well.

We both stood in his room, our arms wrapped so tightly around each other it was a miracle we could breathe, much less sob like idiots.

"Oli." I said, after calming myself down as much as I possibly could, "I'm so fucking sorry."

"It's not yer fault Sam."

"Yes it is. This whole thing. It's all my fault."

"Stop it."

"Oli," I swallowed hard, trying my best not to let my voice waver, "I need to tell you something."

"What?" He asked, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.

I smiled at him slightly and closed my eyes. I bit my tongue, "I love you--"

"I love yeh too Sammeh." He said quickly.

"That's not all of it." I said quietly.

As I said those words, I could already feel my stomach traveling back up my throat. I swallowed hard. I looked up at Oli, only meeting his hazel eyes for a moment before I looked down again. But the look on his face was burned into the folds of my brain. I knew that look. It was a look of complete desperation and absolute disbelief. It was that look that made me want to fucking die. It was the look of someone who knew exactly what was happening, but they knew there was absolutely nothing they could do about it. It was the same look that had been on my face as I looked into the reflection on my mom's sunglasses the day she left me.

I looked down at the ground, "I love you so much, but I really think--"

Oli stepped away from me abruptly, trying to hide his hurt with anger, "Are yeh fuckin' kiddin' meh?"

I felt hot tears pouring down my cheeks again as I reached out for him, barely touching his arm as he took another step back, "I'm sorry Oli."

"After everythin' we've gone through, yeh're really gonna do this teh meh?" He yelled, "What 'appened teh yeh lovin' meh?"

"I do love you!"

"Then what the fuck are yeh doin'?"

"I don't know Oli!" I cried, "I don't fucking know anymore!"

"Piss off."

"Don't--" I leaned forward once more, finally grabbing a hold of his hand, "Please don't fight with me. I don't want to leave with you mad at me."

"Yeh want meh teh be 'appy 'bout this Sam?" He yelled, throwing his arms in the air, tearing away from my grip again, "Yeh just decide we're breakin' up now? Or 'ave yeh been fuckin' thinkin' 'bout it?"

"No, I haven't been fucking thinking about it the whole time I've been here!" I screamed back, "And I don't expect you to be happy about it either, do you think I'm fucking happy?"

"Bloody 'ell, never stopped yeh from doin' anythin'."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

He looked up at me, so much anger in his face, "Yeh just like teh be miserable, don't yeh Sam? Yeh don't want anyone carin' about yeh or lovin' yeh, and that's why yeh're doin' this right now."

I shook my head, knowing for a fact he was fucking wrong, "That's bullshit."

"Yeh wanna know what's bullshit?" Oli was screaming now, his face red as he came inches away from me, spit flying from his mouth, "Yeh comin' into meh life and rearrangin' everything an' then decidin' 'ts alright fer yeh teh just leave whenever yeh please!"

I threw both my hands towards him, shoving him against the wall, "I have to go home Oli! That's not my fucking fault!"

"Yeh're right. But breakin' up with meh is yer fuckin' fault." He said, pointing a finger right in my face, "That's yer choice Sam, and I dunno what yer fuckin' reasonin' is."

The quiet crept around Oli and I, doing it's best not to disturb our argument, but I would've done anything to have Tom barge into the room like he had so many times before. I looked over at Oli, trying to hold myself together and I spoke so quietly, I could hardly hear myself.

"I had to make the choice before you did."

"What makes yeh think I wanna break up with yeh Sam?" Oli said, now approaching me carefully, scared of me shoving him again.

"Right now, nothing. But you're going to go somewhere in life Oli. I know you are. Somewhere where I won't matter anymore."

Now, Oli came at me quickly. He didn't care if I shoved him away or punched him. He had determination written across his face as he grabbed my jaw and kissed my lips roughly. He pulled away and looked at me, then kissed me again, "Yeh'll always matter teh meh Sammeh. No matter where I go." Oli paused, kissing me once more and looking me straight in my eyes, "Always. Do yeh understand?"

I looked away from him, tears still rolling down my face. But he held me in place, refusing to let me turn away. He jerked my face towards him again and planted his lips on my mouth, "I said, do yeh understand meh?"

"Yes Oli." I nodded, not even trying to stop crying anymore.

A few moments later, I felt Oli's chin on the top of my head. He moved slightly and then said quietly, "'m sorry fer yellin' at yeh doll."

I couldn't speak. I felt so wrong being in his arms at that moment. I'd never felt so wrong in any place at any other time. I felt like I wasn't worth it. I didn't deserve to be in Oli's arms, much less his heart. I didn't belong anywhere near Oli, because all I'd managed to do was hurt him. Oli deserved someone who was brave enough to stick around, not go running at the sound of a gun.

"You deserve someone better than me." I whispered, running my hand up and down his upper arm.

"I could say the same thing," He paused, running his hand through my hair, "But I know yeh wouldn't believe meh."

"Why should I?"

"'m not sayin' yeh should," His smirk coming back as he pulled away from me and looked down at me, "But that's alright. 'Cause I don't believe yeh either."

I smiled softly at him, staring at his face, taking in every feature I possibly could. I was interrupted by a knock at Oli's door.

"Sam, dear. Yeh're ride is 'ere." Carol's voice spoke timidly through the crack in the door.

"Okay."

Marilyn had already gone to the air port and everyone agreed it'd be best if I took a cab, just so I wouldn't be crying in front of everyone while we were driving. I was as happy about it as I could get, as I knew it would save me some serious embarrassment. I looked at Oli again and did my best to remember him happy before I untangled myself from him. I slowly pulled on my jacket and shoved my feet into the sloppily tied red sneakers from Christmas. I grabbed my suit case, walking towards Oli's door, regretting every step before I even took it.

As I pushed the door open, I could feel Oli right behind me. Half of me wanted to shove him back in his room and make him stay there, so I didn't have to see the look on his face when I got in the cab, but the other half of me needed him to be there, just in case I couldn't do it. I made my way to the living room where everyone stood. Even Matt was standing on the carpeted floor, beside Tom, who was standing next to Audri and her protruding belly. A teary eyed Carol embraced me while I got an awkward, but caring hug from Ian. Matt took me in his arms and squeezed me lightly, talking quietly, "Yeh've done a lot 'ere Sam. We aren't gonna forget yeh." Audri also hugged me tightly, tears glistening in her brown eyes, "Thank you." She managed to say through her wavering voice.

As I came to Tom, he didn't hold his arms out or attempt an awkward good bye. He looked at me, with so much in his blue eyes. Forgiveness, apologies, gratitude, understanding, everything. He smiled sadly and shoved an envelope big enough for a card in my hand. Nothing came from his mouth, so I assumed I was to wait to open the envelope.

"I just want to say thank you." I said, my voice shaking as I looked at Carol and Ian, "For letting me stay," I let my gaze fall on Matt, "For getting me here," I paused, looking at Tom and Audri, "For letting me help. Seriously, all of you." I said, turning to look at Oli, who was hiding his face from everyone, "For everything."

"Yer welcome back any time Love."

The cabbie outside honked and I said thank you again, and waved to everyone. I reached for my bag, but Oli had already taken hold of it and had the door open for me. We walked silently out to the car, where Oli shoved my bag in the already open trunk. I turned to face him and saw the tears, dripping relentlessly down his face. I wrapped my arms around him tightly and held onto him for all I was worth, which wasn’t much in my eyes. He pulled away from me and kissed me on the mouth, so lightly I could barely feel it. He did it again, and again, and once more. He then let his lips linger on mine as he said, "Sammeh, don't do this. Please."

"I have to Oli. I'm sorry."

"Yeh can stay here. We can get yeh in school."

"I don't have any money."

"I'll take care of yeh Sam. I promise. I'll get a job, I'll do anythin' teh keep yeh 'ere."

"I know you will Oli. But I'm not going to take your future away from you."

"What're yeh talkin' 'bout Sam?" He almost whined, making me look at him, "Yeh are my future."

I shook my head away from him and looked down at the gravel covered street, "Your music is your future Oli. You're going to go somewhere with it. I know you are."

"Well then stay 'ere with meh Sam. I'll take care of yeh."

"I can't. I have to go." I said, trying to pull away from him.

He let me go, looking at me, "I just want yeh teh know I love yeh more than anyone I'll ever meet."

I looked at him, with a choked voice and said, "I love you too."

Letting go of Oli and getting in the back seat of the cab was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. As the cab driver pulled away from the curb, I turned all the way around in my seat and watched as Oli stood there, becoming smaller and smaller as my tears began falling faster and harder. Once the cab driver swung around the corner and I could no longer see Oli, my stomach dropped all the way to the ground.

I gripped the envelope in my hand, and pulled at the top of it, letting the everything fall out of it. On top was a piece of lined paper, with five signatures on it. To no one in particular. But I knew why Oli had given it to me, because I'd asked for it. I held it tightly in my hand rethinking giving it to Jeremy. Then, I felt the glossy material of the other stuff in the envelope. One by one, I looked at all of them. They were pictures of everyone at Oli's house.

Of Carol with baking flour all over her shirt, Ian with a model airplane in his hands, and there was even a picture of Audri wearing the dress I had bought her for Christmas. It was lifted up at the bottom, because of her belly, and I couldn't help but smiling at the pout on her face as she posed for Tom. There were tons of pictures of me and Oli. Of us sleeping, opening presents at Christmas, watching TV, playing Scrabble, everywhere.

And at the very bottom of the pile was a piece of paper. I unfolded it and Tom's messy handwriting covered the page in big letters, I don't know if you can use these for anything. Maybe a scrap book. But I figured you would want to remember us. You're an incredible person Sam, I'm glad I met you. -Tom

As if I couldn't hate myself anymore than I already did, he had to give me pictures and write me a note. It was impossible. I shoved the pictures back in the envelope so I didn't cover them in snot and tears and I looked out the window, just as we were pulling up at the air port. I got out of the cab and pulled my bag out, walking into the air port and finding Marilyn where she said she'd be.

My self loathing started off with every step we took towards the airport gate. It escalated as we found our seats on the plane. It sky rocketed once we pulled away from the ground and it hit an all time high as I looked out of the window and watched Sheffield disappear.

I'd always ran from everything. I've always left everything. Willingly, even. I didn't want to stay with anyone, I didn't want to live anywhere. I just wanted to be on the run from everything all of the fucking time. But being with Oli, knowing Oli, it's taught me to stay put.

I wish I could stay in Sheffield. Oli made me realize how it really felt to be loved and to be cared about. He made me realize how to treat people you love, how to love someone. And I know now, that even if I fucked everything up by leaving him, by choosing not to stay with him, he still loves me.

He will always love me.

And I'll always love him.

And if we have to live on that for the rest of our existence, I think we'll be alright.