Jizz In My Pants

As indicated by Jack’s spray of jizz everywhere, the person he was talking to was none other than Mark Hoppus himself. “Damn it, Mark! You made me jizz in my pants!”

Mark winked at Jack and gave a nod, which practically made Jack die. He laughed and then looked at over the group, the girls now joining them near the mongs. “What brings you all to Spencers today?”

Alex was about to answer when Rian came bolting in the door, Mason struggling to keep up. “I heard what happened. Where is he?” Looking up from his hunched over stance from breathing too hard, he saw Mark. “I knew it!” He looked in back of him to see Mason trot into the store. “I told you I wasn’t imagining things!”

Mason then came up beside him and put an arm around his waist. “You owe me a Harry Potter movie.” They kissed quickly before turning back to Mark.

Alex, whose face was deep red with embarrassment, continued on. “Well, we’re all on a road trip and needed to stop at the mall. We’re a horny bunch of teenagers, no naturally, we would come into a sex shop.” He laughed nervously as his gaze shifted to Melissa. She was grinning ear to ear when all of a sudden she noticed a specific movie on the shelf across the way. She looked at the object in horror as if it were a bomb. Being discreet, Alex looked to where she was staring. Of course, it was one of her films entitled “Passion Flower Cove.” Alex laughed out loud and stared at Melissa. “Really? ‘Passion Flo-‘” Once she gave him the dagger eyes, he backed off and stopped laughing. “So, uhm, Mark, what brings you to Spencers? Particularly in the mong section?”

Jack, befuddled with this unfamiliar term, raised his hand and kindly asked, “What’s a mong?”

Quickly scanning the small rack of mongs, Mark picked one up and stretched it out. “Young lad, a mong is a man-thong. Here, I think this leopard print one would look great on you!” He tossed it to Jack, who accepted the gesture and caught it.

But as soon as he got it, it was snatched away by Anna. “There is no way in hell that you are wearing a mong. Not even one bestowed unto you by Mark Hoppus.” Jack pouted and crossed his arms while Anna rolled her eyes and looked at Mark. “I’m sure you look great in a man-thong, but he has really hairy legs. Mongs and hairy legs do not go well together.” The whole group laughed at Jack for his hairy legs. Poor fellow. It’s not his fault!

“So, are you guys just riding around for the hell of it? What’s the occasion?” Mark turned back around to browse the selection of thongs again.

Zack scratched his head and shrugged one shoulder. “Well, we’re in a band and it’s our senior year of high school. So, we decided to grab our gear and go!” He smiled his goofy grin and held onto Laura’s hand. When he noticed she had something in it, he looked down to see her Victoria’s Secret bag. Through an opening in the top, he saw some red lace and closed his eyes, trying to imagine a very skimpy outfit on Laura. Oh my god, she’s so-

STOP IT RIGHT THERE! DON’T WANT TO SEE IT! Zack came out of his little trance and looked at Rian, who was glaring at him. He rolled his eyes and sighed.

With an approving nod of the head, Mark smiled and looked over the band and their significant others. These seem like a good bunch of kids. I wonder if there’s enough room on the Mark Hoppus Awesome Mobile for them… “So, band, huh? That’s pretty badass. Have you played any shows yet?”

Everyone looked at each other disappointingly. “Actually, not yet on our trip. We’ve been too busy…” Jack tried to come up with an easy way to describe their trip without giving anything away. “…masturbating.”
With mong in hand, Mark made his way over to the check-out counter. “Oh, I see. Hand gets sore. Can’t play. Can’t say it hasn’t happened to me before.” With a chuckle, he paid for his blue mong and motioned for everyone to follow him. “So, what are you guys rolling in?”

Mason smiled. “We have a fifteen passenger van with blue flames on it. It’s pretty cool actually.” At that time, the group arrived in the parking lot. Mason pointed in the general direction of the van. “It’s the one over there with the trailer. Wait, what?!? WHERE’S THE TRAILER?!?” Just then, he saw a red minivan drive away with their trailer. Then when they came to the van, they found that it had been spray-painted and bashed. They recognized the group of vandals as the radicals of the Westboro Baptist Church. They could tell because all over the van, the saying “God hates fags” was written. A pang of hurt ripped through Mason’s heart. “Those bastards…”

Everyone went into the van to find their clothes and other possessions remained untouched. Alex kicked the side of the van, making another dent in the already damaged car. ‘What the fuck! Really? REALLY?!?” He groaned and punched the van, sliding down the side of it on his back and putting his head in his hands.

Laura shook her head. “Okay, scratch that. We WERE riding in a pimped out ride. And All Time Low WAS going to eventually play a few shows. But I think plans have changed…” With a frown, Laura held on tighter to Zack. Even though she knew Mason could just poof up what needed to be replaced, she knew it wouldn’t happen. It just wouldn’t feel the same.

Going on his original instinct, Mark thought of a plan. “As long as you can all promise me that you’re above eighteen, I have an idea.” They all turned their attention to Mark, puzzled as to why he would ask such a question. “Well, it would count as kidnapping if you came on the road with me on my RV. I’m on a spontaneous road trip too, but I have no one to go with me…”

Even Rian, who had seen this coming, dropped his jaw in awe. The reality of Mark Hoppus asking them to join him in his RV for the remainder of the road trip was too hard to grasp. At the same time, they all shouted, “YEEESSSSSSS!”

Squinting his eyes, Mark looked at all of them on at a time. “That was a little too synchronized for my liking…” In an instant, they stood up more rigidly to appear more worthy. But he just laughed and started walking toward the other side of the parking lot. “Come on, the RV’s this way.”

After a short time of gathering their belongings, the group dashed to the RV across the way. It was huge on the outside, like a big tour bus. Mark stepped in front of them and took out a key to unlock the door. All was silent as they heard the lock click and the door being pushed open. “My friends, welcome to my humble abode.”