Going Alone

Guilt. What’s the definition? The state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously, or, feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy. I was totally guilty. Alex knew, he had to know. I’m going to be so dead. Alex leaned on my counter and sipped his Starbucks contently.

“So, what’s up?”

I cupped my shaking hands around my Chai tea and breathed out quietly. I knew I was going to get it. He’s going to be furious. Furious and hurt, this, in my opinion, is a deadly combination. I took a long sip from my steaming tea to prolong my answer.

“Mae?”

I swallowed, “Yeah?”

“What’s up?”

“Uh, not much.”

Alex and I went back to my house after I got off from work. Jack, of course, was suspicious, but Rian and Zack didn’t care. Jack was about to object, but I sent him a glare and he closed his mouth. So here we are, standing in my kitchen, drinking our beverages.

“You seem nervous.”

“I kinda am.”

He looked at me. I looked back at him, kind of awkwardly. I should just tell him. He would understand, right? He’d be glad that I came out and confessed rather than hiding it from him. Yeah, right! He’d probably hit me again, which is something I don’t want to relive. He cocked his head to the side and stared at me.

“What about?”

“Um, well…” I thought about it.

What’s the worse that could happen, right?

“Well?” He asked, “I can sense that this is going to be bad.”

“Well, you know that whole promise thing?”

“About you and Jack?”

“Uh, yeah...”

“You didn’t!” He accused.

I set my drink down carefully, “Okay, let me explain.”

“What’s there to explain, Mae? You messed around with my best friend!” He steamed, “Especially after I told you not to!”

“It’s not like that, Alex!” I shot back, gripping onto the counter behind me.

“Then how’s it like? Huh?”

I stopped. I shouldn’t rat out Jack. I don’t want to be the one that would break their friendship up. I bit my lip and stared at my sock clad feet. The socks are interesting. They kept my feet immensely warm, but still let the cold from the linoleum seep through. Alex cleared his throat.

“How’s it like?”

“Never mind.” I mumbled.

“No, tell me!” He pestered.

“It’s nothing, okay?”

“Don’t tell me it’s nothing, Mae!” He slammed his coffee down on my counter.

The light brown substance came out from the top and splashed over my white counter tops. I sighed, knowing I’d have to clean that up before it dried. My eyes traced the outline of his hands, then up his long sleeve plaid shirt and to his face. He was super pissed.

“It’s nothing, alright?” I sighed, reaching over for a paper towel.

“Tell me right now!” He shouted, “I want to know that you and Jack did!”

“We didn’t sleep together, if that’s what you’re thinking!” I shouted back.

“Why should I believe you?” He narrowed his eyes at me.

“Where have I led you wrong?” I narrowed my eyes back at him.

“Oh, I don’t know… when you promised me you wouldn’t mess around with my best friend and you did!”

“It just happened, okay!” I shouted, pushing him out of the way and cleaned up the spilt coffee.

He stumbled back, but then caught himself, “So you did sleep with him!”

“No!”

“I don’t believe you!”

“Alex.” I whined, throwing the stained paper away.

“No, Mae.” He spat, “You really broke my trust!”

“It was just one time!”

“It only takes one time.” He rolled his eyes at my stomach, “As we both know.”

“Don’t you dare say you don’t want this baby!”

“How do I even know it’s mine? Maybe Jack got to you before I did.”

My mouth dropped open in shock, “Are you calling me a groupie?”

“No, I’m just saying that you’re easy.”

“Get the fuck out of my house.” I growled.

“Whatever. I’ll see you in three months for a paternity test, slut.” He slammed the door.