Everything I've Ever Wanted

The mood that hung over the car at the moment was a complete 180 from what Tony and I were feeling last night when we were rolling around in my bed. That mood and feeling was full of fun, adventure, laughter, and love, the feelings you embrace when they poke at your body or brain. But the dark, heavy feeling of sadness, regret, pain and longing hung like a depressing cloud that spurted out rain occasionally. The darkness was so thick that it was hard to see through like being in the countryside on a cloudy night, the stars, which had been your only guidance, blanketed.

My hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as my heart beat faintly in my chest. I paused at a red light, the green blinker the only sound reverberating through the silence. Light rain drops breezed down from the sky and scattered on the windshield before the whispers washed them away. I watched, hypnotized by the motions to distract myself from Tony who was slouched down in the passenger seat, eyes closed as he slept quietly.

I took a moment to glance at him, taking in his soft jeans, scuffed, black Nikes, and worn Gopher hockey sweatshirt. His Gopher hat was settled in his lap while his glasses had replaced his contacts a few hours ago when we had finally finished expressing our need, love, and want for each other. I reached out to brush a few strands of his dark hair back from his forehead, smiling as his eyes fluttered then opened.

"How long have I been out?" He whispered, voice coated with sleep as he rubbed his face roughly. I glanced at the light, seeing it was green, and proceeding to turn onto the freeway.

"A couple minutes." I responded, running a hand through my still damp hair.

"I need to wait so I can sleep on the plane." He yawned, grabbing my right hand off the wheel and lacing our fingers together.

"Or you can read, babe." I chuckled at his snort.

"No. I won't be able to focus. There is too much shit I have to do when I land." He sighed loudly, groaning as well.

"Like what?" I wondered, feeling the heavy cloud lift from the car the more we conversed.

"My agent is picking me up at the airport and we are going to meet with the owners and GM. Then I'm going some media crap, answering questions, and after that, I get to drop my stuff off at my apartment before going out to dinner with some teammates."

"Wow. When are you going to fit in a call to your loving girlfriend?" I giggled at him, jokingly squeezing his hand.

"I don't know, maybe after I meet up with my new girlfriend. I heard she's a fucking babe." Tony leaned across the center console and placed a kiss on my cheek as I giggled at his attempt at a joke.

"You're so cute thinking girls will be all over you. Come on babe, you have property of Molly Fischer branded on your ass."

"Ain't that the truth." Tony chuckled, his hand coming to the back of my neck and massaging the tense muscles. I sighed, leaning into his strong appendages. "I miss you already." Tony whispered.

"I know, babe. But in... 30 days I'll be with you in San Jose. We can go to the beach and I'll wear my bikini, the one that drives you crazy." I winked at him. I was surprised that I was being the optimistic one when I usually sulked and complained about him leaving. I guess this was me trying to take the tint of guilt out of his eyes, but also to make the transition easier.

"Mmm, that makes our time apart a little more bearable, picturing you in practically nothing."

"Oh baby, just picture last night and you're good to go." I laughed as Tony smirked, his green eyes turning emerald. "Hey now, down boy." I cautioned him with a wink.

"If I could, I would throw you down in the back seat and-"

"Tony!"

"-until you scream." He finished despite the fact that my screech had cut out a few, derogatory words of his dirty talk.

"Oh god, stop. Just stop." I squealed as he tried to stick his hands in between my legs. "Tony! I am driving!" I laughed, pushing at his arms as I pulled off of the freeway and into the MSP International Airport.

"You know, when I was in high school, my friends and I used to say, no relationship is solidified until you bang in the back seat of a car. Come on, babe." Tony wiggled his thick eyebrows as a twisted smirk stained his lips.

"Then I guess you're going to Cali single."

"Mean!"

"Rational."

Tony huffed at me as I pulled into the parking ramp and parked the car. I unbuckled my seat belt, turning to Tony who was still looking at me like he had been last night.

"Ton." I spoke warily.

"Mol."

"No."

"Fuck."

"Oh stop acting like you weren't satisfied last night." I laughed, crawling into his lap and giggling at the tightness of his jeans.

"I'm a guy. I'm never satisfied." We both chuckled before kissing each other tenderly. I tugged his bottom lip into my mouth, nibbling on the plump flesh. "Thank you for being so supportive of this." He told me when we pulled away, one of his hands brushing my hair behind my ear.

I shrugged my shoulders, shaking my head. "This is what you've wanted to do for years, since before we were together. It's not my right to stand in the way."

"No, but you could."

"Not when it would make you so happy."

"You're so unselfish." He whispered to me, lips brushing against mine. I smiled down at him and ran my fingers through his hair, the soft hairs tickling my hands in the best way.

Tony was wrong. Didn't he understand that because I was so selfish, I was choosing to stay back here? The same dreams that were taking Tony to the west coast were keeping me in Minnesota. If he could hear the thoughts in my head for the past couple months, he would understand that neither of us fit the category of unselfish, which was probably why the nagging feeling of guilt was eating away at us both.

"My plane leaves in two hours." He whispered to me.

We both groaned inwardly, the sound reflected in our green eyes as we stared at one another, not needing any words to express how bad we wanted time to stop. I would give just about anything to make him stay, but at the same time; I couldn't do that. This was his dream, something he had worked too damn hard for to not chase after it. I couldn't prevent him from going; I wouldn't be the reason he didn't leave. Tony wasn't telling me to give up my job of a lifetime to move with him, and at the same time, I couldn't expect him to give it up when I wouldn't do it for him. It was time for Tony to go, time for him to get on a plane, and make a name for himself out of Minnesota.

I groped for the click of his seat belt beside his left hip, unclipping it and letting it slide through my fingers and back into it's place. I fought the urge to cling to Tony as he opened the door, allowing me to climb out. He pulled my keys out of the ignition for me and opened the trunk, unloading his luggage. I watched silently while he pulled his stuff out, stacking it neatly and slamming the gate shut again.

"Want help?" I asked referring to his carry-on and duffel bag along with the large suitcase. He send his hockey stuff earlier in the week so it wouldn't be a hassle.

"Just grab my carry-on." Tony told me, leaving our fingers together as we headed towards the airport.

Pretty soon, Tony had his luggage checked and ready to go along with all set to begin heading through security, the place I would have to say goodbye to him. I pursed my lips as we reached the point where I would need a boarding pass to get through. I sighed, handing Tony the bag that contained his laptop and other ways of fighting off boredom. He slipped the strap over his head so it laid diagonally across his chest. I sucked my cheeks in, sighing quietly before looking up at Tony.

Tears were already shining in my eyes as he pulled me into his body. His arms wrapped around my back as mine wound around his waist. His lips pressed against mine in a soft, tender kiss that expressed so many things the two of us wanted to say. His fingers pressed against my spine, massaging the tight muscles of my back as my arms moved to grasp at his shoulders as an anchor to stay on the ground. Tony's tongue trailed along my bottom lip before it poked into my mouth, melting with mine as the muscles tangled together. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly when the need for air suddenly became overwhelming. We pulled apart reluctantly.

"Look at me," Tony whispered, his breath dancing across my wet lips. I did as I was told, a tear slipping through my lashes. "30 days. We can do it." I nodded, opting not to speak for fear of the broken record sound. "I don't need to go yet." He told me, hands pressing flat against my back to make sure I didn't move away.

"Yes you do." I murmured with a deep sadness lacing my words. "I know you don't want to go yet, but you kind of don't have a choice. The bad thing about flying is that planes don't wait for anyone."

His eyes closed as he breathed out a sigh, eyelashes fluttering slightly as other passengers walked past us, oblivious of the goodbye that was taking place right beside them. Didn't they understand this was the end of the bliss that Tony and I had experienced since we first got together? When Tony's eyes opened, the green had turned so dark, the lightness not appropriate for such a heavy moment. He pursed his ruby lips together, teeth nibbling greedily on his flesh. I opened my mouth to let all the unspoken words tumble out, but I shoved them down my throat before any sound could escape; only my breath was allowed to spill from my body.

"Babe." Tony mumbled, hands moving to my neck, his large paws practically covering it. "Go ahead." He nodded, going back on what he said the night before.

"I don't want you to go. I wish you could stay with me, that we didn't have to be apart for so damn long. I wish we had more time. I don't want you to leave, but you need to." I muttered cautiously, expressing my feelings while not specifically telling him not to get on the plane.

"Babe, I'll always be in you, no matter where I am." He whispered, his breath moving the fine, small hairs by my ear. His words gave me the strength and will to let go of his hips that I had been gripping tightly, and with eyes squeezed shut, I released him. He pressed a soft, yet, firm kiss to my lips before giving my hands a final squeeze.

"I love you, Molly. Don't forget that."

"I love you too, Ton."

Enough that I don't want you to leave
***

So I'll let you go 
I'll set you free 

And when you see what you need to see 

When you find you come back to me
And i hope you find everything that you need 

I'll be right here waiting to see 

You find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me 

***
I pushed the salad around on my plate as Kara and Jess giggled across from me, talking about one of the parties that had occurred over the weekend, one that Tony and I had not attended since we really had no business being at the hockey house anymore. Plus, we were a little preoccupied packing his stuff and moving me into my apartment.The two girls seemed to be oblivious to me as I sulked across the table from them, my lips jutted out in a pout as I stared down at the fresh greens on my plate.

"Molly." Kara sing-songed to me, snapping her fingers near my face. I flicked my green eyes to her, forcing a smile as she waved to me, a cheesy smile stretching her mouth. I rolled my eyes and forced out a laugh, before tapping the screen of my phone to see that Tony would have just landed.

I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to go out to dinner with my friends, even though I knew it would be fun. I didn't poses the friendly part of my nature today. Instead, I felt cranky, pouty, sad, and lethargic. I wanted nothing more than to get into my apartment and pass out in my bed, but I hadn't been able to even enter the building before the two ladies across from me kidnapped me in the parking lot. It wasn't fair, but I didn't have a choice.

"Can you at least try to act like you're having fun?" Jess asked, taking a sip of her water. I sighed, setting my fork down with a loud clang, shoving my hands through my hair.

"I told you guys I wasn't going to be fun." I insisted, shaking my head and flipping my hair back, looking at the two girls who had become my best friends in the past couple months, replacing the void Dakota had left.

"We just don't want you stuck in your apartment since we know you took the day off." Kara shrugged, chewing softly on a french fry. "It's not good for you to be alone on a day like today."

"Can we talk about something else?" I sighed, throwing my napkin on my uneaten food, ignoring Kara's disapproving look.

"The season is about to start?" Kara suggested to which Jess and I both shook our heads. We didn't want to talk about Gopher hockey when both of our boyfriends wouldn't be on the team this year. Jordan signed at the end of the season last year with the Vancouver Canucks, the team that had drafted him in the first round in the 2009 NHL draft.

"Tony called?" Jess wondered.

"We aren't talking about him," I reminded her, giving her a look. She gave me a slight smile before rolling her eyes.

The rest of our lunch was much of the same. Me checking my phone and pushing around objects on the table, while the other two girls attempted to bring up Tony some more. They just couldn't understand that every time I heard his name, I saw him walking away from me and towards his new life. It stung and made unnecessary scratches mare the surface of my heart. An hour later, we were back in front of my building after grabbing a coffee from Starbucks that was meant to help me cope as I returned to an empty apartment with still no call from Tony.

"Call me tomorrow so I know you survived." Kara chuckled as I stepped out of her car, rolling my eyes and thanking her for lunch. It was fun despite the fact that I hadn't wanted to go.

"I'll see you later. Call me later in the week and we can get lunch or something." I told Kara, biding Jess a safe trip back to Madison. "Hopefully we will see you soon." I smiled to her before shutting the door and watching Kara drive away. Heaving another sigh, I turned on my heel and entered the building.

Once in my apartment, I fussed around the house, spending a good hour and a half letting my OCD tendencies take over as I cleaned up the aftermath of a party. I stripped the sheets on my bed even though I didn't really want to because they smelled just like Tony. I finished unpacking a few of the boxes of knickknacks that were stuffed into my closet until I got around to them. By the time I collapsed on the couch it was only 5 and I was already exhausted.

I drifted asleep as the evening news played out on the screen, filling the silence that made me uncomfortable and yearn for Tony more so than usual. The sound of the familiar Chris Brown song, "I Love U" started to blare on the coffee table, startled me awake as I flew up. I glanced around, seeing that it was already dark and the golden glow of the street lights filtered into the apartment. I squinted down at the bright screen of my phone, smiling at Tony's picture and grabbing the phone.

"Baby." I whispered to him, my voice coated with sleep as I wrapped my fleece blanket tight around me.

"Hey babe." Tony greeted, the sound of a smile in his voice, making a grin stretch onto my face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up. I thought you would be up still."

"What time is it?" I wondered, stretching to see my iHome and the bright numbers telling me it was 10:30. I had been sleeping for over five hours. "Wow, my nap turned into a half-nights sleep." I chuckled, pushing back some hair that had escaped from my pony tail.

"I'm sure you didn't sleep well last night." Tony laughed through a yawn.

"Tell me about your day." I insisted, laying back and hitting the mute button on the TV so I could hear him better.

"Well, I landed ten minutes early and met with my agent. We headed to the arena right from the airport where we met with team personnel. I got a run down of training camp and basic things I needed to know about being part of the Sharks organization. Then I was brought down to the locker room where I changed into my suit and went through my interviews, which of course took forever. After that, we headed to my new apartment, which by the way needs a little bit of your decorating touch; everything is white and black, no joke. But it's a nice place. Then I went out to dinner with some teammate, got to know the guys a bit, before I came home to call you. I miss you already."

"That sounds busy. I miss you too, baby." I murmured to him, sighing quietly as I closed my eyes. "Talk to me. Tell me more about your day. Don't leave anything out; I want to feel like I was there." I insisted, snuggling into the couch as he began to talk, his voice a steady melody that I listened to until I drifted off to sleep, pretending that Tony's arms were around me instead of my own.