Jizz In My Pants

It was dinner time in the Awesome Mobile and everyone was discussing the idea of going to Vegas over some Wendy’s. So far, everyone was convinced that it would be a good idea. “I could poof us all some fake IDs so we can gamble and drink our asses off.” Mason laughed as everyone high fived in victory.

“And I bet I could get us into some pretty insane clubs,” said the great monged-one. Mark Hoppus had some tight connections; surely he could get his comrades into the sleekest of establishments.

Ideas were tossed around like newly fallen leaves in at the peak of fall. The group continued in excitement as the bright colors of their plans formed into an amazing pile that would be their endeavor in Vegas. In the middle of the excitement, Jack managed to sneak Anna out of the crowd and into the back lounge. “Jack, what’s up?” She smiled and sat down on the sofa, mind still reeling from the possibilities.

He smiled devilishly and put his hands in his pockets. Jack had an idea of his own and couldn’t wait to share it with her. “You know, since we’re going to Vegas, I kind of have an idea… But you can’t tell anyone.”

Anna giggled and patted down next to her so Jack would sit. “I won’t tell.” Clearly, the two had forgotten about Rian, who heard the secretive whispers of their thoughts from the front of the bus. While still remaining in the conversation, he focused in on the thoughts of Anna and Jack.

Jack pulled out a small plastic egg container from his pocket and kneeled down. Anna sat there in complete shock as he opened the egg, revealing a cheap mood ring. “I got this at the mall at Spencers for fifty cents. I would have gotten you something more expensive, but I remember you telling me once that you’d rather get proposed to with something cheap and silly rather than a diamond ring.” He flashed his angelic little smile as Anna swooned.

“Jack, are you really doing this right now?” She smiled as big as she possibly could and wiped away the single, happy tear that was rolling down her cheek.

“Let’s face it babe,” said the romantic Arab. “We’ve only known each other for a little over a month. But I knew the second you rolled by in Wal-Mart that day with the Twinkies that I would make you my bride. Considering we are eighteen and going to Vegas, I believe we should do what all irresponsible young folk do in Vegas and get hitched, waking up the next morning with a killer hangover and a shit-ton of regrets. But we’ll get the fuck over it and live happily ever after and have lots and lots of kids. We’ll be a wonderful, dysfunctional family together. Anna Fran-“

“DON’T SAY MY MIDDLE NAME!” Anna’s face turned red with anger when Jack started to say her middle name. She hated that it was Francis.

Backing off a little, Jack tried to keep his composure. “Okay, Anna insert-middle-name-here Keaney, will you marry me? We may not be perfect people, but I’m pretty sure we’re perfect for each other.” He smiled up at a watery-eyed Anna. With all of his heart, he hoped they were tears of joy. Anna was the woman for him.

Nodding her head, she put her hands over her mouth. “Yes! Yes, Jack, I’ll marry you!” With a lunge, she wrapped her arms around her husband-to-be and tackled him to the ground, kissing him over and over again with passion. It was the happiest moment of her young life to date.

Meanwhile, having heard the activities in the back, Rian smiled and sniffled up a happy tear that threatened to spill over. “… It’s so beautiful! Awww…”

Mason cooed and wrapped his arm around Rian’s waist. “I’m excited for this trip too. We’re never going to forget it.” Unaware of the real reason behind Rian’s affectionate “aw,” Mason kissed him and thought about all the happy times to come. Rian just laughed at the irony and continued to kiss his boyfriend.

In the back, Anna and Jack were still on the floor, macking each other’s faces off. In the process of making out, they started to roll around in the back, knocking things over. Not realizing it, Jack hit a light socket with his crotch when he tried to roll over to the left, sending out a stray spark. A minute later, Anna stopped kissing Jack. “Do you smell that? I smell… something burning?”

Jack furrowed his brows and sniffed, trying to locate the source of the smell. Then, his eyes landed on his burning crotch. “OH MY LAWD I’M ON FIRE!” Because the conversation in the front was still in full swing, no one heard his cry. He got up and started fanning his pants. “HELP ME!”

Anna remembered something from elementary school that said you have to smother the flames of someone on fire. So to put out the fire on Jack’s crotch, she began to vigorously thrust her pelvis into his. But this only created double the trouble, for her crotch also lit on fire. “HOT DAMN! NOT GOOD!”

Thinking quickly, Jack removed his pants. “QUICK! GET NAKED!” They both shed their pants and charred underwear, tossing them to the side. With a relieved sigh, they hugged and laughed. “Well, that was close.”

All of a sudden, the RV started moving as Alex took the wheel and pulled away from Wendy’s. Due to the inertia of the vehicle, Jack and Anna stumbled backwards and fell, causing them to involuntarily have intercourse. “Wow, that was convenient.” Anna laughed at the situation at hand. “How did we manage this?” They both started laughing when Anna’s expression suddenly turned dead serious. “Oh shi-“

“Do I smell something burning?” In the doorway stood Mark Hoppus. Jack turned around slowly to see him. Anna prepared herself for the inevitable. Just as expected, a jizz rocket went off and exploded in Anna. Mark saw this and his jaw dropped. “Dude! Please tell me you’re wearing a condom!”

Jack’s eyes went wide and he looked to Anna. “This cannot be good.”

Anna put her palm to her face. “Even if you were wearing a condom, I don’t think it would have done anything. That shit was potent.” She quietly got up and got some spare pants from the closet in the back. “Jack, I swear to god, if you got me-“

“No! Shh quiet! I don’t want the whole bus to know! Alex won’t let me live it down!” Jack sat down on the sofa and buried his head in his hands. “I can’t believe there is a possibility that I… Oh my god, Mark, you have to keep this a secret. Please.”

Putting his right hand over his heart, Mark gave his solemn vow. “I promise I won’t tell.” He then turned around and walked back to the front of the bus, leaving Jack and Anna to themselves.

Anna sat next to Jack and rubbed his shoulders. “Babe, what’s wrong? It was an accident. We don’t even know if I am or not. And plus, even if I am, you know, I thought you were excited for a family…” With a self-conscious stare, she tried to get Jack to look at her. She wanted to know what he was thinking.

He shook his head and finally connected his chocolate brown eyes with hers. He began to cry as he stuttered out what made him so scared. “I-I can’t be a dad! Everyone’s right, I-I c-can’t do it.” Sniffling, he put his arms around Anna. “I can’t take your youth away from you. We’re way too young. We still h-have so much to do before we settle down and have kids. I love you. I can’t take away that immaturity that makes you so wonderful because of my inability to keep it together in the presence of Mark Hoppus.” Like it were the last time he would hold her, he buried his head in the crook of her neck and sobbed.

While Jack sobbed, Anna blinked away the tears she had and looked to the ceiling. She had no idea Jack cared so much. “J-Jack, it’s because I love you that I trust everything will be okay. Chances are, I’m not pregnant. But if I am, then so be it!” She pushed Jack back a little so she could get a good look at him. “We love each other. We’ll make it work. We have friends that would be more than willing to help us. You have no reason to worry about anything.”

Jack smiled and wiped away the last tear that he had. Even though he still had his doubts, he knew that he and Anna would be okay should something go wrong. He knew that the chances of her being pregnant were slim, but their conversation helped shed some light on how much they trusted each other. If anything unexpected happened in the future, they would be able to handle it. This gave both of them a warm and happy feeling inside as they hugged it out on the couch in the back lounge.

Poor Rian in the front lounge, however, had overheard everything and was paralyzed with scandal-overload. The news hit him like a ton of frozen jizz bricks. The thought of Jack’s offspring made Rian want to shoot himself. What made it worse was that Mark was next to him imagining himself as drag-queen. Rian looked blankly into space, trying to wrap his now fragile mind around how he was going to live with his ability of reading minds.