Start To Begin Again

Piece Twelve.

I bit back a cough and tried to swallow it but I failed and it came out harsher then if I let out the first time. Zacky mumbled in his sleep but his eyes stayed closed. I sighed and kept my head on his chest. Just above his heart. Far enough I couldn’t hear it but close enough I could still slightly feel it beating. I kept my legs hooked with his and my arms stretched around him.

He let out a tiny snore and pulled me even closer to him, if it was possible. I couldn’t sleep so easily though. My mind kept wandering to my mother and father. I didn’t know whether to feel angry or worried but one emotion I felt perfectly was sadness. I closed my eyes and tried to get the feeling to go away but it stuck to my heart like glue on paper. I let out a troubled sigh.

“Go to sleep,” Zacky said softly. I jumped slightly but all it did was make me bump into his body more. He rubbed my back and let out a breath before settling back into sleep. I couldn’t though. So I shifted uneasily till Zacky finally let out another aggravated sigh.

“Linette, Go to sleep.” He groaned. I looked up at him and saw the frustration and the sleepiness in his half opened eyes.

“I can’t sleep,” I said softly. The emotion was quickly replaced with lust but went back to sleepiness. I smiled to myself. Zacky was too tired to have sex. That was a first.

“What are you smiling at?” He yawned.

“You’re too tired to have sex,” I chuckled. He tried to say never but he was interrupted by another yawn. I kissed his chest and rolled away from him

“Where are you going? Come back here,” He whined, “I’m not tired.” He yawned again. I shook my head. Sleepiness and lust were fighting in his head and for once Sleepy was winning.

“Go to sleep. I’m gonna go take a shower and try to relax,” He nodded but stopped.

“Call me if you need any help,” He said failing to wink. I shook my head and leaned over to kiss his cheek. He turned at the last minute and caught my lips. It started off soft but quickly I was under him and was fisting his hair. He pulled away and smiled. He was tired. I kissed his nose and pulled myself out from under him.

“You always ruin my fun,” He said rolling back onto his back, “Oh well, at least in my dreams you can’t ruin it,” I rolled my eyes and laughed when he fell back asleep, letting out a loud snore. Sleepy One…Lust…I lost count.

I walked around the bed and leaned down. This time I kissed his forehead. His lips closed and formed a smile. I brushed his growing hair and walked to the bathroom. I could hear say something but I decided to ignore it.

I almost closed the door but his cell phone started to ring. I sighed a curse and ran back into the room. I grabbed it from on top of his clothes and ran back into the bathroom before answering.

“Hello?” I said closing and locking the door.

“Who’s this?” A female voice said back.

“Linette. Who’s this?” I asked. I could hear a harsh sigh before they took a breath.

“So you’re Linette. I always wondered what you sounded like.” She paused, “I’m Gena. I doubt you’ve heard of me,”

“Brian told me,” I said slowly, “Why are you calling Zacky?” She sighed.

“To talk but I guess that’s not an option since you picked up the phone,” I was shocked to hear relief not bitterness in her voice, “I’m kinda buzzed so I guess its better you answered. I actually had a reason to call,” She said.

“What is it?” I asked.

“I actually originally wanted to call because I think I left a box of mine in the attic and I didn’t notice till now. It’s not a ploy. It’s a box of photo albums. You can check. It should say my name on the box,” She said.

“I can’t check right now. We’re…not home,” The words seemed to freeze on my tongue. Home.

“Well if you can check when you get back, I’d appreciate it.”

“Not a problem,”

“I don’t want him back.” She said firmly, “He’s great and all but I don’t want him back. I just wanted to say that.”

“Okay…”

“Well, um. Bye then,”

“Bye,” I said hanging up. I shrugged off the strange feeling that came over me. I replayed that sentence. ‘We’re not…home.’ Why did I freeze? Why couldn’t I say it smoother? Easier? I shook out my thoughts and walked to the shower. I stopped and turned and walked back into the room. Zacky was still asleep. I dropped the cell phone onto the carpet and crawled over him. He shifted slightly but didn’t wake up till I kissed him so hard I bruised my lips and could feel bone. He pulled away and looked at me

“You’re mine,” I said softly. He seemed to see something in me that I couldn’t feel. He brought himself up and kissed me softly but enough that I could feel the attention that he was giving me. Sleep was far from his mind but the way he kissed I knew sex was too.

He tried to pull away but I caught his face in my hands and held the kiss longer. I didn’t want to stop it just yet. I wanted to think that time could stop even if for just a moment.

I felt his thumbs touch my cheeks wiping tears I didn’t even notice were coming. He pulled his hands away and wrapped me close to him. We didn’t even break for a millisecond from the kiss that seemed to consume us both. I let out a tiny sigh and small cry into the kiss. Something in me hurt and I didn’t know what.

Zacky pulled away finally.

He opened his mouth to say something but I kissed his lips again. I wanted to be close to him. To feel safe. To feel like nothing was wrong. That nothing could go wrong. He moved his hands to my sides and pulled me away.

“What’s wrong?” He said looking at me. I shook my head and gasped at words that wouldn’t leave my throat. He moved his calloused thumbs over my face and wiped the slowly forming stream of tears.

“I…I don’t know,” I said finally, “Zacky. Make me feel safe,” I said softly bringing my forehead close to his. He knew what I meant. When he came back from our first long separation, I had said the same thing. So he kissed me again and rolled us so I was beneath him and tried help heal the wound in my heart that was forming.

….

I woke up away from Zacky’s sleeping body. I could see the snow falling from the sky through the open window. I looked at the mandatory alarm clock that sat on the night stand. It was barely past ten. I turned my head and saw Zacky’s eyes flutter. He opened them a little and looked at me. He grabbed my hand and smiled.

“Come here,” He said nodding his head. I crawled and put my head on his shoulder. He sighed contently and kissed my hair.

“Feel better,” He asked softly. I started to say No but instead I said yes. He sighed and rubbed my back. I felt worse. Ashamed.

“Good, I don’t like seeing you sad.” I nodded and forced a happy look on my face before looking up at him.

“Do you want to go to the diner for some breakfast?” I asked, “My aunt probably has those strawberry pancakes you like so much,” He smiled and kissed my forehead.

“Sounds like a plan. Just let me take a quick shower,” I nodded and let him pull away. I pulled the sheet around my body as he stumbled over his cell phone.

“What…” he picked it up and looked at the caller ID, “Gena…” He turned around.

“Is this why…Linette, I love you not her,”

“I know,”

“Then what was that last night?” he asked walking back to the bed. I looked at his face. How could I tell him that it wasn’t the phone call that bothered me? It was something that has almost nothing to do with us. I smiled again and touched his cheek with my hand.

“Zacky…”How could I explain it? I couldn’t find the words, “I love you.” I said leaning forward and melted against his body the only barrier was the sheet that covered my body. He sighed and pulled me away.

“What did she want?” He asked.

“She thinks she still has a box of her stuff in your attic and wanted me to take a look when we got….home,” It happened again. I didn’t know if Zacky caught it or not but he didn’t register it in his response.

“That’s it?”

“And that she doesn’t want you back,” I smiled. He smiled and kissed my cheek.

“And that I only want you,” I smiled even brighter and kissed his cheek back. He was happy. So he went back to the bathroom and closed the door. I dropped my smile as soon as he did.

Something was keeping me from feeling completely happy and it was driving me insane. I was glad to have him back by my side but for some reason I had to fake my smile but I knew I loved him but something felt wrong in me. Something didn’t want me to be happy.