Playing With Fire

When life takes a turn for the worst, your only option is to adapt. I'd lived through countless traumatic experiences, time after time. Everything I did was wrong. Nothing healed the wound that was permanently a part of my heart. It was ripped apart every time it came close to being mended. I couldn't figure out why.

But there was one thing I knew for sure: my mother abandoning me had done me nothing but good.

The day I read my mother's email, Nick ran to my side and I took my place against his chest. He read the email and cried with me for hours.

When Mr. and Mrs. Jonas found out, they immediately moved me in with them, without question and without hesitation. That night, none of us slept except Frankie. I sat on the living room couch with Nick's arm around me, Joe at my feet holding my hand, and Kevin rubbing my back. I was trying so hard not to burst out in tears as the boys' parents discussed the situation.

"We'll have to pack up all of Kara's things," Paul began, "Get ahold of Kara's medical records."

"My God, who in their right mind would do such a thing?" Denise Jonas whispered, touching my knee. My mother was never this loving. "Kara..." A tear escaped her eye.

Nick tightened his grip on me and hid his face in my hair. After some more planning, it was set that Mrs. Jonas would take me to the doctor in two days and the boys were responsible for helping me settle in. I felt so wrong - like I was imposing. But that wasn't the only thought that strook horror in my mind: What was going to happen to my baby? How would I support her? Was I even going to go to college? Too many questions, not enough time.

I walked up to my old bedroom to pack my things. So many good memories from the past filled the walls. I went from Barbies to iPods there, light-up sneakers to bras.

I layed a black suitcase open on my bed and swung open my closet. My stomach wasn't too big, so I could still fit into old t-shirts and stretchable camisoles from middle school. I folded up my jeans, jackets, sweaters, pajamas, and the very few maternity tops I owned. My mom always refused to buy them, so I got my friend Katie to drive me to the mall to get some. Usually, I just wore babydoll dresses and tops and I was okay with that.

I packed up my bathroom necesities and underwear. In the end, I only had three suitcases and a Victoria's Secret tote bag from Katie on my fourteenth birthday. I examined my empty room and prepared to say goodbye.

"That's it?" Joe asked from behind me. I turned around and saw that he was pointing to the small suitcases. It was true, I didn't have much.

"That's it," I sighed.

"Alright," he said, picking up a suitcase and lugging it over his shoulder.

"DANG! Ms. Chanel's room is ginormous!" Kevin exclaimed, walking in from my mom's old room and picking up a suitcase of his own. Nick walked in, immediately putting a soft hand on my shoulder. "She had like, a thousand dollar bathrub!" Kevin went on. Nick shot him an okay-we-get-the-point-now-please-shut-up-now look.

I laughed without humor. "She bought that with my dad's child support money after the new year." I stared at my feet. Nick pulled me into a hug and no one said anything after that. We reached the boys' house - or my house, as Mr. Jonas had told me to call it.

"We would've put you in the guest room, Kara dear, but we don't want you to be all by yourself," Mrs. J scurried about, straightening up the basement as she talked. The original plan was to have me bunk with little seven-year-old Frankie, but the older boys refused and offered to stay down in the basement with me instead. With only three beds fitting in the basement, they had to take turns. Nick made it known to the whole family that he had a permanent spot, which made Joe and Kevin mad when they heard they had to alternate each night. They were so sweet - wanting to keep me safe like that. It made me smile to know that they weren't treating me well out of pity because this was exactly how our friendships were, ever since Nick and I met.

Plus, I felt safe with them. One hundred and ten percent safe. When they touched me, no memories. I could cry with them and they wouldn't mind. They didn't look at me in disgust or disgrace. They made me laugh and best of all, they cared about me. They truly cared.

"So," began Kevin on my first night at the Jonas house. We'd retreated to the basement a few hours before bedtime to hang out. "What movie?" he asked. I didn't think he was asking me in particular, so I waited for one of the other boys to answer.

Nothing.

I sighed. "I dunno. You guys pick."

"C'mon, Kara," Joe whined. "You know all of us and you're the best movie picker." I rolled my eyes and examinded their shelf full of DVDs, already familiar with every one they owned.

"Guys, I really can't pick," I told them.

"Pick at random. Close your eyes or something," Kevin said, motioning me to the shelf. I shut my eyes and felt the DVDs, pulled one out, and looked at the title.

"Juno." Ironic.

"We can pick something else," Joe said.

"No," I defended. "It's okay, really." I honestly didn't mind. I was over it. With them, I forgot. They let me be a kid for once and the pregnant thing didn't bother me one bit. So, I popped the DVD into the player and pressed "play." Kevin turned off the lights and we got comfortable. It was Kevin, Joe, me, and Nick - exactly in that order - sprawled on the couch under a blanket. Joe eventually fell off the couch from laughing about a half hour into the movie, then he sprung back up and pushed Kevin off for laughing at him. I sat with both hands on my stomach and my head on Nick's shoulder, like always.

The movie ended with Kevin fast asleep, which automatically made him the first to sleep in the basement with me and Nick. Joe groaned sleepily and went upstairs to his bedroom after hugging me goodnight. We got Kevin sleep and sound in his bed and laid down in our own, hearing nothing but our voices, the heating, and Kevin's soft breathing.

"Tell me something, Kara..." Nick whispered.

"Hmm," I said.

"Why did drinking that hot chocolate affect you so much?" He sounded hesitant.

My heart sank. I knew he was going to ask at some point. "Nick, you have to understand... There are certain things that, um.. Remind me of it." Nick waited for me to continue. "I was drinking hot chocolate when it happened."

He was silent. "Nick?"

"I'm so sorry, Kara," he said with a husky voice. "I shouldn't have made you drink it. I'm sorry."

"No, Nick. I'm sorry," I said.

"What?"

"I'm sorry that I make you feel like everything is your fault. Because it's not, okay? It's not."

Nick sighed and reached across the space between our beds to hold my hand. "I thought of some names," Nick whispered. His voice was low and smooth. Comforting.

"You did?" I asked, surprised.

"Yup."

"Alright, shoot." I closed my eyes and focused on Nick's voice. It was like music to my ears.

"Well, Kevin really likes Madison," he paused. "Madison Grace. And Joe really likes preppy names like Stacy or Ashley or something. Frankie likes Denise, but that's our mom so of course he would..." he trailed off.

"What about you, Nick?" I asked him. "What do you like?"

"Um, well... I like Kara," he said. I smiled.

"Aw, Nick. That's sweet." I heard him laugh. "But I'm not going to name my daughter Kara Junior."

"Why not?" he teased.

"Kids'll make fun of her!" We laughed together.

"Well, other than Kara, I like unusual names."

"Like..."

"Like, um, Elliott or Peyton or..." he paused. "Layla."

"Layla," I echoed. "That's beautiful."

We heard Kevin toss and turn. "Goodnight, Kara," Nick said sweetly. "Sweet dreams."

"You too, Nick." I lay there, hearing Nick's breaths become deep and even. His fingers were still wrapped around mine. I stared at the cieling, feeling my stomach. This baby was coming soon. I thought of the day she'd be born and how happy everyone would be, then I slowly drifted off to sleep.

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"Congratulations, Ms. Chanel. It's a beautiful baby girl," The nurse put the delicate, sleeping baby in my arms as I lay in the hospital bed, sweaty and tired. I smiled down at her gorgeous pink face as everyone around me took pictures and Nick stood next to me with his hand on my shoulder.

"She's stunning, just like her mom," he said. Then, he leaned in slowly and kissed me tenderly on the lips.

"Kara? Karaaaa? Helloooo? Earth to mommy-to-be!"

My eyes opened slowly. It was just a dream. I looked around and saw Joseph sitting on the edge of my bed, waving his hands in front of my face.

"I really wish you didn't wake me up, Joseph," I said crankily, leaning back against my pillow.

He laughed. "I'm guessing you were having a good dream." He raised his eyebrows at me.

"What makes you say that?" I asked him, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

"Oh, I don't know.. Oh, yeah! Maybe because you were puckering your lips in your sleep," he said, grinning. I blushed and opened my mouth to sleep when Nicholas suddenly swung open the bathroom door and walked out. He was completely oblivious to the fact that I was sitting there in awe over his beauty.

He had just gotten our of the shower, hair damp and shirtless. I saw Joe stare at me in disbelief and snapped out of my trance. He looked from me to his baby brother and I shook my head in denial. He didn't believe me. He shouldn't have. Denying Nick's beautiful physique was a down right lie.

Nick acknowledged us with a nod and slipped a white undershirt over his head, then a striped dress shirt over it. I watched intently as he fixed the collar, rolled up his sleeves, and unbuttoned the first few buttons on the top. He dried his hair with a towel and slippsed his purity ring onto his left ring finger. God, he was so beautiful. After what happened, having feelings for another boy never crossed my mind, but I had been in love with Nick for my whole life. This feeling was new, exciting, unknown... I was confused.

"It's all yours," he said to me, smiling and ushering towards the bathroom. I returned the smile and kicked off the covers. I walked past Nick into the bathroom.

I'd learned it's nearly impossible to feel sexy when you're pregnant, so I left that job to Nick. I stood in the doorway of the bathroom as I watched him join his brothers in a game of Guitar Hero and smiled. Joe caught me staring and rolled his eyes jokingly. I laughed and shut the door, turning on the shower. I stripped off my pajama bottoms and t-shirt and got into the hot shower. I shampooed and conditioned my hair with the products I'd brought over from my house, scrubbed my body with my favorite Sweet Pea body wash, and shaved. When the water got cool, I turned it off and wrapped my hair in a towel. I wrapped another towel around my chest and stepped out into the cold basement.

Kevin was doing his victory dance as poor Joe frowned. Nick had given up and went to his real guitar on the couch. I escaped to the closet before they noticed me and picked out an outfit: dark wash skinny jeans and a hot pink babydoll top. I went back into the bathroom to change, brush my teeth, and do my hair and makeup.

I took a second to examine myself in the mirror. I looked pretty decent compared to the wreck I had been a few days ago. I was set on the fact that moving in with Jonas family was indeed the best thing that ever happened to me, even if it wasn't by choice. I was finally starting to get my confidence back and my discovery of my crush on Nick was proof of that.

I walked out of the bathroom, satisfied with myself, and met up with the boys. Joe was losing terribly and Nick was playing random chords on his Gibson.

"Oh, my God! Are you kidding me? I totally hit that note!" Kevin exploded, still playing the game. "Ugh! Kara, you saw me hit that note, right?"

Before I could answer, Nick answered with, "Relax, Kevin. It was one note. Either way, you're still gonna beat Joe."

"HEY!" Joe yelled, glaring at Nick and missing ten more notes, stumbling to get back into it, then losing miserably.

"Ha! That's five times in a row!" Kevin gloated, pausing the game and removing the plastic guitar from around his neck.

"Yeah, yeah," replied Joe. I laughed.

"Anyone hungry?" yelled Mrs. Jonas from upstairs. "Breakfast is ready!" As if on cue, the three boys darted for the stairs, jumping over each other and racing to get to the kitchen. It only took a few seconds for Nick to come back downstairs and help me up. We made it up in time to watch Joe shove spoonfuls of eggs into his mouth, then wash it down with a gulp of orange juice. I started to make my way to one of the empty chairs when Nick grabbed ahold of my arm gently.

"You're going to have breakfast," he said simply but sternly. He walked over to the dishwasher after kissing his mother good morning, pulled out two bowls and set them on the counter. He reached up to open a cupboard for the box of Corn Pops. I stared at his flawless face as he poured an equal amount of cereal and milk into each bowl. I examined each curl in his brown hair and the way they flipped at the ends. He handed me the bowl and smiled. My knees felt weak at the sight of his deep chocolate brown eyes. This new sensation was so new to me and I didn't know how to react to it. Nick sat down at the table. I followed and began picking at my food with a spoon.

My appetite had gotten better since I moved into the Jonas household, but I still didn't have more than a meal a day. Sometimes I'd force down extra food to make the family happy and see Nick's gorgeous smile. I'd gained some weight - enough to make me look half decent. I'd been sleeping well every night, knowing that Nick was right beside me. And I'd actually been having fun.

I could tell Nick was eyeing me, waiting for me to take a bite. He knew Corn Pops had always been my favorite, but the bowl in front of me had turn to mush from me picking at it and it didn't look too appetizing, but I spooned a tiny bite into my mouth and smiled at him faintly.

"I know you're trying," he said with pleading eyes. "And I'm proud of you. I just want you to be healthy, that's all." He put a hand on top of mine.

I chewed the mush in my mouth slowly, buying time to stare at his face and take in the longing I saw in his eyes. He was only trying to help.

"I know," I said after swallowing. I wrinkled my nose and pushed my bowl away. "It just looks..."

Before I could think of an accurate word, I heard Joe speak up. "But you've always liked Corn Pops." His mouth was full of eggs. I smiled at him. "It was always our thing, y'know..." His expression turned to hurt, his shoulders slumping, eyes sad. It pained me to see this face on him.

"Oh, no no, Joe..." I pleaded. "It's just that...Well," I put a hand on my stomach. "Layla has her own tastes and she's kind of taking over." I looked over at Nick when I said Layla's name and he smiled. It was true; my pregnancy turned even my once favorite foods against me. Pizza, maccoroni and cheese, steak. It all looked disgusting.

"Layla?" Joe asked, eyebrows raised.

"Yup, Nick named her."

"Oh, no not technically," Nick began, "It was Kar-"

"Nice job, man!" Joe had a grin on his face now. "Wow, Layla... Now that is an awesome name." I smiled.

Layla was going to be my daughter and I was going to be a mother.

God, a mother.