Make This Perfect Again

"Jaws, what's wrong?" Jazz repeated. By then, Matt had appeared in my doorway. I started to hyperventalate. Jazz rushed over to me and made me sit down on my bed. She started rubbing my back, and it wasn't helping. "Do...do you want me to call Josh?" Jazz asked. Josh was the last person I wanted to see right then. I couldn't...I just...couldn't be pregnant. "Matt, could you...leave us alone for a few minutes?" Jazz asked patiently. Matt nodded, looking concerned, confused, and another mix of emotions I couldn't pick apart. He closed the door, but I knew he had his ear pressed up against it. Jazz just kept rubbing my back until I calmed down enough. "I've never seen you like this. What's the matter?" I looked at her again, my eyes were probably still wide from panic.

"I...I..." The words were hard to spit out. Jazz just sat patiently beside me, knowing that I was having a hard telling her something. "I'm pregnant Jazz." I finally managed to say. Jazz just stared at me. I expected her to freak out, or say something, but she just adverted her eyes to the floor.

"What...how...what?" Jazz looked up again, looking seriouslt confused. "What are you...going to do about it?" Jazz asked quietly.

"I don't know!" I said desperatly. I started to feel tears well up in my eyes. "Abortion is NOT an option." I stated. I could never go through with an abortion. It was just something I couldn't do.

"What about adoption?" Jazz questioned.

"I don't even think I could do that." I said. We were both silent for a little bit.

"When are you going to tell Josh?" Jazz asked. A few tears escaped my eyes, and I wiped them away with the sleeve of my sweater.

"I don't even want to think about that right now." I said, looking right at Jazz. She got that I couldn't bring myself to tell him right then, and I knew I wouldn't be able to for a while. And I was completely terrified I was going to lose Josh once again. And if I did, I couldn't handle that.

"Do you want to be left alone right now?" Jazz asked, getting up from my bed.

"No, I want to talk to Matt." I said, curling my legs up to my chest. Jazz nodded and walked out of the room. Matt walked in right after and sat next to me. "You probably heard, huh?" I asked. Matt nodded at me. "What am I going to do Matt? I'm only 20! I can't have a baby." I said. "And we were planning new tour dates." I heaved a heavy sigh and looked straight at Matt. There was some kind of compasion glinting in his eyes.

"Jaws, what ever you decide to do, it will be the best decision for you, Josh and this baby." Matt said. It didn't help much. I frowned at his words. "Hmm...well, you could start of by telling..."

"No! Don't even say it!" I covered my ears, making little "lala" sounds at Matt.

"Okay, scratch that plan..." Matt chuckled a little bit. "But Josline, you are going to make a great mother." Matt said.

"Babies hate me though!" I said. "Whenever I'm around them, they cry!" Another thought clicked in my head. "What if Josh leaves me?" I asked suddenly of Matt. He looked a bit shocked that I would ask that.

"I don't think he would leave you." Matt stated simply.

"But..." He stopped me before I could barely start my sentence.

"Josh is fucking head over heels for you Jaws. The last time I talked to him he said that he would probably be seriously messed up if it wasn't for you." Matt said, trying to comfort me. "He can't imagine life without you." I wiped the tears escaping my eyes.

"Really?" I looked up at Matt, who was still taller than me sitting on the bed.

"Yes really. He loves you Jaws. More than anything."

"More than coke zero?" I joked.

"Well, that's questionable." Matt laughed. I gave Matt a quick hug and thanked him. He walked out of my room, and no one came in after that. I guess they figured I needed to be alone for a little while. I looked at my cell phone, contemplating calling Josh. I shook my head at the thought, but decided I needed to call someone any ways. I quickly dialed Keith's number.

"Yellow?" Keith's voice said.

"Hi Keith." I said.

"Hey Shark Attack. What's up?" He asked.

"You know how about a week ago you took me to the womens clinic?" I asked.

"Yeah..." I didn't say anything, waiting for him to figure it out on his own. After about a minute of silence, "Shit...seriously?"

"Yeah..." Was the only thing I could muster to say.

"You know, I'll be there for you if you need it." Keith said.

"Thank you Keith. I appreciate it." I said.

"Have you..." He stopped himself.

"No, I haven't told Josh yet." I said. How many times were people going to say that?

"How are you going to tell him? Are you going to dance around the subject...or just flat out tell him?"

"I think I'll hyperventalate then tell him." I said. "But, honestly Keith, I don't know what to do." I said.

"Finding the courage in yourself to tell Josh could be a start." Keith said. "And finding the strength to accept it yourself should also be good." Keith was sounding very proffesional at that moment.

"Have I ever been courageous?" I asked.

"Are you fucking kidding me Josline? You have to be the bravest soul I have ever met. You are the toughest little girl I know too. You've been through much harder times, and even though this is a hard time for you, and even though I can't relate to it right now, you'll pull through. You're a strong girl, Josline. And you'll make the right choice." Keith said.

Honestly, I had one of the greatest families in the world. They were always so supportive of my decisions, and I loved them for it. My parents were, and always will be there, no matter what. Keith is my serious, motivational/inspirational go-to man, and Airin...Airin was my rock. I loved all of my family, but even my friends were always there for me. Jazz, was an absolute rockstar when it came to making me feel better. When ever we had our girl-days, I felt so much better about myself. And Matt, he was the biggest goof ball I had ever met. He always had some way of making me feel better, even when I was at my worst.

Then there was Josh...Josh made me lose all thought completely. He made me shut up when I was freaking out about something, and he was such a comforting person. He had been there for me since I had basically met him. I never wanted to lose him, because the first time was painful enough for me. But, I was scared about if that was going to change in a instant. I didn't know how Josh felt about kids.

But I had to tell him.