A Rollercoaster Kind of Rush

I was never good at making decisions. Phoebe and Mika were always the ones who reasoned whether the new top in American Eagles spring line was flattering to my hourglass shape, or if it made me look pregnant. Evan always chose the restaurant we would eat at. The only thing I was I was sure about was when I twelve and told my father if I wasn't going to UND, I wasn't going to college at all.

So it should make sense why I couldn’t decide if this was a good idea or a bad idea. Kendall stood beside me, glancing over to give me a reassuring look. I sighed, and turned back to the mirror to finish coating the black mascara on my thick lashes.

I couldn’t help but to feel as though this was the worst idea the girls have ever had. But things have been so bad lately that I also felt that this could very well be my last resort.

Last night, Evan picked me up at seven sharp, after telling me to wear the best dress I had in the back of my closet. So I dug around for an hour and a half until I finally located the navy blue Fendi dress that my parents bought me for my cousin’s wedding the summer after graduation. Surprisingly, I filled it out even better than when I was 18.

I slid my feet into my nude peep-toes, and was out the door on time. He took me to a classy restaurant on the other side of Grand Forks that to be quite honest with you, I’ve never even noticed in my entire 22 years of living in this very town. The inside was nicer than the outside of the building, which reminded me of a rundown mob hide out.

It was pretty obvious that something was up. Evan was fidgeting, sliding the wrapped cutlery across the table a good few times before settling on placement right beside his glass of wine. Bringing my own glass to my lips, I had asked him what the occasion was before taking a probably too long swig of the purple substance.

Evan nervously shifted in his seat as I eyed him with a raised eyebrow. He didn’t say anything at first, keeping his lips pressed in a tight line. Finally he spoke, “I can’t take my girl out for a nice dinner without a reason?” I just shrugged it off, and the waiter came and took our order.

To be perfectly honest, I was sick of this Evan. Sure, it was nice to be pampered, and treated to a nice night on the town, but it just wasn’t my style. I didn’t want to squeeze into this dress, and I didn’t want to walk around with these five inch heels covering my feet. I would have been perfectly content in a pair of sweatpants, and a beer in my hand with the boys surrounding me.

But still, I can’t complain. Evan treated me to an amazing dinner, and before I knew it, he was ordering us dessert. Half way through the orgasmic chocolate mousse cake, Evan slid something across the table.

It was a square red velvet box. Taking my eyes off of the box, I locked eyes with him. The intensity poured from his beautiful brown orbs.

“What’s this for?” I had asked him. His lips stretched at the corners, revealing a tiny smile. He simply told me to open it.

My fingers were almost shaking nervously as I lifted the box off of the cherry wood table top. I almost didn’t want to open it, but curiosity got the best of me.

I gasped slightly. Inside was a ring, white gold, my favorite, a princess cut diamond in the middle, surrounded by smaller pink diamonds that circled the entire band.

“It’s a promise ring,” he spoke, “a promise that I’ll love you my entire life, and we’ll be together forever.” I felt my insides instantly turn hot, and melt lovingly.

I forced a smile. “It’s beautiful, Ev,” I had no idea what else to say as his broad smile lit up the entire restaurant.

With a sigh, I glanced down to the new ring that adorned my ring finger. I knew I was in love with Evan, I just wasn’t sure if I could force myself to love Evan now that he was the perfect gentleman. As well aware as I was that how I felt was wrong, I couldn’t help it. I needed my Evan back.

Don’t get me wrong. I was flattered at the fact that he would do all these things for me. I knew a million girls who would do anything to change their boyfriend’s ways. I always used to think I was one of them.
A year ago, Evan having this turn around would have been the most refreshing thing all year. But now that I had what I wanted, of course I’m still not pleased.

“Are you okay, Av?” The voice snapped me back from reality. It was Matt.

“Yeah,” I stuttered out, more than likely unconvincing, “I’m fine.” My smile was so fake that it made my face and head ache and throb. He gave me a skeptical glance. Luckily for me, he let it go.

“Okay, well I made some mac and cheese. I saved you some, you should really eat before we go,” he suggested. I nodded quickly, and returned to painting the makeup on my face that hadn’t been touched in almost five minutes.

“I’ll be out in a few minutes,” I told him, my smile one hundred percent genuine this time. He returned it and sauntered away from the bathroom door leaving me alone, wondering where Kendall had disappeared to.

Tonight we were going to a party. It wasn’t just any party, it was TJ Oshie’s “I’m an NHL superstar now, so you have to throw me a party” party. It was supposed to be the biggest party of the semester. Of course, all of the boys were more than ecstatic for the chance to get wasted with one of their former teammates. Brad Miller bought eleven bottles of liquor on his own. I had a feeling things were about to get real.

Kendall insisted it was time. The girls’ plan, of which I was growing more skeptical of every minute, was planned to be put into full force tonight. Just thinking of it made me sick to the stomach. There was no way I could go through with this. I already felt dirty.

I tried my hardest to push away any thought of what was going to happen tonight. After the finishing touches on my face, I sprayed some Pink perfume all over and then left the bathroom, and retreated to Ben’s empty bedroom. Sliding into my dress, I closed my eyes and tried to focus on releasing all of this negative tension. When that didn’t work, I let out an exaggerated groan and grabbed my wedges off the floor and made my way towards the living room/kitchen area where my friends were gathered.

Evan’s lips formed a happy smile as his eyes watched me enter the room. Although I would have rather run in the opposite direction, I took my natural seat on his right side. Feeling the warmth of his hand rest right where the hole was in my jeans, I closed my eyes tightly. His presence just felt wrong. I felt terrible for having these thoughts.

The boys joked around and excitedly talked of how drunk they wanted to get tonight. Bored, I looked to Phoebe and Kristy in hopes to maybe jump into their conversation. But I was out of luck, they were talking about the high school they went two, just a year apart. That was when I realized that I had been sighing far too much lately.

I tried to focus on what Jake was talking about. I attempted to laugh at Matt’s stupid jokes, but it came out sounding extremely forced, and it earned me an odd look from Evan.

Without any entertainment, I was finally able to feel my stomach grumble a bit, telling me that Matt was right. With no words, I padded along the hardwoods floor into the kitchen area. The pot that Matt had made his mac and cheese in was still sitting on the stove, with a metal lid on the top to keep in the warmth.

As I scooped myself a few spoonfuls into the blue ceramic bowl, I got the feeling someone had joined me. Turning my head to the left slightly, I caught sight of my boyfriend. I gave him the most honest grin I could possibly muster. The sparkle in his eye broke my heart as he wrapped one arm around my waist and leaned his head on top of mine. I didn’t even feel this guilty when I let my friend’s dog loose when I was seven.

It was like was betraying him, which I very well was. Evan should have been able to trust me, but now it was obvious that he shouldn’t. I knew this was going to hurt both of us. But do you think that stopped me?