Playing With Fire

I knew it was too good to be true.

The moment I saw the picture in the magazine, my face turned into a frown. I knew I didn’t have time to read the article in the store, so I placed it in the cart as Mrs. Jonas finished the rest of the shopping.

We waited in the check-out line, paid for the groceries, and bagged them up into the cart. After walking out to the SUV, we packed up the bags in the trunk and drove home. My mind was racing the entire time. Who was she and what was she doing with him?

After helping Mrs. Jonas bring the bags of food into the house, I took the magazine in my hand and proceeded to the basement, taking a seat on the sofa under a blanket. I flipped through the pages, finally reaching the heart wrenching picture, and began to read the article.

“Seventeen has the latest and greatest news on Niley, our favorite Disney couple! We spoke to Miley Cyrus herself and got all of the juicy details.

It all began on a sunny afternoon in August. Nick Jonas, the youngest member of the hot new band ‘The Jonas Brothers’ was doing a promo concert in Trenton, New Jersey, where he met the beautiful and talented, Miley Cyrus, star of the Disney Channel hit ‘Hannah Montana.’ The two instantly clicked and became good friends. Sources tell us that they would text-message constantly and go down to the recording studio often, as seen by the steamy picture to the left, where they are strolling happily down the street to Gold Star Studios. We asked Miley herself about her rumored romance and here’s what she had to say:

‘People ask me all the time who my favorite Jonas Brother is and it’s definitely Nick. He’s so down-to-earth and such a rock star, two of my favorite things. I can’t say much about it because it’s private, but I will say that we’re more than just friends, if you catch my drift,’

Hmm, sounds like they’re a couple, all right. We’ll see if this buds into something more serious and Seventeen will always be the first one to report on it.”

The magazine fell to the floor. It was like a razor-sharp dagger had been pierced through my heart. He couldn’t go public with me, but he could flaunt a relationship with her, just because she was Disney branded? And the part that cut me the most was the fact that I had to find out from a gossip magazine. Tears began to fall down my face and I held onto Layla for support. I knew it was too good to be true. I knew that it made no sense for Nick to love me – I was broken, second best. I knew he would get tired of all the hassle and find someone else. I knew it.

I heard the front door open and close, and then there was the sound of sneakers hitting the stairs fast. I couldn’t move – I was paralyzed.

“Kara! Kara!” I heard Nick yell as he ran down the stairs. My back was facing him. “I missed you so much today,” His voice was getting closer to me.

I gripped the magazine in my hand and stood up slowly, turning around to face him. Looking at his face brought more tears to my eyes.

“Kara?” he asked, this time softer, “Why are you crying?” He reached his hands out to me, creasing his eyebrows. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, but I placed my palms against his chest and pushed him away. His face made me cry even more. It was all fake.

I turned the magazine around, showing him the picture and the article, as the crying became uncontrollable. He didn’t even take a minute to look at it. He just saw the picture and knew.

“Kara, it’s not what you think,” he said to me.

I couldn’t respond. I couldn’t think. It felt like the room was spinning.

I dropped the magazine on the floor and began to walk upstairs as he followed me. “Kara, listen to me. It’s not real!” he screamed.

I knew he would trail after me wherever I went, so I made my way to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I couldn’t think straight. I needed time alone and it hurt too much to see him speak so sweetly to me.

“Kara!” He continued to yell my name outside the bathroom, banging on the door. He was begging me to listen to him, but I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t real.

Why did everything in my life crumble down on me? Every single thing was cursed. Even Nick, the one person who brought me the most comfort, had turned against me. I had been so relaxed, so completely at ease around him. He had been the one constant thing in my life; the base of everything I held close to my heart. I sank to the floor and sobbed, ignoring Nick’s pleading calls.

It was all over.

Why had I fallen for it in the first place? I was so stupid to ever think that someone as perfect as Nick could ever want me, a shattered soul. He was always so good to me – so completely and utterly phenomenal. It was only about time. He’d finally snapped out of it.

He found someone better.

What made her so much better than me was obvious. Her hair was sleek and straight, so much different from my wild curls. She had the perfect figure – thin and toned. Me? I had a bulging stomach and tired ankles. She could sing and dance and act…

And oh God, her eyes. They were large and blue – spectacular next to me. Nick always said he liked eyes. Next to her, I was shabby and worthless.

I had always been worthless.

That’s why I was raped. That’s why Nick left me. That’s why Mikenna and her mother betrayed me. That’s why my brother never called.

Because I was nothing.

I put my head in my hands and focused on breathing. It felt as though the walls were slowly closing in on me – I was collapsing from the inside out. My face was hot and dripping with tears, I could feel it. But I couldn’t feel my legs. I was numb. I couldn’t move anymore. My core felt like it had been torn apart and shredded to pieces. I touched my hand to my heart. Without Nick, it had no harmony. His beating was my song – my existence. Without him, I had nothing anymore.

Without Nick, there was no use in living.

I brought myself to my feet after stumbling over twice. My head was racing. I reached over to the sink where a white mug was perched, holding three toothbrushes and a tube of Crest. I knocked them aside and found it.

The razor.

If I couldn’t have Nick, I had no reason to go on. I was nothing. Worthless. I would leave him so he could be happy with her – forever together in the spotlight, making money and being rockstars. It was a life I wasn’t meant for. Fame.

Fame was a monster.

With a quivering hand, I brought the blade to my inner wrist and made a fist. I was ready. I was ready to give Nick away to what he was born to do. I was an intruder in his life on stage. I was ready to accept that he had replaced me. He was my sunlight. He was my hope. And he had to be happy, even if I wasn’t.

I felt it touch my skin – it was cold and sharp. But it hadn’t punctured me yet.

Something caught my eye and my heart stopped.

The bright glimmer of the silver band around my left ring finger was looking at me, sparkling. I felt my eyes widen.

I love you and I want you in my life forever, he had said.

The razor fell from my hand and onto the floor as I gazed at the ring.

‘I promise. I love you.’

Tears built up once more. He had made a promise. Nick Jonas didn’t break promises.

He loved me.

I looked down. There was Layla. Why should she have to suffer for anything? If I had done it, if the blade had drew blood, she would’ve been forced to go with me. I couldn’t have that.

I was ashamed of myself.

Then I remembered him crying and shrieking my name. I spun around, panicking, and threw open the door.

There he was.

He was sitting against the wall as I had done with his head in his hands.

“Nick,” I whispered, falling to the floor beside him and touching his knee. I didn’t deserve him. The tears fell down my face in waterfalls.

He looked up at me slowly and my stomach sank. Those eyes were back. His dead, devastated eyes from three months ago had returned. I gasped at them – bloodshot, full of tears, swollen. They were killing me. I never wanted to witness those gorgeous eyes experience such torture ever again. But once again, it was all my fault. I had jumped to conclusions. I judged before I knew. I didn’t listen to him. I caused him pain. I was a terrible, dreadful person.

“It’s not true, Kara,” he kept repeating, voice cracking, “It’s not true,”

His desperate pleas only caused me to cry harder. I made him beg. I had pushed him away, for Christ’s sake. What kind of person does that?

“Don’t cry,” he whispered to me, placing his hands on both sides of my face, “I’m so sorry. Please, don’t cry,” He began wiping my tears as new ones filled in his own eyes. I reached up to do the same for him when he told me, “I hate seeing you cry,”

He pulled me against him and we cried together for a while – I was oblivious over what really happened, but honestly I didn’t care. His eyes told me it wasn’t true – they had begged me and I willingly obliged. The diamonds on my hand meant and the love in his heart meant so much more than a picture in a magazine. It made me nauseous as I thought of how I believed some editor instead of Nick. I was terrible.

When our crying simmered down, he took a deep breath and began to talk. I could feel the tears begin to resurface, but I forced them down.

“Kara,” he whispered.

I shook my head. I didn’t need him to explain.

“Hear me out, Kara,” he continued. His face was pale and his hair was tousled. “It’s not true. None of it is true. I’m not with her and we don’t hang out. I don’t even like her. She’s annoying as hell. Please, Kara. Believe me. It’s not true. I swear it,”

I sighed deeply.

“I’m so sorry, Kara,” he said, shaking, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean to make you cry. It’s the last thing I want to do. Ever,”

“No,” I defended in a low voice, “I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. I’m sorry. It just…made sense,”

“No, Kara. I love you. You know that. Don’t ever expect anything less than that,”

I couldn’t speak anymore. I was listening to his heart and I was healing. I didn’t want the sound to ever go away.

“It was Charlene’s idea,” he continued.

“Nick, you don’t have to explain,” I felt stupid for getting upset in the first place.

“No, I want you to know,” he continued, “I would’ve told you days ago but I didn’t want you to be upset. People had been seeing you around us, even when we weren’t acting like a couple, and they thought you were one of our girlfriends, so Charlene thought to use Miley as a cover-up. I just have to hang out with her enough so that the cameras catch it. She just takes it too far,” I could sense the irritation in his voice.
“She said you guys were dating,” I said.

“Did she? Jesus…” He tensed up. “She’s talented, don’t get me wrong. But God, she gets on my last nerves. I wish Charlene could’ve chosen someone I can actually stand to be around. She chose her because she’s just as famous as we are and apparently people will swallow up the gossip. I hate that part of this job,” he finished.

I looked up into his eyes. “I’m sorry,” I said again, touching his face, “I didn’t even give you a chance to explain. Being the secret girlfriend of a celebrity just hasn’t sunk in yet,”

Nick tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and leaned in to kiss me. Our lives would never be easy – they had changed so much. Everything the boys did was public. Everyone knew their names and nothing they did could be kept under wraps. It was so tough.

But Nick and I were going to stick it out together. We made a promise to each other that night that we wouldn’t let it come between us. I trusted him with everything and he vowed that it will all be better in a few months.

I prayed to God that he would be right.