Playing With Fire

It surprised me that my mom didn't send Nick death glares all night. But it wasn't surprising that she didn't look at him at all. She always loved him before. But not anymore. I guess she always wanted the perfect daughter with the perfect grades and the perfect girlfriends - a guy best friend ruined all that. She didn't get it. She never would.

After my initial reunion with Nick and his family, it was bound to get awkward. The word "rape" lingered on everyone's lips. I could tell. I glanced down at my body. I looked so different from everyone else. I wasn't healthy in the least. When my mom offered everyone someone to eat, I refused. She retrieved to the kitchen with Mrs. Jonas and I knew that they were discussing how annorexic I looked and how premature the baby would be. I just couldn't eat food. I only drank water. That's it. I ignored the weird pregnancy cravings for chocolate or tuna salad. I could feel the tension between the boys as they sipped their Red Bulls and I sat there empty-handed.

"So," Joe began. He wasn't one to handle awkward situations well, but I envied him for trying. "We really missed you, Kara." I looked at him and smiled. I could see the pain in his eyes and it was scorching. I realized I was contagious, bringing sorrow to everyone in my life. I turned to Nick. He was staring off into space, his pale pale and flushed. I'd never seen him cry as much as he'd cried when he hugged me. He looked as if someone had just punched him in the gut repeatedly. I wanted to go over to him and comfort him - to take back all of the pain I'd caused him.

"Nick," I said, barely audible. He looked at me with devastated eyes. They haunt me to this day. I stood up slowly. Kevin and Joe prepared to catch me if I stumbled, as did every else who was around a pregnant woman, much less a pregnant teenager. I took Nick's hand and led him outside. The only place in my house that brought me comfort now was the patio. I felt safe there and that was rare. Nick helped me into a chair and sat down next to me. He looked so helpless.

"Kara, I am so sorry," he managed to say, taking my hand. His eyes filled with tears fast. I brought my other hand to his face gently. This wasn't his burden - it was mine.

"Don't be," I said, "Please."

"No, listen to me," he said, "God, Kara..." He squeezed my hand and stood up, starting to pace back and forth. "It was all my fault. I shouldn't have -"

"No, Nick, you listen to me. Don't you think that even for a second, okay?" My body tensed up.

"I shouldn't have left you," he continued. "I shouldn't stayed and walked home with you so you'd be safe! God! I'm so stupid!" He ran his fingers through his curly hair violently. I shook my head and stood up, holding onto his shoulders.

"Stop," I whispered. "Never."

He sobbed into my shoulder. It wasn't right. He wasn't supposed to be in pain. I was. It was my mistake, not his. I was responsible for his grief and it killed me.

It was absolutely killing me.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I didn't realize how much I'd missed in the past few months. During my mother's lockdown phase, I had nothing. No radio. No television. Nothing to keep up with today's pop culture. When I was released, I just didn't care anymore. It became a habit now - a part of my life. Seclusion. All I did was get up and sit around. I thought about many things. Nick, my old friends, my school - anything that would keep my mind off of what happened. But honestly, it only led to more water works and eventually I ran out of tears to cry. I couldn't help it. It was always on my mind.

But now, here, it was off my mind for once. It just disappeared for a while. I was in peace, laughing and being a kid with Nick. He and his brothers were in the basement with me. I knew that they felt sorry for me. I hated that. But they made me smile and for a moment, everything was okay.

"Oh, man, " sighed Joe. He had just gotten over a severe laughing fit. We'd been reminiscing about when we were younger. We were insane - On Kevin's tenth birthday, we got together and pushed him into the pool at his party. He blushed and smacked the back of Joe's head.

"Moron," said Kevin. I laughed.

"So, Kara," Joe began after rubbing his head for a few seconds. "Have you heard Year 3000?"

"Joe, don't!" yelled Nick in defense.

"Um, no I haven't," I said. I felt so stupid saying it too. Joe raised his eyebrows and grinned. He was up to something. I could tell because Nick was trying ever so hard to stop him from doing whatever he was trying to do.

"You should hear it," He said as he stood up, pushing Nick away every other second. "Personally, I think the guys who sing it are pure genius." He smirked. He pulled out a disc from his pocket. He knew I hadn't heard it. Kids don't just carry discs in their jean pockets like that, even bubbly ones like Joe. He slipped it into the DVD player and turned on the television. Nick was being held back in a head lock by a smiling Kevin, but at least he'd stopped squirming. I'd predicted it to be one of those stupid YouTube parodies they were always making and Nick thought he looked embarassing in it.

After Joe switched on the TV, I saw it was a music video. The opening notes of the song were catchy and upbeat. I liked it.

Then, I saw a boy. He looked extremely familiar - dark curly locks, chocolate brown eyes, and a lanky but muscular build. He was cute. Then, I saw two more extremely cute, familiar boys. It took me a second, but I finally realized that it was Nick, Kevin, and Joe. My boys!

They were singing!

I stood up with my jaw dropped, walking towards the screen in utter shock and stopping right in front of it. I couldn't believe it. They were absolutely amazing. Of course, I always knew that they could sing like saints and play a handful of instruments, but it was always just us. Campires, lazy summer days, my birthday parties. They never played in front of anyone but me and their parents, even if I begged them to. But there they were - Kevin on guiar, Joe on keyboard, Nick on guitar and a mic.

"Like it?" Kevin asked when it was over. He'd released Nick from his head lock and Nick had taken a seat on the couch, eyeing me carefully.

"Like it?" I replied. "Are you kidding me? I love it!" I hugged each one of them. I was so very proud.

"That day..." Nick began when we all sat down. He was hesitant, scratching the back of his head nervously. "...the reason I couldn't walk home with you was..." I wanted him to stop right there. I knew he was going to come up with another reason why it was all his fault, like he'd been doing ever since he got there. But I kept listening for his sake. "We had a meeting with this guy..." he paused. "To talk record deal."

I grinned. For the first time in five months, I lit up. Bright as ever. "No way!" I looked from Nick to Joe to Kevin. "That's amazing! That's incredible! I'm so happy for you!" They smiled.

"The album comes out in August," Kevin added with a sort of twinkle in his eye. My grin grew bigger, matching Joe's.

"But Kara..." Nick said. I turned to him. His smile was wiped away. God, there was always a "but" to every piece of good news. I stopped smiling myself. "I regret it every day of my life."

"No, Nick. Don't. Please," I begged him. Kevin and Joe slowly transformed their faces to match Nick's - full of guilt and sympathy. "God, guys..." I stood up, stumbling a little bit but regaining my balance. "This is your dream. And you know it." My eyes filled with tears. I didn't want to interfere with what they were destined to become - something bigger than what was offered to them in this tiny Jersey town.

"Our dream versus your life, Kara," Joe spoke up with certainty.

"Joseph, I'm here! I'm alive!" I yelled, motioning to my beating heart. I wished so much that they'd understand. "You didn't know what would happen that day. You can't blame yourselves!"

"But we do," said Kevin. "And it's too late." His eyes drifted to my stomach.

"No, it's not, Kevin! You-" I stopped and felt the blood rush down from my brain. My body went numb. I couldn't hear or feel a thing. But I saw Nick run towards me in silence.

Next thing I knew, I was in the bathroom, throwing up. Instinct, I guess. Damn hormones. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't eat, so puking only rid my body of water and blood, leaving me feeling dead and weak. I shut my eyes and tried to focus on something else other than the burning pain in my stomach. I began to cry. The pain was unbearable and it was going to last for a few days.

"Shh, Kara. It's okay. I'm here," I heard Nick's soothing voice faintly. He'd been holding me close to him, one hand on my back and another holding back my hair. How lovely. He had a front row seat to the show.

"Go away," I said through my sobs. "You don't need to see this." I puked again.

"Like hell, Kara. I'm staying right here." He tightened his grip on me and rubbed my back. We were both sprawled on the bathroom floor, over the toilet. To me, it was utterly disgusting.

Finally, the puking ended. I tried to divert my eyes from the bloody mess in the toilet and flushed. I leaned back against the opposite wall, wiping my mouth with my sleeve. There was a devastating sting of pain in my right side and I sobbed out in pain. I tried to hold back my tears and reached out to Nick. I needed to touch him. I couldn't find him.

"I'm right here," he said, taking hold of my hand and pulling me onto his lap.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm so sorry."